Thank you Sotto, Job and NYGal, you all rock as always.
So ladies, I kind of get the whole thing about deciding what is better for me. At this point in time, I know what would be better, my brain tells me what logic would benefit me the most and how easy it would be if... if.. if..
But my heart is something all different, it is stubborn, it does not understand logic, it does not fails to remind me every day that XH exists.
From the outside you can see a person that is living her life, doing her stuff. I don't look so bad and people say that I look better and younger everyday. I didn't stop working and got a nice performance review as you all know. I am refinancing my house for a much smaller interest rate e will finally put it in my name.
So you see, I am really managing my life well, with ups and downs in the kitchen since I hate cooking, but if you see me, you will say: "She got over it".
It is inside of me that is the turmoil. I am having a very, very, very hard time with the detachment part of this process. I don't let go. I feel I should, but the real me says there is still hope. Why am I so stubborn? Really don't know, never been so stuck in my life.
So I think to myself, what is the things that I can do that will put me closer to my goal, and yes, my goal is that XH and I could give just a chance to taste life together with our new view on things, with our kids older and doing better, without so much stress as it was before, with more faith.
All the time that I get closer to him things go really well, we get along well. But then I have these demons in my mind saying that he does not care about me, don't think about me, do not want me anymore in his life. That he loves someone else and won't be attracted to me ever again. Then I put distance.
I was thinking about what NYGal said and it really makes sense. I know it is hard, but having compassion, patience and loving him for what he is and what he has to offer seems like my best shot right now.
I have no problems with boundaries as XH has been very polite and respectful with me and boys. I can see the difference of respecting my boundaries and feeling comfortable around the house, around me.
I see that every time we talk he takes the time to listen and to tell things about himself. He always wants me to know that he is alone, has no one in his life. The very last time we talked, his car was on and he told me he was going to work and then would come back to pick up the boys for dinner. At some point, he went to his car to turn it off. I mention that I didn't want to bother him and he said that I never bother him.
Later I mention again and said that I was sorry that he was talking and didn't do the things he was suppose to and he said that there will always be work tomorrow and talking to me was more important.
Sometimes I even feel like he wants me to fight for him. By my side I always feel I need to keep my distance and let him step up and say he wants to come back. But, I also read here that sometimes things just develop onto something else and the MLCer won't ever do it properly, with all the words.
Now, XH keeps telling me that he has friends that have some marital problems and he tells me the advices that he gives them. Tells me that he always mention what he did to his family and that not trying to make a marriage work before taking any decision or stepping into something even worse, is the biggest mistake a person can make.
He always makes a point in saying that he mean every word he said. Like when he is leaving, he look at me and says: Pink, I meant every single word I told you.
So, maybe I should stop thinking that I need to keep my distance and make him believe I am moved on. He knows me so much better then anyone else in this earth and he knows I still love him. So why to lie? I do not need to run after him, never really did during this process and I am not planning to start now. But I think it is time to give him my shoulder, my understanding, my compassion and my unconditional love in any decision is there.
I know it will put me at the edge again. That it is more painful to stay then run away. But I got here thinking that there is no other way around anymore.
Like for example, when he says something nice to me, that I don't dismiss and look to the other side, but thank him and look him in the eye. Like when he says I look beautiful, that I accept he likes what he sees and feel proud that he said that to me, and smile and thank him with my heart and not just with my indifference.
Maybe it is time to be his friend, but for real. Last time we talked, he said again that he wish we could be friends, then I said that we are. He then said that I am cordial, friendly, and that there is a big difference of being his friend.
He is right, I am always so afraid to jump on his arms, that I keep the friendly attitude and I am not his friend.
So, what you guys think about it? I tried the NC stuff and it does not work with XH. He comes around, he is always around one way or the other. Then I tried the "as if" like trying to be strong, or that someone else is in my life... then XH comes around with more intensity and I kind lost myself then, because he is all forward, and when he sees I backpedal, then he back up too.
I guess from all the techniques, I need to go on the friendship way. As Job says, there is still a long way for XH since he is still in the oven. The pastor from my church knows both of us and says that we need to be patience, that God is working in both of us. But that he thinks that God has a reason for getting both of us always in each others path.
I forgot to tell but a lady from church that is an very big sweetheart said that she asked XH other day, if he had any plans for his life. She told me she said to him that he doesn't have all his life ahead and that he wasn't getting younger. XH said that he does not know yet, that he is working on his issues first. He said that he still love his family, his sons, love Pink and that right now he does not know how to go back home.
I hope that all what I am going through inside myself and the ordeal of this MLC effect will help someone one day. It is a really hard situation and it is very difficult to hang in there, even worse if you think that you may do all this and at the end it does not go the way you want to.
I guess if someone else show up in my life, then I will just move on.
Again, thanks ladies for all the advices and for making me think a little more. It is hard to see things well when you are so involved. But I am blessed to have such nice ladies and sometimes Jack here.
Please, don't hesitate to give me your opinion about all this, I really need some hints of what to do, what can I try, what words to say, what kind of subject would be nice to talk as friends. I feel silly but I also know that I am learning this stuff again and it is not the same and is very hard.
I know that we've discussed this before but...why not just be friends? Be friends w/o expectations for now. You and your xh started out as friends and as time went on, you became close and fell in love. You can recreate this friendship and allow it to grow at its own pace...again, no expectations.
Think about it because I know you would like to give the relationship another shot and this just might be the way to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, you have told me more then once that I need to be patient and just be friends with 0 expectations. It is very hard for me. But since this time, with this R, I have been unable to just let go, I think that it is the only road to walk. Besides, it will make things better for my sons.
The one thing that I am grasping a little better now is that we are divorced now for over a year and we have our separation 2nd anniversary coming up on Halloween. Creepy ah !
More and more I have been seeing that our M is totally over, there is nothing left on that R. Makes me sad? Yes, because I really had this feeling that M is forever, that we would be together for whatever situation, and it was not what happen.
I am in a way looking more into my own self and my own life, I wish I had more freedom, but it is what it is for now. For a long time I was always living someone's else life, so it is a learning process to get back to my own self.
Well, like everything in life, changes are not easy and time is the medicine for all things.
Saw XH yesterday on my driveway, he was dropping off the boys. I said Hi, smiled and he was looking very, very tired. He asked if I was OK, and I said yes and comment that he looks tired. He said that he was really tired, but had fun with the boys. I said well, I better go, and said good night.
Later the boys said that he asked to hang with them on Saturday. It is not in his schedule, but I really don't care because my boys are all big teenagers and if they want to be with their dad, then it is up to them. I am just seeing this change lately, that more and more he wants to spend time with them, and invite himself to the house.
Oh well, again as Job said, no expectations. Besides, I have a lot to do on Saturday. I will be busy and in and out of the house the whole day.
Thank you so much Job, I know you are right. I still have a hard time dealing with my pain. It is now buried inside, but I know it is still there. I wish so much that both of us could see some light and make our family whole again. This is a very big wound inside my heart... but the only thing I can do is to face reality.
Try to remember that any relationship you have w/your xh now is going to be a new one. The old relationship/marriage are gone/dead. This is going to be new territory for the both of you because you both have changed a lot in the last year or so.
Take it one step at a time and try to keep those expectations very, very low for now.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink I'm nowhere near as far as you in my journey, but I understand how you feel. I know in my heart that the relationship I had my my H is over. Well and truly over. I would not want to go back to it. But I cannot stop grieving the future I had dreamt for the two of us for our family. And I don't want to "move on", even if there is no future, getting married was for life for me, so I have loads of issues to deal with before contemplating moving on.
Take care sweetie xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So one think jumped out at me (and it's 5am here so forgive me if it was in your next post) ... a friend of mine wrote a book about her experiences in Peru with shamans. One line especially came to mind:"The shaman knows that if he is not living his dream then he is living someone else's."
So, my feeling is to live your dream. you know what i mean? when i first read that i realized that this mlc is my husband's dream - the false notion that he will go out and grab the gusto of life that he was missing by being married. it's his dream, freedom, no responsibility except to have our s every other week. no home to be responsible for. just him, his $ and his motorcycle. living his dream is actually a nightmare to me.
my dream is different. my dream is to spend my life with a true partner, one who loves me as much as i love him. one who wants to share his life with me. someone with a grateful heart who knows that love is a gift and tries hard not to take it for granted.
so i'm now trying to live my dream by being that person to myself.
i don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else or helps you in any way, but i hope it does. i guess what i'm trying to say dear Pink is what is YOUR dream? make sure you are living your dream xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You said: "All the time that I get closer to him things go really well, we get along well. But then I have these demons in my mind saying that he does not care about me, don't think about me, do not want me anymore in his life. That he loves someone else and won't be attracted to me ever again. Then I put distance. "
Don't let the demons win. Take XH in your arms and see what happens. That's the risk that's worth taking.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Well, the story is very long and I can write a book here, but I will try to put it as short as I can.
XH has been present in my life in a very consistent way. We are friendly to each other. He comes to pick up the boys and normally comes inside the house, if I am there then we always chat.
The only time he was a little upset and decided to wait outside was because I said I was going to the mountains on Friday and coming back on Saturday. He made some big deal because he said he would like if I could change the weekend and go when he was in town. I just said to him that my kids are old enough to stay by themselves and I would go anyway.
We still go to the same church and we see each other there too. He is always very kind and very polite. I feel like I am this very expensive crystal sometimes.
On Halloween it was exactly 2 years mark that XH left the house. A lady from the church invited everyone to have dinner and vigil at her house. I went and later XH joined the group.
He got there very smiley and sat beside me at the table. Later, the lady asked if anyone would like coffee and when I was standing up, he said he would prepare my coffee because he is the only one that knows how I like it.
At some point, a lady that is friends with both of us, walked to us and started talking about XH and me. It was painful, so I excused myself and went to the restroom, when I came back there they were talking, waiting for me to join the conversation.
Things got really heated up:
Lady: Why are you too doing this to yourself? Why you two can't see what is very obvious to us all. We see that you two care for each other, love each other, but in the same time you are not working hard in your M. Pink: Well, things are the way they are and XH divorced me for a reason. Besides, it is his right to rebuild his life. XH: I love her and she knows it. And some more lines around the same subject. At this point every single adult were sitting right in front of us two. We were in the light spot and everyone was trying to help out.
Then another lady said: XH and Pink, you two need to work hard to recover something that actually never ended. You two have a beautiful family and we all can see how much you love each other. Then she asked me: Pink, do you love XH? Pink: Yes I do, and I do not love anyone like I love him. I also for forgiveness since I know how much I did during our marriage. I also said that I feel this way but respect if he wants to follow his own path. Lady: XH do you love Pink? XH: I do, and I love her a lot, and I have been saying this to her for a long time but she does not believe me. Lady: Could you look into Pink's eye and say that?
XH turned to me and said looking into my yes, said that he loves me and that he won't ever find a woman like me, that he loves me with all his heart.
We hugged for awhile, crying like babies and saying that we need to be better for each other and talk more and give ourselves a chance and blah, blah, blah.
So, you think that this is some kind of miracle reconciliation? I guess it is not.
Next day he called and left a message asking me to call him. The message was warm and cute, he said that he would rather hear my voice but he understood that I was in class and would maybe to text him.
I called and he was very nice, we have a good talk about many things but no R talk.
The next day I called him at night to tell him about something from the church and then said I was going to let him go because was getting late. XH asked if I could talk to him a little longer and I did.
Saturday, we attended a wedding (same). I dressed myself up and was looking pretty good. XH saw me at the party and came to say hi, I said hi but was still finishing with some fruits. Then XH comes later to say hi again but in this moment our pastor called him and said they needed to go to another wedding because there was some emergency.
I got really upset but couldn't do nothing. Finally I decided to go home and in this same minute XH was getting back from the other wedding. I just said goodbye and left.
XH comes to the house to pick up some dry cleaning that I picked up earlier. At some point I said: Pink: I was very upset at that wedding today. XH : Why, you didn't like the ceremony? Pink: No, I like that. I just didn't like that you were not there. That for many years I didn't dress up for him specifically. XH: Pink you look gorgeous, I didn't say anything when I met you at the party because sometimes I don't know if I am doing something good and you will be glad with it or if is all the contrary. Pink: Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Then we started talking, but this time some R talking come out.
XH said all that again, that he loves me and even said that he does not loves me just because I am the mother of his kids but the woman.
He also said that he is a broken man and that he still have wounds from his last two R, with you and with that woman from France (he said like this).
He said that he feels like he has been inside a big fog where he couldn't see the right direction, but lately he has been feeling that the veil is coming out of his eyes.
XH also told me that he is meeting people. That a couple of weeks ago he had a coffee date with some lady. He said that the lady was very sweetie, that she was a nice person, that he felt that she would like to see him again but it ended up that he didn't feel anything.
At this moment I got upset but tried to maintain my composure, and then I said some stupid like the best thing is just to let go and move away sometime after S16 is done with high school.
Then he kneeled and said that I did not listen a word he said. I said I didn't get what he was trying to say and asked if he could explain to me.
XH Said: Pink, I think that we are moving in the right direction. I asked God what I need to do that is right for us and the only thing I hear is that I need to be your friend and whatever will be will need to start from this friendship.
Then XH said that he can't ask me to wait for him. But he feels that he is not ready to get into a R right now, but that he thinks that if we give ourselves a chance then things can happen.
He said that he can't promise anything and he won't be in my way if I meet another man and decide to walk away from him, but that is not what he wants.
So, we have been talking a lot more. S22 told me that I need to stop being snobby and just assume that XH loves me and he just need some time. That I need to be his friend and be in his life because he does not wants me away from him.
Every step of the way I get confused. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can just step forward and sometimes remind him that I am around. I say that because XH is traveling again and he feels really good when I call or text him.
But I don't know how much is too much, and how one knows when it is time to engage a little more. By other hand, I know he is dating if that shows up for him.
It is all so messed up in my head that I feel like giving up on it all. I am very tired and weary.
But the biggest thing for me is that I don't know how to be his friend. I just don't get that we need to be this great friends and just be. I guess I am still hurt and I have a lot of fear.
I am much better at detachment though.
If anyone have any idea of what could help us during this time, I would appreciate. Like, how to behave when XH comes to my house, just be smile face and talk to him. I don't want to be fake either.
Well, if nothing, I hope my words will help someone that will be feeling like me in the future.
I need to go, Love ya all Pink
I asked if he is in love with someone else and he said that no.
