So do I just not show up for the MC or do I tell her that I'm not going?
No, you absolutely don’t “just not show up”!
You have to tell her if you are the one deciding to end MC. Maybe say something like you’re not sure it’s helpful right now, and/or that you feel it’s best you both just take a little break.
She said she’s working on herself, you need to do so also.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The reason I ask is that she is using the MC as a Divorce Facilitator. Getting advice on how best to tell our children that we are divorcing. This is killing me. I cannot believe that she can be so calm about all of this.
Her mother even called me saying that just because things aren't working our between us that I am still welcome to come on vacation with the entire family over the Thanksgiving Break. I'm torn...we haven't told our children...yet. And if we don't by then, should I go out of obligation to my kids?
My W and her mother seem to think that after a D we will all still be one cozy family. I have told them that D will end our M and our friendship. My W said that families don't end...they just get restructured. What a crock.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I'd be inclined to not go to any D facilitating sessions, even if not going may make things worse for a short time.
Even if you go doesn't mean you have to agree with a D. I hope others with more experience will chime in on this.
Regarding vacation, part of the DB is "acting as if". So you act like normal and do as you would have normally done... go on the trip with your kids and have fun.
Also hold off on telling them anything.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She called me out again last night and said that she will never be able to get over the fact that when sex was painful after her surgery that I still had sex with her. She says she feels that I abused her and will never be able to be intimate with me again because of it.
I told her that I am truly sorry, but didn't really understand the depth of the discomfort back then and she would simply tell me that we could. Had she told me that she would cut it off if I tried again, then I think I would have understood the depth. We could have then talked about a game plan to pray together and get thru it together.
Eventually the pain and discomfort stopped, but now she has built up this resentment towards me that seems unending.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
ForeverYoung...seems like she is now wanting to rush things along. I don't know what the rush is about...we've got 25 years under our belt, what's the rush?
As for the "As if" attitude...she has that. She says she compartmentalizes everything. She has put me and our M in a nice little box that she only has to open when she feels like dealing with me...what BS. She is taking her advice from someone that is obviously telling her that she should do what makes her happy, regardless of what it does to me or our kids. She is not listening to her family that is telling her their thoughts from a Biblical viewpoint.
She even asked me last night if I thought she should just stay in our M and live like this...my answer was yes to stay in the M, but not living like this. After that she just left the room and went to bed. I joined her much later.
It is still killing me not to be able to have physical contact of any kind. I am also the touch guy from the 5LL's book, along with positive praise. Unfortunately, she is not one to give either and never really has.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Of course she's in a rush, she's in great pain and thinks D is the answer. She has to figure things out for herself, you and the families can't do it for her.
Give her lots of time and space. You can even tell her you are doing this. (I did)
I know it's tough but you gotta back off and do your own thing. It really will make things better for everyone.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The rush comes from you .... I know its hard to understanding but in DB there is a blip about how this all seems counter-intuitive. She is calm which has you on your heels, you are splashin around desperately wanting to do anything and everything to save your M and this is only going to make her run faster and in her mind validate she was right in wanting out all along.
You asked earlier how long the detach process takes .. its different for everyone, I am one of the ones who struggled with this but over time, I realized grabbing that hot pot on the stove was only hurting me so I slowly stopped grabbing it, then I slowly started not being as concerned about it and had a breaking point where I just walked out of the kitchen.
Standing is a very difficult thing to do, doing so with a MLCr is even harder. Waiting around for her to change her mind is not going to get you through this you have to start looking inward more, work on yourself and slowly put things into place the way you see fit allowing your W to walk her own journey. Accept she is broken and you can not fix her, you can not help fix her ... you can only become a better man from all of this.
ForeverYoung...seems like she is now wanting to rush things along. I don't know what the rush is about...we've got 25 years under our belt, what's the rush?
In the MLC mind, the sooner the Divorce is over, the sooner their pain will end...
YOU are the reason for her emotional struggles...get used to it...
Doesn't make it true or real...that is just her point of view...
The sooner you are gone, the sooner she will not feel like she does..
Originally Posted By: SBJ
As for the "As if" attitude...she has that. She says she compartmentalizes everything. She has put me and our M in a nice little box that she only has to open when she feels like dealing with me...what BS. She is taking her advice from someone that is obviously telling her that she should do what makes her happy, regardless of what it does to me or our kids. She is not listening to her family that is telling her their thoughts from a Biblical viewpoint.
Acting "as if" , is for you...
Nobody....friend, family, parent, bigfoot, nor the Pope, is going to tell her what to do anymore...
In her MLC mind, she has been controlled her entire life...
And no more, will she be controlled by anyone....
Once again, doesn't make it true...just her POV...
The more people try to tell her things like that, the more she will push away from them....family included...
Originally Posted By: SBJ
She even asked me last night if I thought she should just stay in our M and live like this...my answer was yes to stay in the M, but not living like this. After that she just left the room and went to bed. I joined her much later.
Yea, guilt isn't gonna get you too far right now...
Now that you have told her, you don't have to again. She knows where you stand....
Originally Posted By: SBJ
It is still killing me not to be able to have physical contact of any kind. I am also the touch guy from the 5LL's book, along with positive praise. Unfortunately, she is not one to give either and never really has.
I haven't met or posted to a male LBS yet, that after a few months, hasn't declared that PT wasn't his LL....
I also have always said that the 5LL book should be read more than once...
First time is more of a "how I F'ed this up" manual...
Second time, it becomes more about yourself ( which is what it should be)...
So maybe give it another read when you have a chance...
And for most guys....PT will always be high on the list, especially if you aren't having sex...
Thank you guys for the quick responses. I understand that she is in pain, but I am willing to do what it takes. She is worth it and my kids are worth it.
Just finished Ch. 1 of DR and am calling the DB Coach to set a call today. It all does feel 180 because it is 180.
I liked one of Michele's videos that said that the LBH will either make the W a better H should she stay, or will make someone else down the line a great H because of all of the work they have put in. I feel like Cliff Claven from "Cheers"...I feel like a wealth of useless information right now. However, I'm trying to learn.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
The W just called me at the office asking if there is any reason I would fight her in court. Saying that we should agree on everything. She said that we should spare our kids a lengthy and nasty court battle. She said that if I don't drag her name thru the mud that she wouldn't have to tell everyone about what I did to her after she had her surgery. What an unveiled threat. She also said that her attorney would contact her once the papers are finished and that I could look at them at that time.
It is crazy to me how someone, even going thru a MLC, could just throw it all away. She kept using the reasons that I listed before such as the lack of intimacy, the lack of hand holding, etc. All things that I have tried to keep alive during our relationship (25 yrs), only to have her not want at the time. Now she wants it just not with me...stab!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
