Just got back from a whirlwind trip to the desert for a lantern festival. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen- tens of thousands of lanterns floating up into the sky filled with notes of prayers and wishes. Breathtaking experience.
I dedicated one of my lanterns to letting go.... AKA... It was dedicated to h. I wrote him a love note on the outside of the lantern with the intention of letting him go for good. Letting those thoughts and prayers rise up into the heavens and trusting that I'm going to be ok. I am ok. I can let this go.
Well, after some prayers and meditation... I was finally ready to set that lantern free. I placed it over the torch, let it fill with hot air, and as I felt the tug of it getting ready to soar, i took a deep breath, and with tears in my eyes, I let him go.
As soon as it escaped my fingers, the whole lantern caught fire and came crashing down in a fiery ball of flames!
I ended up having to chase after the very thing that I had just dedicated to letting go. I ran over it to stomp out the flames and as I did, I looked up at the sky and while laughing, yelled, "but I don't know what this means!!!!!!"
Life is so freaking crazy and awesome and beautiful sometimes.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Ha Ha! I know, right?! It's comical really. My girlfriend watched the whole thing and said, " woah... That's and sign if I ever saw one." Either it's not time to completely let go or the heavens would not accept my well wishes for him. Haha.
Anyway.... All is well. Had a really good dog swap yesterday and h was really really pleasant. Had a tiny bit of small talk and he even poked fun of me for something in a playful way. I'm not reading anything into it AT ALL.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thanks esame! You are right..... Not the safest of activities!
Ackkkk- h is on my mind a lot for a few reasons. Thought I would come here to vent for a bit.
First- my one year anniversary on this board is tomorrow! I started lurking in August 2015 and finally signed up. I was ready to reach out. It also happens to be my birthday. I felt like I really needed this place after I celebrated my first birthday without h in my life... He always made it special.
3 years ago on my 30th, my h threw me a massive surprise party. I had no idea and I never felt so loved in my whole life.
2 years ago on my 31st, it was the last time my h told me he loved me. It was also the last kiss we would ever have. The very next day, he told me "I wasn't kidding when I said what I said.... If we weren't pregnant in 2 months, there was no point in being married"
It killed me. Utterly killed me. This was really happening... He was making good on his ultimatum.
.....and last year was the first year without him. 4 days later on 10/16, he would tell me that he was dating. He needed to put himself out there because his friends weren't cutting it.
Here I am now. Life is good. Just missing my husband.... But at this point, it's more missing the "idea" of a husband.
I worked really hard at DBing this last year. I didn't do anything to make our situation worse, and yet I also wonder if I could have done something to make it better. I was so stringent on following the LRT, I wonder if I've missed anything or could have done something different. Sigh.
OK-back to now- the present moment- Today, h really irked me. Grrrrr. (This is all me, btw, just making stuff up). He texted to say "hey have a good birthday tomorrow. Just confirming xxxxxxx for dog."
here's why I'm irked-We've discussed these dog plans a minimum of 3 times. I'm going out of town and he knows exactly what I'm doing.
Why would he bring it up again? And why would he just throw the bday in there . Which by the way, is a lame happy bday wish. I would have preferred him not say anything. Why even bring up that he knows it's my bday?Seriously.... I'm waaaay overly nit-picking this.... But something is off about it and it bothers me! I don't want to over analyze a stupid "nothing" text, but I have. I haven't yet responded
Before that text, my team threw me an awesome surprise party. I am so appreciative of them! Sometimes I feel like I'm "the devil wears prada" boss to them because I work them really hard.... But I try to treat them well. I even meditate with them to help us all remain centered! Anyway, it was nice to be appreciated.
Haha- emotions all over the place today.
Ok... venting done. Thanks for reading.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Wow there is a lot of information in that post Feyth, I don't know where to start girl!
Firstly, happy birthday! I wish you all the best sweetie, you are worth it!
I know what you mean about missing the idea of a husband, I was thinking the other day that I'm not sure if I loved H or the idea of H. What if he didn't change, but I had a different version of him in my head?
I don't know if there is anything more you or anyone else could have done, sometime I wonder if it even matters. I know it's hard to not overanalyse, but no useful information can come out of it, so maybe it is a waste of your time?
Good on your team! You must be proud of them xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, Thanks for popping in! I'm right there with you on the "I'm not sure if I loved him or the idea of him." I definitely did think that I truly did love him....and now there's just so much time and distance between us that i think my memories are starting to get distorted.
Someone gave me a piece of info the other day and I'm not really sure how to take it. I was told that h is miserable and has had some of our old friends rally around him to support him. They all think that I'm the bad person because I'm flaunting how happy I am and how I've moved on so quickly(????) (That's it in a nutshell)
So, yeah, I've been GALing like crazy the last year and my life is on an entirely different trajectory. I learned to really live life and have had so many doors open up for me. But now, I'm a bad person for living my life while my stbxh is suffering?? He was the one who exited the marriage because he wanted to be happy and have fun. he has shared with me that he hasn't been happy, but I'm so baffled by how our situation has been given new legs and reignited with me as the bad person.
Anybody have any thoughts on this? Should I have done something different? Is this par for the course? I'm not going to change, but I can't believe that this has become a "thing." What should I be doing now?
I've been sitting on this for a few days and just been scratching my head. I can't say that I've been Intentionally flaunting anything. I wonder if it's inferences from facebook or just the rumor mill? so confused.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Funny you post that bunny situation was kind of similar. When WW and I first started talking she would be like I know you are loving this... having the upper hand. I was like... say what?? Turns out she was miserable and I was the one who was doing great... crazy how that could even be the case right? I mean we gave them exactly what they want right? I think them being miserable and realizing that we are not the source of their unhappiness is a huge huge step.
I did not flaunt it openly either... but they find out. WW admitted that she would go out of her way to check in on me. It's crazy!
Feyth keep on GALing and don't worry about what your stbxh or his friends think! I'm sorry but was he worried while he put you through hell for the last year and a half? you did not cause this, you tried your hardest to save your marriage, whatever happens next is up to him not you. Not your circus, not your monkeys as the expression goes...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Happy(late) birthday, Feyth! Yeah, keep up the amazing GAL. You let him deal with his decisions while you make lemonade, lemon bars, lemon chiffon pie, and lemon-frikkin-cello out of those lemons he rolled your way. As Esame said, not your circus...
I keep thinking of my H saying that he wasn't going to do a happy dance when our D was final, but that he made me miserable and it was our best chance for us both being happy. Catch 22 much? I GAL and get happy all by myself, I prove him right. I waste away in misery to prove him wrong,...well, then I'm right, he's wrong, and I'm miserable. So, we just have to not care who's right or wrong, get happy, and leave him to eating peanuts and throwing pooh with his monkey friends.
You have a right to be happy and he has the right to hit bottom. If he ever decides to turn to you, you can make the decision that is best for you on whether to piece that R together again. Til then, his monkeys can have his back.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
