My children are 5 yo, 3 yo and 8 mo. No teenagers here but definitely a childish man-baby. My WH isn't here, he's in his work state so 100% of chores, child care household duties fall on me. WH gets in his "I'm not sure I want to be married blah blah blah" mode when he's in his work state living the bachelor life. Meanwhile I am here dealing with work, single parenting and DBing my marriage.
What future did I picture for myself? I pictured raising children in a loving, 2 parent home. I despise the idea of only having 50% of my children's life because some selfish @sshole chooses to go off and have a MLC or whatever. Also, I am burned out with regards to taking care of them myself for the rest of their childhood. Last night I only slept 2 hours because I was on call and the baby was up every hour. This is the third night straight of severe sleep deprivation. I've looked for night time child care and so far the options are pretty grim. MY family is very limited with being able to help me.
I am feeling rage towards my WH right now because I have been made a single parent through no choice of my own. I am doing what I have to do because I have no choice. We discussed our goals as husband and wife, parents and Muslims for 3 years before we married. He told me he wanted the family life, he told me how many ways he was looking forward to be an active father and husband. Now here I am, looking stupid for believing him. I am not in a good head space right now. I am exhausted and burned out. My energy is tapped out and it's nearly impossible to GAL when you're parenting/working 24/7. Even my coach was a bit perplexed on how to advise me when I told him my obligations and how limited my resources were when it comes to child care.
I am already livinng a life as if WH is not in the pitcure because there is no other option. In the meantime I am follwing the DB advice to make my marriage one a fool would leave.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Apologies PsySara I scanned up (on my phone) and read SH D sitch summary. My mistake.
You must be shattered. I presume you are not on call at the weekend? Can you get some childcare support for tomorrow and just sleep and relax? If not How about a film for the kids and the sofa with a blanket and a cup of tea for you?
Get some rest.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Jksd, might you elaborate on what it is that you differ from me on here?
Originally Posted By: Grl
Sara. Agree with firm (but gentle) boundaries. And this is where I will differ from SH.
A consequence I can think of that is appropriate for the situation is to remove yourself from the conversation civilly.
I expressed that Sara needs boundaries...boundaries require consequences.
This is a consequence,
Originally Posted By: Grl
to remove yourself from the conversation civilly.
This is not a consequence,
Originally Posted By: Sara
I was very quiet and he started asking what was wrong. I told him I had previously requested not to hear about their feelings for each other, that was a place I was not strong enough to visit. He started defending what he said and I lost my temper. I told him I didn't care what he felt for OW and what OW felt for him. I told him I didn't feel OW was capable of love or even being a decent human being. I told him I fantasized about her dying from some disease that eats a person from the genitals on up.
I amy have misunderstood what you said, but I think we are saying the same thing... I did not share an idea for a consequence, because as I have learned , we each individually need to determine what the consequence will be, because we individually need to know what we are willing to do. This is a very important DB principle from MWD and from those that share advice on boundaries...
Sara, must determine what she is willing to follow through on...and to be clear, consequences can not be about "punishing" WS/WAW. it must be a consequence that is focused on protecting oneself...
Sara, I truly believe your focus should be on practicing and implementing detachment. It is the theme in this forum, and most importantly t is the specific thing that MWD states before any step of DB or LRT will work effectively.
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
Sara, I believe in you. I am concerned for you I pray that you will turn to you and focus on you. You are so focused on the MR, that you are losing yourself... Cheeseless tunnels are when we set up camp doing the same things hoping for the same results... The most recent conversation with WH is deja vu several times in your threads. Please come out of that tunnel...
I am very concerned that you are not taking care of yourself first...DBing is about taking care of you first. You are still very connected to every little thing he does and or does not do...
I have more that I want to share for you for food for thought, but I have to run now. Please do something for you today. You need a serious break from it all.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Clearly you need more physical support. I hope that you are not also shouldering the financial side of your children alone. I hope you are holding him financially accountable for his children. Hire a weekend nanny -- perhaps one who can work 10-12 hours a day and let you rest, have individual time with each kid, etc. Make sure he is sharing in the costs of having these kids.
You mentioned 50/50 custody above -- there is no status quo of him being a caregiver for your children. If you don't want 50/50 custody, and frankly he very well might not himself, you don't have to allow him to have it. He has done nothing that shows he is a particularly committed parent, remember until recently he considered extending his contract in the other state. Look at how he talks, the kids clearly aren't his priority. He is his priority.
Sara, have you thought of an aupair? I worked in a town where they were widely used for people will very demanding careers. They are live in, but maybe that could be helpful for now? The demand of one infant and working night shift shouldering most of the responsibility on my own was very draining and regular nighttime care was very hard to find. My ex watched her when I worked, so my schedule went according to his and it wasn't working out when she got older. I didn't have any family help either. We did get childcare for 2 days of the week so I could sleep after a shift. It's tough.
Just a recommendation if it is something you would like to consider and can afford. You are going to burnout. You are an amazing mother and doctor holding everything together but you can't serve from an empty vessel. I encourage you to find a babysitter this weekend and just take some time to yourself.
Just got home from work, long and busy work day. A few texts went back and forth between WH and I but nothing aside from child stuff. I've pulled back a bit to regroup. I know detachment is important but so is trial and error. So far the trials that have worked is when I shower WH in affection. He responds almost instantly to this and softens, he becomes more attentive and responsive.
My anger has more to do with the fact I feel resentful over the lop sided nature of our parenting responsibilities. He comes home on Wednesday permanently. I feel there will more consistent results once he is here and not going back and forth to the place where he cheated. His behavior has been utterly consistent in that he regresses when he goes back to his work state. For now I am not making any sudden moves until that is no longer an option.
As far as boundaries go, I have pulled back and ended the convo every time he brings up OW. Last convo was a slip up on my end as my past response was to lose my temper. I screwed up again by raging on OW. The response I was supposed to be cool and detached while informing him I was stopping the convo as it had crossed a boundary.
Dbing has two constant rules: 1 Do what works 2. Stop doing what doesn't work
So far being aloof and dark resulted in WH thinking I wasn't interested in restoring the marriage. (he actually told me this) However being warm and affectionate reminds him of what he will be missing of he walks away. MY DB coach described it like selling a car, you don't give the price until you've let the person smell the leather, sit in the seat, drive it around. You show them the benefit of sinking $$$ into the car.
WAS have a tendency to believe that their spouse in unchangeable, they have created this list in their mind of unforgivable things the spouse "did" that means they are not worth fighting for. Part of the 180 is changing these things about yourself. In my case I have been a "right fighter" in the past. I chose to argue with my husband to convince him I was right, no matter how big or small the dispute. I showed my temper and yelled a lot. I was stubborn and would hold a grudge forever. I withheld affection for weeks when I was unhappy with his lack of help with household duties. So now I am "Acting as if" even when I am gritting my teeth. When he is here I see very positive results, when he is away and not seeing my actions he regresses. So for now I am holding still as he will be here permanently on Wednesday. I expected him to regress but I was caught off guard by his comment and forgot to DB for a minute and relapsed on my old behaviors.
One thing I can never criticize is he was always 100% present when home with the kids. He has always been a very involved father when home. BBL, baby is crying.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You sound so much more positive. Great (get some rest though). Is that because you know he will be back?
Do what works:
1) Keep showering him with affection* 2) Don't withold**
* - If it works do it. Do you make sure you look sexy but aloof when you do this? ** - Men hate withholding. Full stop. Never do it. Who did you learn this behaviour from? I will explain more when you tell me.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
