I think my wife is in MLC and it seems hopeless

[msp710]

Hang in there brother. I'm about a month into this and I see many familiar things in your story.

You just have to be patient. I find that to be the hardest part. We want answers now but unfortunately they're not coming right now.

One piece of advise that I received almost immediately from this board is that you need to slow her down and not help her with process of divorcing you. My wife told me she didn't love me and wanted a divorce yet she had no idea where and how she would live without me. I think she thought I would help her with all of this.

Draw a line and tell her you've been blindsided and you haven't been able to process this. Then detach. Focus on yourself and your children.

I know how hard this is. I feel it too. My mind goes from loving her and wanting her to change her mind to thinking she's right and she's doing both of us a favor. The one thing everyone keeps saying is "patience". I'm trying. I think you need some too.

[SBJ]

job...she filled out the papers Thursday, but did not file them. She says that she wants us to agree on everything.

She sends me an email today saying she is sad that I'm hurting and she is the one causing it. She said that just because she wants a D doesn't change the fact that she cares about me.

She says that we should be mature about the D so that we save $$$ and the kids see us handle this smartly.

Why is this so easy for her?

Why am I not good enough for the one that I have given 25 years to?

Do you detach to ease your pain or to let the spouse see what they are missing.

After reading her email, and not responding, I opened a package on my desk with my copy of DR. I will start reading it today.

[job]

I think you need to have your lawyer look those papers over when she gives them to you. Do not agree to anything until a lawyer has reviewed them.

Right now, all she's thinking about is herself. Lip service isn't going to make you feel any better. Most people would attempt to repair any issues in the marriage before deciding on a divorce. But, then again, she's not thinking like most people at the moment. It's all about her and what she wants.

Why is it so easy for her? Because she emotionally detached from the marriage a year or so ago. You, unfortunately, were just slammed hard w/the BD and the divorce talk. You've not had time to catch up to where she's at in detachment.

SBJ, it's not about whether you are good enough or not, it's about what she needs to do and that is go back to her past and figure things out and grow up. Those painful feelings of hers have been stuffed down very low in her soul for many years and now they've come bubbling up. The love she has for you has now taken the place deep within her soul until she completes her journey. It's not you...it's her.

Your journey is also one of self discovery and learning more about yourself. Are there issues that you think need to be worked on? If so, make a list and start working on them. However, do them for YOU and not to win her back.

Detaching is for you and it's not a ploy to make her miss you. It's to help you to not engage in her drama and give her space. It is to help you develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health.

As for the pain, you have to work thru that. There is no easy way around it, but thru it. What is happening is you are in the early stages of grieving the loss of the marriage. It will take time because the wound is still very raw. It's one step at a time and then one day at a time and there will be times when it's one step forward and two steps back. But you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue to move forward while leaving the door ajar.

Here is a thread on detachment. Read it. It explains what detachment is all about:

Detachment

I would also suggest that you read HaWho's postings. Her h is living at home and she's learned the art of detachment. Even still, she has ups and downs on the rollercoaster when her h throws some curve balls.

[ForeverYoung]

SBJ, slow down and take some deep breaths.

Don’t try to convince your wife to work on the M.

Don’t talk to her family about it… Avoid all relationship talks.

Have you ended the MC?

Your wife wants to be friends, so just be her friend. Don’t expect anything more right now.

You have to keep up the PMA (positive mental attitude) and fake it ‘til you make it. Tough stuff I know, but you can do it. You HAVE to.

[SBJ]

Guys the problem is that she doesn't want to be friends right now, nor to be married to me anymore. She has filled in the paperwork and wants me to agree that we have been good friends for 25 years, but that our marriage has been dysfunctional.

I told her that D would be an end to our family and to our friendship...she seems to think that we can be divorced and be best friends...don't know if I'm wired like that.

I do not want a D. I cannot in good conscience tell my kids that. I cannot tell her that. I cannot tell myself that. That would all be a lie.

I understand that she is in a confused state, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Should I not go back to MC with her? We have an appt on Thursday...

How do you tell the woman you love that you are bowing out of your marriage to give them space and let them find themselves. What if that door that you left ajar happens to close...from either side?

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Just catching up on your sitch ..... I could have written much of it 3 years ago. My wife accused me of much of the same, did not want to be friends, it was over and I just had to accept it as she went on with her A ... Catholic like yours and received Eucharist despite being adulterous.

This will be the hardest thing you will ever do, just know that. But also know you will become a better man because of it all. Listen to job and FY, along with the vets here. The sitches are different but much of the advice is the same and you can learn by reading and getting a better grip of MLC on the hows and whys ... first thing to accept is she is in crissi, not your fault but currently she is blaming you for everything as you are the obstacle in her mind to her getting to true happiness (again a myth but one they hold onto for some time)

Mine also thought we would be D and best friends ... they have this all planned out what life will be like after D, reality has a different look but the fog does not allow them to see that.

My advice to you ... like FY said ... BREATHE. You need to slowly start detaching from the sitch, when she brings up D in a most unemotional way reply "I am sorry you feel that way, D is not what I want" and walk .... buy a spew jacket because you will need it .. I had to get 2. Put it on and sip your STFU smoothie and let her yell and holler herself tired and simply walk away.

Just know you will not fix this, nothing you say or do will be the magic fix or the end to it all, they need time to get through their crisis and all you can do is focus on yourself and your kids

[SBJ]

I understand the need to breath and slow down,but she's trying to do a world record pace D. Just had a R talk that ended poorly. It's all my fault because I was selfish sexually when she was hurting years ago.

She is saying we should use the same attorney so we can save $$$. It's like she is only worried about the cost and how she'd look in a messy D. How sad.

How long does detachment take and how long to feel better. The more she talks the less I feel like we can save this thing we call a M. She is just so cold to me and its like she's trading me in for something else. She still claims there's no one else, but I worry. I don't want her hurt or my children hurt.

[ForeverYoung]

Should I not go back to MC with her? We have an appt on Thursday...

The DB rule is to do what works. Do you feel the MC is helping your M at this point? (note: this is not the same as "are you hoping it will")

If your sessions are filled with her explaining why the marriage is not salvageable, and why she's triple done, then does it seem like focusing on that is going to help?

There's a reason DB teaches us to avoid relationship talks! They can make things worse.

Usually when a spouse wants out badly, MC (if they go) is just a way for them to say they "tried".

Look, D doesn't happen overnight. It's going to take time for her to jump through all the hoops. It's also going to take time for her feelings for you to change, but they can change. (they already changed once, right?)

You need to buy as much time as you can right now.

Follow Cali's advice and stay out of her way when she is spewing. What ever you do, don't argue with her! You have to be the calm, strong, steady person right now. I know it seems hopeless at the moment, but soon you will be doing better.

Where are you in DR?

[SBJ]

So do I just not show up for the MC or do I tell her that I'm not going?

She says that she's worked in our M by working on herself...which means discovering that she wants out.

After hearing her last night it's hard to believe we are here right now.

As stated in your Tag Line..,She's still worth it , but damn this is hard.

[Delboy]

Hi SBJ, I’ve been rummaging thru my computer and I came across the following copies of letters that Liz (my Ex) wrote and sent to our kids a week after she left us. I have put down their ages at the time of these letters.
My additions are in brackets.

I hope this will help in trying to understand what’s going thru some ones head during a MLC.

Love
Delboy


Mon 2nd Feb 2004

To my darling Louise (Aged 17),
I apologise for my behaviour towards you over the past weeks. I know that I have been very selfish with what I have done and for the way that I left home last week. Dad (Delboy) gave me a letter that said I had damaged our relationship I can understand why.

I will try and explain, a couple of years ago my feelings changed towards your dad, I felt that we didn’t have anything in common, I gave up trying, about a year ago I got involved with Nic, he would cheer me up and make me feel a lot better. I know that it was wrong. But by this time I had fallen for him, I did not mean to break a family up.

I have been thinking of you, sorry that I haven’t been in contact but I was afraid you wouldn’t speak to me.

Love U always Mum

I will write again or if I have the courage send you a text or even phone. I hope that you are well I miss you a lot

Love you.
From Mum
X




Mon 2nd Feb 2004
To my darling Ann (Aged 19),
I apologise for my behaviour towards you over the past weeks. I have been selfish? With what I done and for leaving home the way that I did. I had a letter off Dad (Delboy) saying that I’d damaged our relationship and to explain why I’ve done all this.

I will try, I felt that me and your Dad had nothing in common after all these years, I got fed up, I think it started after we lost money (Delboy’s business failures). I don’t mean to blame anyone but these things happen, about a year ago I became fond of Nic he would cheer me up. And I would turn to him, I know that it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it.

I just want to say that I am so proud of you. You are everything that I am not.
I am sorry that I have not been in contact with you but I was afraid that you would not speak to me after all that I have done.
I really miss you I am always thinking of you, I love you very much, hope you are well. I well text U or call you soon.

Take care of yourself
Lots of Love Mum
X





Mon 2nd Feb 2004
My darling Dawn (Aged 13),
I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I have done. I know that you didn’t understand my behaviour when I was home the last time, because I saw the way you looked at me.

I would not talk with your Dad about how I felt, that is why I drifted apart from him. I want to say that I miss you a lot and love you. I am always thinking of you and hopefully soon I will be able to talk to you.

All My Love
Mum X

P.S. I will understand if you don’t want to speak to me. I will always be your Mum no matter what!