I guess my point of all this. Time DOES heal. Things DO get better, if someone is stupid enough to to not want you, be smart enough to let them go. Because there will be someone out here who does want you for who you are and that is what I focus on and I feel the best I have in a long time. Again this doesn't mean I have given up on my W and that I don't love her, it just means I'm letting her find herself.
Actually I think you are finding yourself.
Question: If you step back from your situation and imagined it was your child in their twenties going through what you are going through, what would be your advice to your child.
Think about it. You can handle it.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Being more of yourself sounds like the perfect DBing. It sounds like you were trying to detach in a way that wasn't working for you. You can still be warm, kind and receptive without pursuing. IT's ok to feel pain over her actions and words, it's not okay to let those emotions rule your behavior and reactions.
I ran away from my WH plenty. I kicked him out about three time and saw a lawyer twice. I called him the most vile names in the book, once I sat in the car screaming in his face at the top of my lungs for at least 5 minutes straight. The picture of DBing I was not. (This was before reading DR) At times I fantasized about committing violence on him and OW. I would play out fantasies where I came to their job and put posters on the wall of what they did. I wanted to cause them pain that they caused me, I hungered for revenge.
I partially got my revenge by sending OW parents a letter exposing her affair, mentioned I was pregnant and had permanent heart damage from the stress. I thought I had succeeded, especially when OW texted me (what I thought) was a deep, heart felt apology. In the end it just pushed them back together and they resumed the affair. My actions resulted in more pain for me and a deeper injury to our M. After reading DR I realized my biggest mistake was trying to stop the affair and make ultimatums. I could not accept that I could not control my WH and this created more hurt to myself. The tighter I held him, the harder my demands the more he despised me.
So I read DR, got a coach and started my journey of recovering myself. I started to seriously question some basic things about myself. I began to see how I was coming across to my WH in our marriage, specifically the years before the A. I realized I had become very hard and unforgiving. I was so busy waiting for WH to "pull his load" to "step up to the plate" that I never asked myself what I could do to help our marriage. Sure, I suggested MC but that was because I wanted someone to point out to my WH his shortcomings, I felt I was the mature one and needed very little change. I was so wrong.
This is a process that never truly ends. I find I like myself better when I am kind and quick to say I am sorry. Strangely enough this resulted in my WH becoming soft towards me and for him to start doing the real work of reconciliation. Before when I was making my demands and ultimatums he would only half @ss participate, and grudgingly at that. Now he actively asks what he can do to make me feel safe.
I am not entirely sure we are piecing yet but I do like the direction our lives are moving now.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
This is a process that never truly ends. I find I like myself better when I am kind and quick to say I am sorry. Strangely enough this resulted in my WH becoming soft towards me and for him to start doing the real work of reconciliation. Before when I was making my demands and ultimatums he would only half @ss participate, and grudgingly at that. Now he actively asks what he can do to make me feel safe.
I think you are doing the right thing. I can argue with my husband and he doesn't always like that, but I just don't have it in me to be mean and even if at a particular time my husband isn't open to respond, at least I feel I am doing the right thing and I am not escalating the situation. When he is angry, I remind myself that God will judge me for how I treated him, not how he is treating me, and that motivates me. You have to be yourself as you say, because to a big extent that is why they stayed with us all this time so far.
I can argue with my husband and he doesn't always like that, but I just don't have it in me to be mean and even if at a particular time my husband isn't open to respond, at least I feel I am doing the right thing and I am not escalating the situation. When he is angry, I remind myself that God will judge me for how I treated him, not how he is treating me, and that motivates me. You have to be yourself as you say, because to a big extent that is why they stayed with us all this time so far.
Stay true to yourself and your values. It can't be wrong.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
FG, you're on the right path. Sara is right with her comment about being yourself is the best way to DB. You are a solid and good man and father. I can't think of anything better to strive for. Keep pushing to be that version of yourself and let he chips fall where they may. Do what makes you happy brother!
Mules, you have some excellent thoughts/perspectives in your posts. They are very much appreciated by myself, and I'm sure a bunch of others as well!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
All -- thanks for your thoughts. This is such a lonely process. I've reflected a lot about friendship during this process, and have learned a lot about friendship.
Mules -- eye-opening questions, as usual. What do I see. I can spend an hour talking about this, but to summarize ... Foremost, I hope my kids see a solid, steady, kind and loving father. That's the most important thing to me. For myself, I want to see someone who had the strength to seek what is right, and do what is right. In that regard, I'm a work-in-progress, but I feel good that I'm giving it my all. I will keep thinking about this. Your question is a gift.
2Lady -- I am not a religious person, but I like what you said: "I remind myself that God will judge me for how I treated him." To rise above the dysfunction of the relationship, and to do what you believe is right. Thank you for that comment.
I am in limbo, but every morning I get to wake up and see my kids -- I'm thankful for it. That's what I want right now.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I can spend an hour talking about this, but to summarize ... Foremost, I hope my kids see a solid, steady, kind and loving father. That's the most important thing to me. For myself, I want to see someone who had the strength to seek what is right, and do what is right. In that regard, I'm a work-in-progress, but I feel good that I'm giving it my all. I will keep thinking about this. Your question is a gift.
Interesting FG. I love your response. Here's the thing: In taking a look at yourself your first response was hoping your kids see you as a "solid, steady, loving father." (btw that's how I would have answered also). BUT for yourself you very humbly admit to being a work-in-progress and that you want to see someone who had strength to seek what is right and do what is right..
I think it's incredibly telling about your character that you continue to put your kids first. Nobody can ever question that. BUT for your kids to see you the way you want them to I think you have to get to that person you want yourself to be. In other words, there are times you need to put yourself first. This is one of those times and in essence you are ultimately doing it for them. They want to see you as the leading, strong, steady man you are looking to be (and quite frankly are a lot closer to being than you think). I hope that makes sense.
You are close FG. Keep working, it's not easy, but it will payoff. This is about you, not any R. As CT puts it, you're in a fight for self. You can handle it.
Quote:
I am in limbo, but every morning I get to wake up and see my kids -- I'm thankful for it. That's what I want right now.
I think limbo is what makes you feel so lonely. So gameplan. What's the next play against limbo?? I always like an aggressive approach as opposed to a conservative one. But I'm an old QB so that's to be expected. What do you think?
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Mules, you have some excellent thoughts/perspectives in your posts. They are very much appreciated by myself, and I'm sure a bunch of others as well!
lt, thank you very much. I know how much help I received. It was invaluable. I feel very lucky to be where I am now and wanted to somehow give back. It amazes me how after all this time this site looks and feels exactly the same. Kind of chilling. I'm in awe of this place. Everyone here is fighting for their families. If that doesn't warrant support, I don't know what does.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
