Detachment is not the process of stopping to love someone. It's ok to stand back and love them, and even ok to think about them. To have hope. Detachment is when you don't live your life or dictate your every move on those feelings or hopes.
There is someone I dated, someone I loved. I still think about him very often, and in my heart, I still love him. But I am detached. I live my life, I have enjoyment in my life, fun, hobbies, activities, and my actions and feelings are dependent upon my own. I know he's most likely never coming back into my life, but I still hold love for him. I was hopeful he might come in the capacity I needed him to, but even during that period of hope, I detached and went on with my life, building my future for me and my daughter.
Detachment is also healthy IN realtionships. What fuels YOu as an individual. What makes you happy and excited and energized? Focus on those things for a while.
RGB, You are in the hardest period of this mess. The strong attachment that we have to "the way things have always been" constantly pulls at you and urges you to disect, analyze, problem solve, and predict what will restore the status quo.
Good advice given to me is that, at some point, you're going to realize that you actually do not want a return to the status quo.
Something wasn't working, likely in and for both of you. Many times we men are oblivious to slowly building turbulence in our relationship - we figure being around is enough. And who knows the issues your wife is/has been dealing with.
That's why your absolute best (really only) course is to get yourself straightened out.
You cannot do anything to change her mind. REPEAT - you cannot do anything to change her mind. Say this to self over and over again until you begin to believe it.
You are advised by many here to focus on yourself, to "get a life", to "detach", etc. These are not magic pills that you can pretend your way through. These are not new sets of clothing that you put on the outside though everything is the same underneath.
Start planning for your life without her. I don't say this to be harsh, I say this because it's the only path that you KNOW you can determine right now. Don't pick up hobbies and activities that do not resonate with who you are and what you are passionate about. But DO find those things that resonate, that you care about, that you have passion for.
You're starting over.
It's not nearly as horrible as it sounds. Trust me.
One last thing - there's no reason why you have to facetime with your wife when she is visiting electronically with your son. Set it up, get connected, then leave the room and let the two of them visit. Go do one of those things that gives you joy, peace, or mental rest.
You can do this. But you HAVE to stop focusing on her - it's a fools errand that NEVER works.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I try every single day to concentrate on me and what I can control, but it's always there! The wonderment of what she is thinking - what is it she wants (does she even know). Is there a way back, is anything that I'm doing making a difference?...
I know that concentrating on her and her thoughts are damaging to me, but how the hell do you stop this.
I'm starting to think they aren't thinking. They are just acting on their feelings, which can be different from person to person and even from moment to moment within a single person, no matter how illogical and self-destructive those feelings may be. They are searching for certain feeling, which may be impossible to achieve. In fact, they may wind up doing the total opposite of what they should do to achieve those feelings, because they are letting themselves act impulsively according to their feeling of the moment and not actually thinking logically. Nothing can be achieved properly without careful thought and they are incapable of it at least with regards to the relationship.
This is what I think I see in my husband. The irony of it is he has been taking my advice lately on a major opportunity for him that is not related to our relationship and he is almost overly logical and willing to bend to what I advise even if he doesn't want to take my advice. I had to actually sort of ask him to back off on putting too much weight on my opinion or else I fear he will blame me if he doesn't do it and have regrets later. I told him I am not against this opportunity but we just need to approach it in an analytical way.
But when it comes to relationship issues, forget about it, he wants to be in control and that's it, even though there are similar and even more dire consequences of his relationships that are possible and he seems to be taking it all so lightly or at least in a state of total denial of the possibility that he is getting himself into a situation that will have lifelong consequences.
So my advice is don't worry about her thoughts/feelings because likely they are unsustainable in the long run, unless she points out some area you can improve about yourself that makes sense to you, even if you don't like it. That's the best you can do at this point.
Met up with a few friends a couple weekends ago, made me wonder if I shouldn't try offering some help to the new folks here. I sure got plenty when I first came here.
Good to hear from you.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
My husband has gotten himself into a situation that he says he can't handle. Maybe he can and maybe he can't, only time will tell, and maybe if he can he still will never be as happy if he hadn't gotten into it. But that's part of growing up and they are like children now. People need to make mistakes, own the consequences of their actions. And if it turns out really horribly, do you really want to have been the one in control of it? Of course not. At least you will be able to say, you chose this.
Every day I find myself having to drag myself through the day and I find myself fantasizing that she'll knock on the door. I KNOW THAT SHE WONT THOUGH!
I want so much to just stop loving her and not have this pain each and every single day. How the hell do you guys move past this?....
RBG - Go back and read every one of your posts. They are consumed with analyzing every interaction with WW. If you were reading these posts as an outsider, what would be your advice to the poster??
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your WW. Don't focus on that. Focus on yourself. Your in pain and can't control the things that are causing it. What do we do about that?
Start detaching. Read everything you can on this site about detaching to know what it truly means. Start developing a confident you. That process has already begun with working out and losing weight. The wheels are in motion.
Continue to be a great father. There is nothing in this world more gratifying.
Think about why you are GAL and making these changes. It's not to impress your WW. It's to impress yourself. And become a MUCH better version of yourself. Change doesn't require you to change your values as a person (unless you feel they're off). Change is to further your own personal growth.
You may or may not reconcile with your WW. I can guarantee you won't without developing the better you. And that's no guarantee. The guarantee is that better you will be fully equipped for whatever the next phase of your life is...with or without your WW.
And you will move past the pain. I promise you. It takes time and work. You can handle it. Find your inner strength. It's there.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
RBG, cheers for the positive comments on my thread.
It took time to get where I am but the big thing for me was getting out and expanding my social circle. I joined a meet up group and just got out there, tried some different things. I got to be friends with one of the trainers at my gym, he is originally from Australia so speaking English became the common theme. He is 12 years younger than me but I still go out with him and his friends. They bring a different energy to the air which helps carry you through.
The meet up group I joined is aimed at over 35's so again it's a different set of people, mostly all single professionals new to the area. Again for me, English is the common language but meeting people from different walks of life.
I spent time working on me, looking back over my marriage and seeing why I wasn't what I needed to be. For me, I realised it was a boredom thing. My W has always been passionate about her job but she also then hangs out with her work colleagues, I work in a completely different field and when we would go out they would always talk about work. Then she would wonder why I'm not all bouncy bouncy like she was....
I also realised it was a realionship of 2 rules, one for her and one for me. W was regularly suspicious of any of my female friends even my long time friends but when this 'friend' came on the seen I was accused of being jealous and controlling. I have been accused of controlling the finances when all I did was pay the bills.... W talks about being a free spirit that I have been suffocating but I wasn't allowed freedom in return, she always needed to know where I was....
These among others got me to the point of "I don't want this anymore". I want someone that we are on the same playing field playing by the same rules. It takes time and reflection on what you want for your future, and being here will help you with that.
Don't beat yourself up in this early stage, it will get better...
Met up with a few friends a couple weekends ago, made me wonder if I shouldn't try offering some help to the new folks here. I sure got plenty when I first came here.
I don't have any advice, but you and I both had the BD in September, and our W's are WW (although mine's A is over, forced by exposing to OM's W), and I know 100% what you're going through.
I wish you the best, and I'l be following along, hoping for something good to eventually come out of this. They tell us to be patient and it will be a long ride, but you've got other people in the passenger seat riding along with you.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
