Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

GUmp -- you have a way with words. Yeah, what I want, and need -- for me -- is to not see or talk to her for several days running. I need a break. I am just worn out at this point.

[lt0402]

Hey JR, hope the beach trip with the kids is going well. Let us know how you're doing when you get back.

[JRuss]

Back now from the Beach with the kids. It was great. Not perfect -- they bickered quite a bit, and I find myself losing patience when they do that (need to keep working on it) -- but still great. The weather was perfect. We ate lots of fun things, hung out, played board games in the evenings, I let them stay up late.

I didn't speak a whole lot with W. Mainly just let the kids call her if/when they wanted to, and we'd occasionally speak very briefly as the phone was being passed around. She didn't initiate any of the calls, and by the last night, the kids didn't seem to feel a need to talk to her, so I just went with that. I find myself really struggling to relate to her mindset, as I fight through the fear of what it will be like when I lose 50% of my life with my kids while simultaneously watching her seemingly relish the coming reduction in parental responsibility.

Back home last night to the same unchanged situation. Cordial roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms, with me struggling alone in mine, wishing I could figure out how to reverse all of this negative momentum but not being able to do anything, stressing about "being the lighthouse", etc. Tomorrow is our first MC session. I'm pretty nervous. I have IC today and hope to talk to her about how to be best conduct myself, because I'm pretty clueless. I know not to have any expectations, but it's hard not to wonder if we couldn't be one of those couples that seems to genuinely benefit from counseling.

I need to catch up on others' sitches; I'm hoping for good developments for everyone.

[ForGump]

D.C.: Lloyd, why do you have to be like this?
Lloyd Dobler: 'Cause I'm a guy. I have pride.
Corey Flood: You're not a guy.
Lloyd Dobler: I am.
Corey Flood: No. The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy.

[JRuss]

So we went to marriage counseling today for the first time. Wow. It was very intense. The MC seems great (she only works with couples and is "pro relationship", which she told us at the outset), and my W was engaged -- albeit not always saying what a LBS wants to hear (i.e., affirming just how far out the door she is) -- so it felt somewhat successful, and I think she'll be willing to go back.

I honestly had no expectations going in and, in fact, felt like I was going to leave knowing our marriage was over because W just wouldn't care, and that would be the final bit of proof I needed to give up. But that's not how I feel right now. It is a complicated set of emotions, and I don't think "hope" is one of them that I'm feeling, but I feel better in some weird way that I haven't really thought out but intend to.

I've seen several LBSs say they've felt ganged up on in MC. I get it now. I did feel ganged up on at times, as the MC let my wife really go on, and she unloaded. It was hard to hear, but, honestly, my W plays things so closely to the vest when it comes to this stuff, that it was literally the first time I've ever heard her entire perspective, laid out in a linear fashion, as to how she started to struggle with the R, what she did to try to cope, how she eventually gave up, etc. In her communications with me, it's always been bits and pieces and shards, which has been frustrating. I realized that the MC correctly deduced it's my W that is thinking she wants out, so I think there was a method to the ganged up dynamic -- get W talking freely, get her to feel like she can talk, be heard, be safe, etc., because she knows I'm there wanting it to succeed and am already bought in, and W is the one on the fence. In other words, the LBS can "take" the airing of grievances better than the WAS, because of our respective dynamics.

The session was supposed to go 1.5 hours but ended up going over 2, so that's bullish, I guess. I'm mind reading, but the MC seemed pretty jazzed to have the opportunity to work with us. I think we flip her usual script in a lot of ways (W is more like the traditional man in the stereotypical R (closed off emotionally, not sure they want to be in MC, etc., and I'm more like the traditional female, maybe?).

Anyway, I'm really exhausted. I feel like I've been in an emotional boxing ring.

[JRuss]

Another thing the MC said -- on average, couples wait 6-7 years to get into MC, and she said "so you guys are right on time".

[ForGump]

Happy for you.
Envious.

[JRuss]

Gump -- I appreciate the kind words. I'm not sure envy is the right emotion to be feeling given how beat up I'm feeling right now, and, as I said, there wasn't anything in any of it where my W truly came off her position that the marriage should end, but I'm definitely aware that my sitch isn't nearly as bad as what so many people here are going through.

I do think that this MC is about as good as we're going to find in our city, so we're at least in the right place in terms of maximizing any chance.

[ForGump]

Your W appears to be engaging you & the counselor in earnest. You're actually having an honest dialog about your marriage. That's a huge victory.

[JRuss]

That's a great blast of perspective, FG. Thank you. I found myself thinking as my W unloaded "Why on earth were you unwilling to come here for 2+ years", because we lost so much time and so many things have happened that might not have, but I guess the two of us are each on our own journey, and both journeys have their own unique pacing.