Taking the first step...

[job]

I know exactly how you feel! I was thinking and doing the same things many years ago. It's not easy, but you have to keep that finger off the iPhone!

I'll try to help you w/some of your questions. In some ways, yes, he's enjoying himself, but the euphoria of being on his own will eventually get boring and old.

There is the possibility that if there is OW in the picture she may know something about you, but not all of it. They tend to share some stuff w/them as to why they feel so unhappy and want out of the marriage. They do not share everything or the OW would be questioning why he left you in the first place.

There is the possibility that he's saying some of the same things to her that he did to you in the beginning, but generally, the discussions are about his unhappiness and they tend to be chameleons whereby they take up the interests of the ow. For example, if the ow likes a certain music, they'll start to listen to it, etc. They reinvent themselves to fit their situation at that time. So, most likely they will be talking about the things that they want to do together. However, they have been known to take the ow/op to the same vacation spots, cafes, etc., as they did w/you. Why? Because they are familiar to them and yes, they enjoyed themselves while there w/you.

There is also the possibility that he is writing letters/cards to her. Some even write poetry or music for the "sudden" loves.

As for leaving much of his stuff behind is not what you think. In some instances, it is a link back to you and your home and they use the excuse of coming there to get something to do a temp check on you and see what you are up to. In another case, it could be that he's reinvented himself and he doesn't want to be reminded of the past w/the clothes, so he's purchased new "hip" clothes that fit his current lifestyle. As for having to face you again, he could very well ask that you pack stuff up and put it somewhere easy to get to and come when you aren't there.

No one can answer the question about receiving D papers out of the blue because each situation is different.

He thinks about you often, especially when he's alone at night. How could he not? You've spent a lot of time together. He works extra hard not to think about you and the distractions during the day help him w/that.

About your temptation to contact him...don't! Leave him be. He will contact you when he's ready to do so. When will that be? No one can answer that question for you...but he will. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it hard when the temptations arises whereby you want to text him.

All of your questions are valid questions and we all ask ourselves these questions in the beginning. Your mind is working overtime and your anxiety is up. Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs. Find things to keep your focus elsewhere and know that the man upstairs is working on him. One last thing...breathe!

[ciluzen]

Hey, Coly! I've been following your thread, but usually don't want to just reiterate what others have posted so I stay quiet...I'm a lurker, LOL.
I've been where you are with the million questions driving me crazy. You suddenly realize after the punch in the gut BD that you don't know your S as well as you thought and that opens the doors wide open for all sorts of thoughts, questions, fears and...dramatic little stories that your mind spins to make you even crazier. Try to slow down (almost impossible, right?). A lot of people try meditation at this point. I could never get the hang of it, but ehhhh...its worth a try.
What if all of those things you brought up are happening/happened? You have absolutely no control over any of it. None, zero, zilch, nada. Put a rubber band on your wrist...snap it every time you have a thought like this. Or put in your earbuds, blast face-melting angry heavy metal and run very hard and very fast. Journal those thoughts and fears and write out all the positives in your life. Phone a friend and say "I need to go dooooo something, right now!!". My point is, going dark is very hard on us. We need to keep ourselves occupied and stop focussing on H at this time (almost impossible, but that's the goal). And to answer the question (which Job already has, really)...yes, he is thinking of you and has not forgotten you. He's probably wondering what you are doing and why you are not contacting him.
Funny story. My H came over at one point to try our own "mediation" (our D is almost done) and as he was leaving (we were unsuccessful as his offers were ridiculous), turned to me with a sad look on his face and told me he noticed that I had been trying not to contact him. Then said, "don't try so hard." He looked so sad and lost, it was painful to see. It confused me and ate at me, so two days later I ended up calling him. He was cold and made up a lame excuse about why he said it...just blew it off as if he just wanted me to call if I needed clarification on anything, which really was the only reason I EVER contacted him while going dark. But by then, it had been two days and he was able to control whatever emotion he was feeling before.
Yes, they think about us and miss us. Let it get bad enough that he reaches out to you. It will happen. When it does, be light and breezy. Secure and strong. Listen and validate. And be the lighthouse with no talk of R. Until then, GAL your tush of and try to have some fun. Just try. Leave him to stew, or as some on here say, bake. He isn't ready to come out of the oven, yet. So don't keep opening his door. Or keep watching it. There's nothing you can do to make him bake any faster.

[Coly23]

Gosh thanks Job and Ciluzen. Reading your posts has given me much comfort and thank you for confirming that my questions are valid Job and for giving me an idea of what might be going on with the WAS. I think because H made the decision to walk away I am having trouble imagining him missing me or even thinking about me but as you say we have known each other for a long time and unless he has had his memory wiped I must invade his thoughts like he does mine!

As you can tell my mind is working overtime at the moment and I hope no one minds me posting here when I start to get anxious. I don't want to start sounding like a broken record and scare everyone off! H did reach out to D again today and I wonder if he is able to satisfy his need to make contact by reaching out to her all the time instead of me? That's one thing that worries me although she still hasn't responded to him.

I am proud that I managed not text him today and I will definitely take up the suggestion of the elastic band around my wrist! I remember that from a police series on TV where a police detective suffered from OCD and used it to control his anxiety. I didn't think to use it for this situation!

Unfortunately I'm not very good at relaxing or meditation. I can't even relax when having a massage! Although the only massage I have ever had in my life at one point the therapist actually had to tell me to stop talking and relax, it was very embarrassing!! Today I have been out in the garden slamming a fork into the dirt to get all that frustration out, I realise I need to do that more and I'm proud of what I have achieved without H! Me liking gardening was one of the lame excuses he used as to why he was leaving me because he doesn't like it therefore he didn't think we had a lot in common! It's taken me a while to face it again but I am slowly falling in love with it once more.

Ciluzen - your right I think I am going crazy with all these thoughts because I am doubting I know who my H is anymore and what he is capable of. He is definitely not the man I married. Also that was very mean of your H to point out to you about NC upsetting him and then backtracking! As we say the UK, they really are away with the fairies aren't they!

I know this time of darkness is an opportunity to work on me but I just worry that H might feel too much time has passed for him to contact me again. I know I should trust the process and I am trying to promise! I think it's just the weekends that are tough. I've got to try and find something to fill them up especially with the nights drawing in....

Thank you guys!! :0)

[Altair]

Coly,
I doubt he's having a blast in his sparsely furnished one bedroom flat. it's good though he is reaching out to D.

[job]

I'll add just a bit more to Altair's comment about him having a blast. Sure, it's exciting, new and fun to be "single" again, but that will get old very quickly. When he's alone, w/o distractions, his mind continues to whirl around and at that time, he has nothing to do but think about you and what he's done/doing. When they are alone, especially at night, is when the demons/thoughts come out to play. Some sit in their little rooms and stare out the window or at a wall. Some sit and cry and others toss and turn on the sofa in their beds, but they may run, but they can't hide from those thoughts for very long.

I wouldn't want to be in his head or be him during the crisis. There is a lot of emotional pain that they suffer from and it's there and the only way he gets relief is to run and find things that will make him feel better...but that "good feeling" won't last long and then he's on the move again, searching and searching for something to make him feel better once again. One day, he just might run out of things that make him feel better and he'll come to realize that happiness comes from within and he needs to look deep within himself to figure things out.

Nothing is as it seems right now when it comes to the MLCer.

You need to dig deeper for patience and have faith in the process.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I'm digging in deep especially today and this is testing me to the limits! I am also sporting the latest designer elastic band around my wrist which I have snapped several times today already!!

It really is bitter sweet knowing that H could be feeling pain and guilt for leaving. I want him to come back but not because he feels guilty. I want him to come home because he realises he does love me but the longer he doesn't contact me the less hope I have for that.

Today I've come on here to read my thread a few times to give me some encouragement to stay positive. I guess the the only other thing I have to be prepared for is if and when he does contact me is that it could be to give me more bad news... :0(

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Just wondering how the text went!

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, I sent him the text first thing this morning as we were visiting with friends. I just did what Job suggest and texted 'Happy birthday H! I hope you have a lovely day!!' and three hours later he texted back 'Thanks Coly. Hope your weekend is going well'. At that point I wasn't sure if I should respond or not so in the end I just said 'Yes thanks, just got home'. Now I'm crying because I miss him so much and this exchange seemed so polite and sterile. I just want to see him and have a hug.....

I guess now I go back to being dark?

[job]

Coly,

I'm glad your h texted you back a response. Now, you go dark once again. If you don't and you begin texting him, that would be considered pursuit. Allow him the space and time he needs. He will contact you when he's ready to do so.

Enjoy your day!

[Coly23]

Thanks Job! I will not contact him again until he contacts me but this has already been a long five weeks!

You have a lovely day too!