I think my wife is in MLC and it seems hopeless

[MrBond]

" seems like she just keeps baiting me into conversations to try and get me to agree with her. "

I don't see any "baiting". That's more blameshifting on your part. As if you don't have control over your situation. You do. Do what you feel is right.

[SBJ]

MrBond...the problem right now is that I don't know what is right. Right to me would be to console her when she hurts, to talk about what's bothering her, to discuss how to work things out, but as you know, she wants none of that from me.

So the answers lie in DR I hope. They lie in turning 180. They lie in bettering myself so that I can handle it no matter the outcome. I understand that these are what I need to do. I want this to work. It is the detaching from her that is difficult, but as it was said earlier..,she has fired me from being her husband.

[Sotto]

When you think of detaching (and it is difficult) - it may be best to think more of attaching to your own life. Yes, you are fired as her spouse just now - and so are left to your own devices. I see many people desperately trying to 'detach from him/her' which makes the WAS central in that process and it remains all about them.

However, if you think about re-attaching to your own life, that is more about you and the things you are going to be doing going forwards. New activities, old friends you may reconnect with, places you are going to go, things you will learn, new friends you may make.

Inevitably, if you invest time and energy in doing some new things, she becomes less central in your life. Because you have a life that is separate to her, and that you hopefully enjoy...and who knows, she may want to join in the fun at some future point...

Hope this helps a little :-)

[Ginger1]

MrBond...the problem right now is that I don't know what is right. Right to me would be to console her when she hurts, to talk about what's bothering her, to discuss how to work things out, but as you know, she wants none of that from me.

So the answers lie in DR I hope. They lie in turning 180. They lie in bettering myself so that I can handle it no matter the outcome. I understand that these are what I need to do. I want this to work. It is the detaching from her that is difficult, but as it was said earlier..,she has fired me from being her husband.

If those aren't what she wants from you, then it's not what's right. Those actions right now would be for you, not her.

[SBJ]

Sotto...I have given some thought to that. There are hobbies that I have put aside and things on "MY" Bucket List that I have wanted to do.

She complains that she and I have never traveled together...I never knew she wanted to travel (bad communication), but I love to explore new places. There are places to go and see that I will look into.

I enjoy the outdoors (golf/hunting/fishing/kayaking/camping) that I now only do when my brothers/father call...I need to be more proactive and do them for myself.

I decided to start training for Tough Mudder 2017...excited!!! I'm teaming up with some friends from high school.

I bought a guitar right before my oldest was born (1997) with good intentions of learning...now is the time. I'm not saying I can become Eric Clapton, but I will give it a shot. I might even take up my saxophone again. It's been in moth balls since the early 90's.

[SBJ]

Ginger1...I agree that it isn't what she wants right now, but it is hard to change my ways. As a product of the 70's I remember alot of Star Wars quotes...

1. as told to Luke you must “unlearn what you have learned”.

2. also told to Luke you “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

I know it is cheesy motivation, but whatever works.

I love my wife and I will do what it takes!!!

She is worth it and so is our family...

[Ginger1]

Ginger1...I agree that it isn't what she wants right now, but it is hard to change my ways. As a product of the 70's I remember alot of Star Wars quotes...

1. as told to Luke you must “unlearn what you have learned”.

2. also told to Luke you “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

I know it is cheesy motivation, but whatever works.

I love my wife and I will do what it takes!!!

She is worth it and so is our family...

Of course it's hard to change our ways when we have been doing something for one way for so long. That's why you need to ask yourself these questions. No one said it's easy!

I sense a lot of love for your wife of family. It's great you did so much for your wife. Do you feel perhaps you might have been a bit codependent? I believe we all become codependent in a marriage. We should be to some extent. But after a while I think our personal worthiness stems from what we give our spouses, how we make them feel, and that's where our self-esteem and worthiness is found. That I think is when we become that unhealthy co dependent.

Something to ponder, anyways. My motto is to always keep your intentions pure.

[CaliGuy]

She complains that she and I have never traveled together...I never knew she wanted to travel (bad communication), but I love to explore new places. There are places to go and see that I will look into.

Just wanted to pull this one out as I have to remind myself you are new and really in the thick of the 'new' MLC experience as I recall where I was.

So just to give you a heads up she is going to pull a few of these out and spit em at you .... with mine it was we always said we would have all these friends over, always would take vacations and never did, we would have a white house with blue trim and not this stucco crap.

She is and has been compiling a list of reasons to validate her getting out, some of these may very well be true, some completely false, others half truths like what I think she has here ... she may have day dreamed on occasion climbing Mt Everest but for whatever reason it was never something she HAD to tell you nor Had to do ... maybe like your guitar but I do not see you blaming her for not playing. Just be aware of the reasons they blame us for these things and not so much the attack and that often helps you rise above the emotions and see them acting out as the teenagers they will often become which in fact helps you detach from the situation a touch better.

[SBJ]

Ginger1...I agree that I slipped into the "what can I do for you" mentality. My wife and I joked for years that there are givers and there are takers...she said that I was the giver and she was the taker.

I honestly derived pleasure out of doing for my my family...but in reality it was to the detriment of me and my M. I am trying to come to grips with that as I move forward.

Life is about a healthy balance...God/Self/Family. I just need to put God first and then see myself as just as important as my W.

[SBJ]

CaliGuy...I understand and have heard alot of the excuses.

1. lack of travel
2. we don't hold hands
3. we lack passion
4. we don't have the same relationship as _____
5. she has never been physically attracted to me
6. we were just best friends that had kids together
7. don't you want someone to love you and give you what you need
8. you deserve someone that can fill all of your desires
9. we are not compatible
10. there is no chemistry with us
11. because of what you did to me we can never be intimate again
12. because of what you've said I can never be with you again
13. maybe one day in the future we can be friends
14. just because I want a D doesn't mean I don't care about you
15. ILYBINILWY

And as far as teenagers...I have kids (19/14/10) and none of them act like this. She thinks this is all going to turn out perfect. I told her she was breaking our family apart and her response was priceless...she said, "Families don't get broken apart, they just get restructured". What a crock of excrement.

I am the sarcastic one in the family, so it has been very hard to keep my mouth shut and not engage when I hear these things. I now have an area prepped in the garage that I will use as a diffusing area (punching bag, jump rope & pull-up bar included).