None of us understood what was happening to our spouses until we started reading up on MLC and depression and how it affects people. Each person is unique and so shall their crisis be unique.
Read as much as you can on MLC and also visit around this forum and read the threads. MLC is not a sprint, it's a marathon and the race won't be won today, tomorrow or even in the next year or so. It's a very long process for them because it has been building up for a long time.
The best advice I can give you is to take care of your finances, watch them closely, protect your assets, keep the focus on you and your family and remember...you have to take care of yourself first in order to help your family. You have no control over what he says or does, but you do have control over how you react to his behavior.
Continue to read and ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kdvor - I have a live-in MLCer who has not moved out (or grown up). I saw your question about how you detach with him in the home. I can try to give you some pointers based on what has worked and what has not worked for me.
First and MOST important do not ask any questions about where his head is at. The confusion is too great so the answer will only give you a quick snapshot of that moment. It's kind of like "Snapchat!" You see it and then poof it's gone and you have no proof you ever saw it. It's like a pinball machine on LSD in their minds. Give him loads of time and space. Don't ask any questions about where he's been/what he's doing/where he's going.
I would advise you to sort of mirror his behavior. If he's friendly and chatty, engage (tentatively, but STILL NO relationship talks). If he's distant, don't push for conversation; leave him alone. However, this is a chance for you to think very carefully about how to treat someone who is not at all himself. They DO remember the way they were treated. So, think carefully about that and try to be consistent in the way you do treat him (this one was very hard for me to do). I try to treat my husband like a house guest with some personal problems.
If you feel pressure or stress, try to leave and work that off on the sidelines. This is something I still do and I am two years post BD. In fact, find a way to get the stress out: yoga, walking, running, taking kids out, etc.
If you have teenagers, I find MLC to be very similar: tremendous moodiness, irrational behaviors, secrecy, regression of logic, poor decision making abilities, lots of anger/resentment, confusion, etc. It's remarkably similar. However, I also seen my h present as a little boy on a handful of occasions, too. So, I think he was probably stunted around age 6 or 7 (which makes sense based on his childhood) and I think he's growing up from there.
Read all you can so that you understand what is going on. Before this happened to me I never believed in MLC. Now, I live it and I can promise you it is very, very real.
Make sure you take care of your kids and yourself.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho - thank you. I really feel like you "get" what I am going through. How do you not just throw in the towel? Kick him out? Threaten divorce? This seems like it has been going on and on forever. I don't want it to be this way. I love him and I don't want my marriage to end, but now after the BD I am stuck with a sham of a marriage, faking happiness with my husband in social situations (or not going to events at all). Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Why do we stick and not run? Are we crazy?
Kdvor - my gut tells me that if you have found this place/forum then you were looking for an explanation of what has happened to him. That's how I landed here. Yes, my marriage was not perfect. But my h was nuts.
I have written this before but on Easter 2015, my h texted me from his dorm room (it's what I call his recreation of our downstairs spare bedroom) and told me he was "done with me." 5 minutes later, he came out and cheerfully (no lie) asked me if I wanted a glass of wine! That night I started researching brain tumors. Days later I stumbled here and was SHOCKED to see my h has every symptom of MLC. Have you read about the 6 stages of MLC? Definitely search it, because you'll start to piece things together.
In MLC, their empathy chips are busted; they just don't seem to care about others or their feelings. It's weird until you get used to it.
Confession: I did once threaten divorce. My h, I think, is a particularly deviant MLCer in that he outright asked for an open marriage (he wanted to live a double life!!!). He wanted to find women who would look at him "meaningfully" but he told me he would only spend a few hours with her/them. He said he would not introduce our kids to her and so I asked how "meaningful" will this relationship be then? He had ZERO logic and couldn't explain this rationale. So I told him I knew EXACTLY what kind of women would be the side piece to a married man and that I would file for divorce to protect my kids' assets. He told me he was "trapped." I said, no, you can divorce. He never did.
So, if you've just been bombed, it has been going on forever and ever already for him. Job would tell you he probably entered "this" 18-24 months before he bombed you. Maybe a death, job change, etc. triggered him.
No, you are not crazy. Deep down, you know something is wrong with him and that's why you started researching. You will hear all sorts of nutty things now. He will contradict himself constantly and seem very confused. The wires in their brains are scrambled. Say nothing and he will talk. No matter what he says just listen and things will become clearer. Don't dispute his re-writing of things. My h told me we were never happy--which is very interesting since he proposed to me and we have albums of happy pictures.
The MLCer who stays home (and does not move) recreates his childhood home. The spouse becomes the authority figure against whom they begin to rebel. My h has actually said things verbatim that he said to his mom during tumultuous early years of his life. In his childhood h lived in a tiny, messy apartment. My h has not cleaned his room or bathroom since March. He complains about his bedroom just as he complained (bitterly) about his childhood apartment. He is using many of the same coping skills he used as a teen (closing his door and playing music). He has calmed down since his heydey of replay and spends 99% of his time locked in his dorm room. He told me he used to sit in his closet all day as a kid. In the last 2 years he has come upstairs (where my kids and I sleep) 5 times.
If your h's still inviting you to social events, my advice? Go and just mirror him, if it's not too painful. Try to be supportive. He is not himself right now and as hard as you have it? He has it waaaay worse. You'll begin to see that. Stay quiet and just listen.
As for the light at the end of the tunnel? You have to make it for yourself and your kids. Keep busy and make the home comfortable/as normal as possible.
You can do this. Post often.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The MLCer who stays home (and does not move) recreates his childhood home. The spouse becomes the authority figure against whom they begin to rebel.
Oh my God, I'm seeing this is what's happening with my W. She comes & goes as she pleases, but she's been accusing me of trying to control her. I couldn't understand why. It's because I'm her dad now. [Long exhale.....]
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Sorry to hijack here Kdvor but Brubeck: I thought that when she tried to give you her babysitting money. I think her issues with money and wanting to be independent center there.
When my h spews at me, I know his history well enough to see he's talking to his mom. Your wife, I think, is in the same boat w/using you to talk/stand up to her authority figure. That anger needs to burn itself out.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks all. Yes I read all the books and all the posts. I still have a question - How do you know if / and when he is coming out of MLC.
The past few nights he comes to my bed and lays next to me watching TV rather than sitting downstairs drinking and watching on his own. He calls me about kids bday gifts and even hugs and kisses me at times (few) and asks how I am. Left this morning and asked me to wrap sons bday gift. I am responding kindly but I don't reach out or approach at all which makes me feel like I am walking around COLD all of the time. Is there a point where is he approaching and I stay distant that he will feel like i really am a cold "robot"?
Just a follow up questions: Should I be doing stuff for him when he asks like wrapping a gift he bought?
He mentioned last night we need to get our koi pond winterized. Usually, this means, I will call and take care of it. Should I do it?
We have a ton of social stuff coming up. Stuff we usually do together. I know he will go if I mention the events to him. Perhaps I don't mention anything at all.
Lastly, in 3 weeks we have a trip to Atlantis planned with our kids and family friends. 2 weeks ago he mentioned cancelling it and that he didn't want to go. I said, that's fine, I'll go by myself. Then he was taken back and said "What would you say why I didn't come". I said "I don't know, haven't thought about it. Maybe the truth, maybe not. Doesn't really matter". He seemed unsettled with that convo, but I stopped it.
Finally, one thing that seems to be getting to him is that I have been hanging out with a friend who is recently divorced "husband cheated with nanny". Assumming I should keep spending lots of visible time with her. Right? Should I try to capitalize on this.
