I think my wife is in MLC and it seems hopeless

[MrBond]

As hard as it is, it's going to get worse.

When she says stuff like this... "Saying that we should agree on everything. ", tell her that while you respect her opinion, she can't tell you what to do.

When my sitch first started, my W told me I had to move out because she was unhappy. I laughed at her and told her that if SHE was the one who was unhappy, then she should move out because I was perfectly happy at home. That's when you start taking a stand and they start seeing that you're not going to do everything they want you to.

[SBJ]

It seems like she just keeps baiting me into conversations to try and get me to agree with her. I keep telling her that she knows my opinion. Her answer is always that we will agree to disagree.

What a roller coaster of a few days. I came home Sunday on a high note and then she knocked me down about the papers. I'm still trying to get into the DR book and stay positive about saving our M and she slams me again on the phone.

A friend told me last night that even though I want to save my M I should go into the mode of acceptance and that it is in her corner. Sounds alot like advice from here.

It is just hard for me to detach. Everything I've done for 25 years has been for her...kind of hard to flip the switch.

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. Get used to the ups and downs or "rollercoaster." There will be more.

I too was married 25 years (officially 26) and did everything for her.

Detaching is the hardest part I think. Like Yoda says, "You must train yourself to let go of everything you are afraid to lose."

My XW even told me once "We can be together someday....just not right now."

WTF right?

The sooner you let go, the better you'll be. I was "stuck" for a very long time. I know it's not easy, but LET HER GO. Letting her go is really the only way to possibly get her back...if that's what you want.

Just my two cents.

Tad

[SBJ]

tadpole1025...I know that is what I need to do, but I don't know how to turn off the switch.

She just called asking if I was going to dinner tonight with her family for a brothers b-day. Part of me wanted to say I had plans, but as ForeverYoung says just go as "whatever". I have to eat, but I also want her to see that I can be strong enough to show up with her entire family that knows what is going on. I think she was expecting me to say no.

[CaliGuy]

tadpole1025...I know that is what I need to do, but I don't know how to turn off the switch.

She just called asking if I was going to dinner tonight with her family for a brothers b-day. Part of me wanted to say I had plans, but as ForeverYoung says just go as "whatever". I have to eat, but I also want her to see that I can be strong enough to show up with her entire family that knows what is going on. I think she was expecting me to say no.

You start by accepting you have been fired as her husband. If you choose to stand that's fine but you do not go into the office and look for emails nor continue to do the work you once were getting paid for ... IMO this includes putting up the front that you are married for her family.
You have to find activities that keep you busy, help rebuild your self esteem and confidence ... working out, going for a run/ride .. whatever .. things that are constructive and make you feel better afterwards.

[SBJ]

I guess the acceptance that I've been fired has to come before the detachment. I'm new at this and really do want to save my family, but she is already more than half way out the door.

[CaliGuy]

I guess the acceptance that I've been fired has to come before the detachment. I'm new at this and really do want to save my family, but she is already more than half way out the door.

Read the homework. I get you are reeling here ... been there, don't that, have the T-shirt. You can not save the M at this moment, the best you can do is hold up your end of the deal and she will do what she will do, that's on her, her choice and nothing you can control. She will make many poor choices while in crisis just know this and expect nothing.

The common thing in this is FEAR, that is what you need to tackle first... its the gateway to acceptance and detachment. You are afraid and that's completely normal. Do not allow fear to keep you stuck for long ... sometimes it will transform into anger and you can use that to propel you towards acceptance and detachment, just do not live there.

[ericmsant2]

SBJ
BREATH brother…breath.

I mean it….it is obvious that you are totally freaking out. Understandable.
You are reeling and this is going to help your sitch.

I understand that she is in pain,

Do you? If you are not in crisis…how can you. Think about it. You THINK you know what she feel. It really is impossible to.

but I am willing to do what it takes.

I think you really mean you are willing to do what it takes….. on YOUR schedule, on YOUR timeline and on YOUR terms.
Are you willing to leave her alone?

Are you willing to accept that she is in lala land?

Are you willing to accept that she did not ask for this crisis – nor did you. It is NOT YOUR fault that she has flipped out.

Are you willing to accept that right NOW SHE wants OUT and NEEDS space and that RIGHT NOW…those are HER terms? How willing are you to RESPECT her wishes – even if those wishes do not align with what YOU want RIGHT now?
I ask because….according to YOU….(your quote below)

She is worth it and my kids are worth it.

If she is worth it….then right now YOU need to let go and let God.
As Mr Bond said….chances are It will get worse before it get better.

It seems like she just keeps baiting me into conversations to try and get me to agree with her.

She can bait all she wants. You can control yourself – right?

Look dude, a simple, I am not really ready to discuss this right now. Is all you need to say. I would NOT agree to anything nor would I disagree. It is simple – you are not ready to discuss. Period. If pushed, then she can do what she feels she needs to do.
She is probably going to continue to push. How you respond will be key. You try and convince or her pull her closer – she will continue to push and pull further.
Bottom line – you say you do not want the divorce. She has heard it – multiple times from you. You do not need to repeat it anymore.
Everyone here has said to detach. Start doing it. It will take time. The faster you detach – the better off you will be.


I think someone else already told you that this will be the hardest thing you DO. It will.

“For better or for worse”

“in sickness and in health”

Remember those up there ^^^^

…..well now it time for YOU to decide IF and for HOW long YOU choose to live these words.

Can you stand when she needs she but is unable to tell you that?

Can you stand when she is batchit crazy and screaming that she wants out?

Can you stand by her while try to figure this out on HER OWN?

Can you stand when all seems hopeless?

Can you stand….not knowing what will happen?

Can you have faith that this is in God hands – not YOURS?

Cause…if I recall…. You said she was worth it.

You will become one hell of man – if you want to.

There is no timeline and no magic pill.

Coach, vets, books….nothing can ensure the outcome.

I’ll leave you with this…….

Do you want to know for YOUR self…that you gave it everything you had and even when you no more…you gave it another day…another week…. Do you want to be able to say to her….

I love you and gave it everything I had

Cause one day buddy……she just may thank you for standing next to her while she was in the darkest moment of her life.

[peacetoday]

SBJ

You are getting some awesome advice and support here

a few things that may help you to get in more alignment to detach and let go

Alanon is a 12 step program and many of the meetings revolve around letting the alcoholic be..detaching and taking care of yourself-accepting things as they are

I know your Wife is in MLC and not alcoholic but it is similar

Meetings are free ..and it helps to read about detaching and letting go
there are lots of books and internet material on letting go..
but reading it daily helps to get in that mindset

Melanie Beattie is a great writer ob this subject
The language of letting go is an awesome book
its a daily reader on one topic -only one page a day
it really helps

[SBJ]

No offense, but I'm already one hell of a man, but I'm willing and able to become even better.

I am praying, reading, exercising, working harder, loving my kids harder, and I will do my homework to begin the detachment process.

Thanks for the TOUGH LOVE!!!