Help i am about to blow. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow and I keep telling myself to hold on until i speak with her. But not sure i can...
Absolutely, but H's MLCs have been mild compared to most I've seen here. Not in terms of his pain or confusion, but in terms of how much has spilled onto me or the kids.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Help i am about to blow. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow and I keep telling myself to hold on until i speak with her. But not sure i can...
What are your goals? Will blowing move you closer to or farther from your goals?
Can you blow by writing it all in a journal and then tearing it up? I did that more than once.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
"Seriously, what's wrong with me sitting down with him tonight and saying. You have two choices. "Get help" or "Get out". I can't take it anymore!"
That's why you have to read ALL of DB. I get that you're frustrated, but I can tell you that I don't recall a situation on here where giving the WAS an ultimatum resulted in them staying.
You concentrate so much on your H and what you perceive is an MLC but you've never posted about your relationship with him. It sounded like maybe you treated him like a child because you kept "taking care" of things. Maybe there were times that he wanted to step up but you decided to do it yourself thinking that he would do it wrong.
Think back. What were the things that the two of you would argue about? What problems in the M were caused by you in your opinion or maybe miscommunicated? It sounds like you're the type who has to be in control and always have a plan. You are going to need to have patience if your end goal is to save your M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond is absolutely correct. If you give him an ultimatum of either get help or get out, he's going to choose get out. You are basically opening the door and giving him all the justification he needs to leave. If he's in crisis, he's not going to see that he needs help. Oh, he may go to a therapist for a while, but he will only hear what he wants to hear and yes, he will come back and say that he went just to shut you up and that there is not one thing wrong w/him.
I would recommend that you read HaWho's threads. Her h has been in crisis for a bit and still lives at home. She's come a long way and when I say that she's earned her wings and halo, I mean it. Her h is acting just like a teenager, but she's learned how to detach and yes, even find some humor in what he's saying and doing, but she still has days of frustration.
One of things that many of us don't realize is that we tend to take over doing things for our spouses and not allowing them do them themselves. We basically become authority figures to them, i.e., mother and father figures. If this is the case, then start stepping back and stop trying to fix him because you can't...you aren't his mother. If he makes mistakes, then leave it to him to figure it out. If he leaves his clothes in the floor, leave them there. He's a grown man and should be picking up after himself. There are things that you can do in a subtle way that will give him the independence and freedom he is craving. I'll say it again, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
It's a new day...breathe! This is not a sprint, but a marathon so dig deeper for patience and come here to vent.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you are right. i told him I have been to see a lawyer and I am done with this [censored]. He needs to fix it or get out. He chugged a beer and went to bed and said, i need time to sort this out in my head but I am not ready to work on it with you. He also repeatedly told me that when I use the word marriage it infuriates him, makes him feel like he is trapped. screamed at me to stop using the word marriage. how ridiculous.
now i have accomplished nothing but making myself more sad and frustrated.
I want to go full dark on him. How do i do that while he is here. I feel he should no longer be allowed to pop and in out of our life at will. if he calls me, i will not answer. If he texts, then no reply. Right?
you are right. i told him I have been to see a lawyer and I am done with this [censored]. He needs to fix it or get out. He chugged a beer and went to bed and said, i need time to sort this out in my head but I am not ready to work on it with you. He also repeatedly told me that when I use the word marriage it infuriates him, makes him feel like he is trapped. screamed at me to stop using the word marriage. how ridiculous.
now i have accomplished nothing but making myself more sad and frustrated.
I want to go full dark on him. How do i do that while he is here. I feel he should no longer be allowed to pop and in out of our life at will. if he calls me, i will not answer. If he texts, then no reply. Right?
Why do you want to go dark? What do you hope to accomplish?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
So, he is giving you some useful (if painful) clues here. He feels trapped and cornered when you have these kinds of convos. This is why early advice is to back off from having R convos, which won't go well. Cornered people tend to push back with anger or actions - moving further away from the M and you.
So - first action is to not initiate these kinds of conversations and purely validate (and avoid them if possible) should he initiate one.
As for dark - that doesn't really sound possible in your circumstances. Dark is when you don't even respond when he contacts or talks to you. I don't think that is realistic, or would help your situation. However, you may want to work on dim. Now, dim doesn't mean cold, it means pleasant, minimal, busy with other things.
From your post, it sounds as though you want to make a dramatic change to your communications. In general, it's never a great plan to make decisions like that when your emotions are running high. I think it's best to work in more subtle ways - gentle withdrawal and dimness - having your own plans, being busy with things. Essentially, you 'back burner' him whilst you get on with your own stuff. However if he approaches you, you are pleasant - albeit brief.
Does that help at all?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You can't go completely dark on him while he's living under the same roof w/you. However, you can treat him as if he were a roommate and if he wants to talk, then listen and talk. If he doesn't want to talk, then leave him alone. Follow his lead. No more talks about seeking help or getting out. No more talks about being done and certainly no more talks about seeing a lawyer (especially this one, as it could come across as a threat to him).
Re-read the detachment thread and like I have suggested, read HaWho's threads. She's mastered the art of detachment and yes, she's learned how to deal w/her h while living under one roof. This is his problem to fix. However, you can make your home a safe spot for him, by giving him space.
You can reason w/someone who isn't willing to listen or is operating on pure emotions. If you get frustrated or angry, take a walk. If you need to speak to him, do so in a calm, level tone and look him n the eye.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience as you are dealing w/a teenager right now. No, the man you knew is gone for a while and in his place, is his younger self.
Detachment is for you so that you can find you footing once again and not to always react to what he says or does.
Last edited by job; 10/19/1605:17 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with Sotto. Going dark with kids and your h in the house would be tense for all involved, including you.
As hard as this sounds, my advice is that you slow yourself (and your mind) down. There is no reason for you to have to rush into any decisions right this second. Your emotions are running high (and I understand this because I was right there, too) and that is never a good time to start making big decisions.
When you start to feel the need to do something/say something, find an alternative! I am not sure how old your kids are? Can you let us know? If they are still young, go clean out closets, your garage, etc. Exhaust yourself but don't go talking to him because emotions are running high for both of you.
If your kids can stay home alone, get yourself out of the house often! I began hiking. It reduced my stress and quieted my mind. Go run, walk, etc.
Privately read all you can about MLC. Slow down. No decisions must be made this very second.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
