Taking the first step...

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, I think you did well too. Incidentally, this year I noticed that XH popped up the night before his B'day this year. Hadn't heard from him for a period of time and he gave me a non-update that I didn't really need. I was glad because it opened the door for a reply and an incidental HBD. I would have felt bad not to wish him HBD at all.

Of course you feel in a spin, having heard back from him. The thing to do now is be glad he replied, and move on from that positive little interaction. It could be five weeks or more before you and he are in touch again, so do put him on the back burner as soon as you can (not easy I know...) I find it easy/easier now, but I am over 2 years in here - and D'd!

He's like that wild rice that takes forever to cook, meanwhile, you have veg and all sorts bubbling away on the front hobs that need your attention....

Xx

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto. I'm glad I did wish him but I didn't think it would make me feel so emotional. My heart just aches so much.

I know I will feel better in a couple of days time and I just have to accept that I may have to wait another five weeks of longer before our next interaction. It's just sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. Am I standing for a lost hope because even on a day like today he is not really bothered about me. How can someone you have been with all these years have absolutely no interest in you at all. I just can't get me head around it.....

Sotto, how often does your H contact you?

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - I've been going through pretty much the same thing myself. It's tough and I think I've screwed up and pushed too hard in the last couple of days. I'm trying to do damage control now by pulling back but not pulling back too hard - if that makes sense.

It's funny - I've never met job in real life and only know her as words on the screen (I believe you are a lady job - hope I'm not offending by guessing wrong gender). She has a way of writing and giving advice that really works for me and I think it does for you too. Side bit - when a ship approaches a harbour they bring on board a local expert called a pilot. Those pilots take full and total control of the ship overriding even the captain. The captain doesn't need to know how to navigate the inshore waters, but needs to just trust the pilot. Neither of us know where this journey is going or what our destination is but having a pilot like job on our decks gives me and I hope you confidence that we'll be kept safe.

I find for me that the need to contact W builds and builds inside me. At the beginning I would come up with all sorts of seemingly valid reasons to contact her but fortunately was able to resist the urge most of the time. I don't think that just an elastic band would work for me like it does for you when the pressure gets to be too much. If you do feel like texting / calling / sending semaphore signals try posting it here first and then sitting on it. I've done that a couple of times and it's allowed the urge to pass. Having a good and understanding friend to call as an alternate might help. It's helped me a few times for example to write to D24 (S22 isn't great at responding quickly) and just tell her that I'm hurting and lonely. That sweet girl will almost immediately respond with an ILU and an electronic hug which can pull me back from the brink.

You're not alone my friend - there are other ships that are just as lost as you. I hope that helps you like knowing you are working through the same things as me helps me.

[Coly23]

Hi Andrew, thanks for you post.

I love your ship/pilot analogy and I agree Job is definitely helping to steer us in the right direction as long as you listen to her and don't do a stupid thing like I have just done and send another stupid text to H!

Me: Did your Mum make you a nice cake?
H: ...................................... (Can you hear the silence, it's deafening!)

Arrrgggghhh, I hate this so much! Why does he hate me!!!

[Sotto]

So, that was one pursuit too many...don't get carried away and try to start a nice chat just because he came back to you. What happened before was a nice little interaction...which risks tipping into pressure if you continue the pursuit.

Just let him be. As for me, XH stopped contacting me as soon as our last bit of business was concluded. So maybe it's 3 months or so now? It's 2 years since I saw him, a year+ since I spoke to him by phone and more recently was just email.

My only piece of advice to you at this point is leave him be - don't initiate contact and just live your life. There is nothing to lose if you do that - truly.

Xx

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto, I am such an idiot! I knew as soon as I sent it he wouldn't bother responding. Right that's it I'm dark again!

Thanks for filling me in on your sitch. That's a long time for you to have not seen or spoken with your xH. Has he moved away? I hope it's not to painful for you to discuss it?

Again I think my fear and anxiety drove me to send that text. I just feel so hopeless all the time and then I read on one your old threads when you were five weeks into being dark someone said that if after two months there is no contact then the marriage is considered dead. This was from the book about distancers and pursuers (sorry can't remember the name but it had Solo in the title). That made me freak out!

[AndrewP]

someone said that if after two months there is no contact then the marriage is considered dead.

Coly23 - It depends on in what direction but I've certainly gone more than 2 months without hearing any responses from W. Even though lately more and more I've been feeling like giving up on my end I still don't think that my chances are dead. Yes - my old MR is certainly dead but I "know" that W is still attached to me and that helps me keep standing.

I forget which of the vets it was that wrote this - I think it was Cadet - it's only over when YOU decide it's over.

I have little signposts that I use to give myself hope that don't involve actively engaging W. Some of the ones I have are
- W watching my Snapchats. She stopped after the last bit of pursuit but may pop her head back out to watch me some more if I go quiet again.
- Her Facebook marital status
- How quiet she's keeping the A and our separation
- Contact and reaching out to our children and some of my relatives on Facebook
- No contact from her L
- Her regular review of our bookkeeping (cloud based - has a last accessed)
- Her being online as per Messenger when she could be with OM
- No abuse of our finances
- The "I am hurting and confused" posts I saw her make after the last pursuit.

I know that none of these are very substantial and may not be relevant or real nor do they point at her wanting to come back but they are my crumbs. Do you have anything you can use for yourself? I take these crumbs and put them in a box and look at them when I feel like she's gone and never coming back.

I think of W as a scared squirrel in a maze of tunnels. I may be wrong but I believe her to be very confused right now about what it is that she really wants and how to get there. If I bang on the tunnel like I did or poke my head in she runs away. You and I both need to focus on doing our thing and being quiet and a safe place for our spouses so that as they pop their heads out they can see that it may be safe for them to come all the way out and back into our arms.

I know that I've gotten into trouble for this from a number of the vets but I've made an effort to be sure that my W knows that she is welcome to come home and that forgiveness can be found. One of my big worries had been that she may feel that she's made such a mess here that it would be impossible for her to come back. Do you think that you H feels that or is he too lost in the fog right now? Just like you I fretted about "how could she possibly know if I don't tell her" - but vets like job have assured me that she does indeed know.

[Sotto]

Hi, I would ignore the bit about NC for 2 months....what do they know! Yes, as soon as we S, there was distance involved. XH always commuted a few hours to work and stayed away a couple of nights a week. After a while we bought a property near his work as well as our main home. He got involved with OW who was a colleague and when we S, he decided to stay in our second property. Plus we have no kids together...so I think the odds for our M surviving perhaps weren't great from the off...

It's not at all painful to post about it actually - that's progress. Do try and lost the fear - I know it isn't easy. But truly, he is gone just now - so what else do you have to lose for the time-being? Leave him to his own devices and make plans just for you.

:)x

[job]

So, you touched the hot stove today and did a temp check by texting your h again. Now that you have burned your fingers just a wee bit, step back and just plain out leave him alone. He doesn't hate you because the only person he truly hates at the moment is himself. Sure, he may act like he hates you, but he has to build up this so called hatred in order to do what he needs to do to heal. Listen, he's not happy w/anything really. He's not happy the sky is blue, the people he works w/are nice or a person is making a left turn in front of him. He just plain not happy about anything right now. So, while he's baking up in the oven, you continue on your own journey.

Your old marriage is dead and you need to grieve that loss, but you can also leave to find the joy in living your life to the fullest. Each morning, get up and think of something pleasant and at the end of the day, reflect back on what you've accomplished and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at all that you accomplished. You have to have faith in yourself, God and in the system. If you continue to snatch the wheel from God, he can't drive the bus and keep a watchful eye on all those who are riding the bus. Step back, let it in God's hands.

Where is your rubber band? Get it on that wrist and snap it when you are tempted to contact him.

[Coly23]

Thanks Andrew, Sotto and Job. H did respond in the end ('Yeah, a lovely chocolate cake!') but I've given myself a good talking to and won't fall into that trap again. Although he did eventually respond, the anxiety I feel when he doesn't respond straight away really isn't worth it. Bad Coly!!

Andrew, I don't really have any signposts except the fact that he has left most of his stuff in the house but nothing else to give me any hints. H definitely knows he can come back so there is no doubt there. He is very private and can be quite stubborn and not the type to drop any hints. He most likely would just turn up one day at the door out of the blue and I will know straight away from his face that he is looking to come back.

Sotto, it worries me that my D isn't connecting very much with H at the moment so our reasons to see each other has reduced by 100%. Maybe it's better that way because I hate seeing him and knowing he doesn't want to be with me. Also I'm glad you said to ignore the two month thing because that would contradict with the journey of someone having a MLC.

Job, it's hard to reconcile how he might be feeling with how he comes across in texts to me. He always sounds quite upbeat and happy however when I was having my small anxiety attack and crying my eyes out today I responded to a text to my sister in a very upbeat way so she wouldn't have known how I was really feeling at that point. I guess that might be the same for him too. It's easy to hide behind a text or e-mail.

I do need to accept that my marriage is dead. I'm getting there but if is a slow process.

I shall leave it up to God and trust in his higher power and get that rubber band back in my wrist!!!

X