Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[sandi2]

You may have misunderstood what I was saying in that paragraph. I tend to make statements from the VP of the WW, but you probably did not realize it. Let me try again, below.

If I gave her the benefit of doubt, [then] I would say she has seen the erring of her ways and has decided to give the M another chance. [However, from the VP of a WW], I can also see how she would want to avoid the entire nasty business of telling her H about her A. That just makes plain sense to a WW....(sarcasm implied). I'm not saying it is the right thing to do......I'm just saying a WW had rather bypass explaining an A, if she can.

From what I have observed, if the WW does not know her H has discover her A, she will not volunteerly tell him about it. If he does know and confronts her, telling her he knows........she may tell him she'll stay with him if they can just go forward and not talk about the A/OM. She usually does not want to ask for his forgiveness, or won't show remorse, and won't do the work necessary to have a successful MR.

Simply confronting her (just to let her know that you know), is not an automatic fix to the problems in the MR. That is the point I wanted to make to you. H's have this idea that if he confronts, she'll want to save the M, but that rarely, ever happens.

Sweeping the truth under the rug doesn't fix it, either. What your WW had rather do, and what is "right".......may not be one in the same.

[Steady9]

This is helpful
She shared more with me today that she wanted to. And I believe her. I let her know that I needed some of this information. It is interesting to think about if she is just trying to not tallk about it now because of embarrassment.... but I have been able to keep the conversation going -- I took the day off work. Kids in school. And we also ran some errands together it was an easy confrontation because over the past few days she could tell I knew more. Just today I said the OM name and she figured I knew given the last few days. I feel it went calmly given the circumstances

I am reading the DR -- I feel I need some details because I feel the story in my head is worse than reality. But I am trying to be mature too. I want to move forward.. and in the right way.

She does no have a reason today for what happened. Does she need to get that out?? I did ask her to think about what she needs .... today has seemed to go well... but know more to come.

Any ideas on the balance of me asking for more details and simply respecting- validating - passion moving forward.

[Steady9]

For example-- I asked her to let me know if the OM reached out to her, she said she would. I then said I would like to know what he says and what she says.... she did not know why I would want that detail ... it sounded like she would do it for me.

Is this me asking for too much?

She is this way-- she does not want the details. If something happens with me she would not want details ....

[MoveFrwd]

Id advise watching the Esther Perel TED talk on infidelity. It may be interesting to you.

[JRuss]

I think you both might really benefit from a good MC with experience working with couples where there's been infidelity.

On your questions, you should think about what you need transparency-wise and ask for it, end of story. If she balks at any of it, that's a red flag, but one you need to know exists.

[pinn]

Sorry for hijacking steady but we are in a similar spot. Thanks for that response Bond. For both steady and myself, it has been mentioned a few times to find a good MC.... how do you go about that?

[MrBond]

You can start with the DB sessions and see what they say. And you can always make calls on your own, but be sure that the MC you get is FOR saving marriages. There are some who may not be so inclined. What I did was ask some of my friends who have gone through this (sad that so many have) and see whom they recommended.

[Steady9]

W said the A came out of talking with the guy about his recent divorce and she felt some sort of "obligation ".

Again it is all stupid now

On the good side she talked about not having and friends and so while she is in her home town-- there is just plenty of things to do even if not exciting.

I also think she was not herself for the past months. But believe she is passed this now....

[MrBond]

"I also think she was not herself for the past months. But believe she is passed this now...."

I can practically guarantee that she's not. Half of what she's told you may be what you want to hear. I really can't stress enough how you need to get this worked out with a C. If you don't believe me, there is a recent poster now who is going through the scenario I mentioned earlier about an A that was swept under the rug. You may think you know better than others on here but don't kid yourself.

[pinn]

Hi Bond...(sorry for clogging your thread steady!)... can you give the name of that thread mentioned above?