The Phantom Cyclist - Journey Leg 3

[MoveFrwd]

It's rare for me to come to this forum, but a little birdy told me things that gone off the rails in this thread. Just wishing you well with whatever you decide to do going forward, AP.

[Coly23]

AndrewP, how are you doing?

I'm doing a bit of cycling this week. I think it's because it's H's birthday soon and I miss him desperately. Anyway I am now sporting an elastic band around my wrist which I snap everytime I want to text him. It's working so far but I'm worried if people will think I'm a bit weird!

Let us know how you are doing, I do enjoy reading your journals.

[AndrewP]

Needed to get this written and out of my head. Nothing much of any real consequence but there's nowhere else I can write this amount of drivel and nonsense. I could perhaps write it in a private journal but part of my personality requires an audience. Odd for an introvert I suppose but D24 is similar. Not comfortable around groups but very public about our lives. W on the other hand is an extremely private person who is an extrovert and loves being around people and being the centre of attention.

I just went across the street to pick up my mail and almost walked over top of W. She's looking good. I don't know if she saw me or not. I spun on my heels and ran. I feel like a coward but an encounter in front of a group of people while she's working seems like all sorts of a bad idea. It's now 10 minutes later and I still have the shakes. In hind-sight I wish I could have seen if she was still wearing her wedding ring but that would have meant pushing myself into her space. Part of me wishes she'll come over and see me but I sincerely doubt that will happen. I had gotten a phone call for W from a charity she volunteers for earlier in the day and texted her the message - got a "thanks" back in a few moments.

Just to catch up on my story.

Last Saturday I participated in a charity walk to support the local mental health assn. I think I was the only person there who wasn't either obliged to be there as part of the organization or as part of a team from one of the sponsors. I stuck out a fair bit. SIL2 was there doing the warm-up (she's a personal trainer) and walked with me for a while. It was dark and I had my handkerchief so no one saw me weep as I was walking. Recent battles have fractured my shell but I think I'm getting stronger every day. I did "win" a door prize which included a coupon for my favourite restaurant which I went to that night for dinner. I "checked in" on Facebook because I thought it would be good to recognize their generosity but realized later that my post made it obvious that I was alone. I agonized later about W or our friends who don't know taking it to mean that we were apart or ask questions about why W wasn't there with me. Fortunately silence.

On Sunday I drove the 3 hours to have a late lunch / early Thanksgiving dinner with S22. While we were out I asked him what his thoughts were on me dating. He thought about it a bit and said that he thought it would be fine when I was ready. I commented that I felt stuck because I had no idea what W's plans were or even if she herself was dating (lies on my part - nose grew bigger). S22 replied that he didn't think she was dating and would be surprised if she was. So - he's still in the dark it would seem unless he's holding something back. It was odd because he commented on how hungry he was but then ate very little and took his dinner home as left-overs. Did he have a dinner planned with W later? No clue. He's been having his own struggles though so appetite could be a problem for him. He said that he was planning to spend the afternoon watching the Bengals lose another game. He is also in favour of going to see D24 with me in March for my birthday which is nice to hear. After we ate we sent a short Snapchat to D24 and her H to which they responded.

I had an appointment with my regular L today to get my will re-done. I think he was baffled about what's going on with me but gave me what seemed like good advice. My brothers will get Power of Attorney and the kids will get the insurance etc. The house goes automatically to W because we hold it jointly and there's nothing I can do about that without getting her name off the deed. Poking that bear right now is probably a bad idea. My L was astounded that there has been no communication, that I don't know where she's living and that there is no sort of S agreement in place already. I need to change the beneficiaries for insurance / pensions separately rather than doing it through the will but I have the forms. There are extra fees and complications in leaving that to the estate especially since D24 is in the US that can be bypassed if I leave it directly. I just need to find the courage to do that specific break from W. I took the opportunity to talk to the L as well about the possibility that W could just be waiting out the clock for a year to separate. His response was "it doesn't work that way", especially since I had earlier commented that I wanted her to come back and that I felt the current physical separation was temporary (that resets the separation clock). He also commented that she must have gotten some really lousy advice before stripping the house. For a D I'll be using a different L though if I go that route. I'm so confused about what I "want" right now that its driving me crazy.

I had a call from my boss earlier today asking about my health. He's quite worried about me. I told him that I appreciated him not pressing for details and that I thought that I had turned a corner recently. He seemed honestly concerned but didn't pry.

Other than the "thanks" a short while ago deafening silence continues from W. I was really tempted to contact her over the last week and ask her if she was still wearing her rings and if there was any hope at all that she would come home but did not. W continues to follow my SnapChat story - not every day, but most days. With everything that she can see of me, she can't help but know (I could be wrong) that I still love her, miss her and want her to come home. She should also see that I am living my life, finding joy and sorrows without her. I can see very little of her - really just when she checks on my Snapchat, our finances and what little she posts to Facebook. One thing of note with her Facebook posts she posted a meme to a friend of her's who doesn't like me and is a fire-starter saying that even though they disagree that they can still be friends. Not too much angst from her. When she reaches out and tags friends in posts there are only a couple now who seem to respond. Very few people press "like" on her posts. She's also been starting to comment on D24's regular status updates as well as a mutual friend - they guy who introduced us in fact. It felt awkward for me but I decided that I would continue to comment / like on this guys posts like I have all along. I felt extra brave by pressing "like" on a comment that W made to D24 after their troubles during hurricane Michael.

I am curious as to what W did during Thanksgiving. Realizing as I do now that these sort of family events are actually not very meaningful to her makes it possible that she just stayed home. She could have gone to see her sister, brother or even OM but there was absolutely no indication on Facebook etc that that had happened.

The updated will and power of attorney should be ready in a couple of weeks. I told S22/D24 that if W asks them that they can tell her about it but that I wasn't going to "bother" her with the information. She'll undoubtedly notice though when the payment goes through the bank. I'm also going to pick up some furniture at Ikea to replace some of what W took with her. I'm starting to make longer term plans that don't include W. I'm so very lonely though and I do love her so much and desperately want her to come home. If only me begging her to come home could possibly work - but I don't want her to come home for me. I want her to come home because it is her choice and that it's what she want to do. The temptation to take off my rings and announce that I'm separated and start looking for a NG is also very strong. I expect that is mostly the loneliness, not an actual desire though. My children would be disappointed if I gave up now and I wouldn't be true to the promise I made to W back in March that I would not be the one to give up first. Not knowing if she's already given up or not makes keeping that promise difficult. I can only presume that because she's not told our children, myself or made any other move that she is still undecided.

Even though I know I shouldn't put "dates" on things I'm figuring that I'll be going through the winter alone. In April, if I'm willing to slightly perjur myself I could file for D. In between, it will be dark and lonely and I will need to find ways to stay strong and not succumb to depression. I don't know if my IC will continue to be available to me - I suspect I only get a certain amount of time from the referral from my MD and those visits are only every 5 weeks or so. One of the big reasons I came here today was that I was supposed to see her today but she cancelled due to illness.

I was thinking today that I am one of the few of the cohort who joined this board in around April who is still "standing" and still in doubt. I believe HaWho and I might be the only ones left who haven't moved out of Limbo and into some sort of purgatory or new life. A tiny part of me wants to scream to the universe that this "isn't fair" but I'm a huge believer that nothing in this world is "fair". You get what you get and you deal with it. You can't change the card in your hand but you get to pick how you play them.

Thank you to those who have been kind enough to read. Peace be with you.

[HaWho]

Hi Andrew - so nice to hear an update from you. I've been thinking about you. Hope you had a nice holiday. And good for you participating in the charity event.

Saw you mention me. We are not the only ones still "here." Mleigh, Bright and Ciluzen are all still with us. I am probably missing others. There are others who just don't post as frequently as we do: I think of Tfish. Plus, there are many, many lurkers: hi, all!

Winters are tough with the long, dark days. Personally, my salvation is to get fresh air each and every day + I hike or play tennis. It keeps me sane.

Plus, it's a good time to cook lots of comfort foods, right? Any new menu ideas?

[AndrewP]

HaWho - thanks for checking in. I'm still working my way through all the food in the house that W left behind. I was talking to S22 and we might tackle the whole chicken together at Christmas time. There's still lots of chicken breasts, ground beef, pork chops etc to go through. When I was single 30 years ago I did love cooking - these days though in many ways it's just a chore that needs to be done. Not having much appetite not much appeals.

Minor journaling update
- Did a major backslide yesterday. After weeks of having the pressure build inside me seeing W yesterday set it off. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday evening. Part of this is based on my reading of some of the posts by 2Lady who appears to be our new analytical / researcher type. One thing she wrote resonated with me that LBS who are compassionate seem to have an increased chance of a return. I have always treated W with respect and compassion but wanted to reach out to her in her tunnel. I also was hoping for, but not expecting some clarity.


A - I saw you earlier today. You looked great. I hope you weren't offended that I left without saying hello.
W - I wondered if that was you - sorry you felt you had to leave
A - I didn't want to intrude into your space especially while you were working. I hope you know that you can walk right back into our home and my arms any time. My only ask is that I am your Tigger
A - I can find forgiveness for everything. The last few months have given me time to heal.

<dead silence>

A this morning - I am unsurprised at the lack of an answer. Remember please that I love you and know that this is a journey you have chosen to take without me. I will continue to wait for you to choose your path. If you want me to set you free I will. If you choose me and our family I will be grateful and do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage. Forever does indeed happen one day at a time. I love you more than life itself.

<endit>

Will this have an impact on W? No clue. Will it drive her farther away? I hope not. Will it cause her to reconsider me as an option? I hope so.

I'm sure you all can appreciate the level of frustration that I have right now. Over the next few days I need to get things organized for my estate, writing W out of the bulk of it. I'm also toying with the idea of visiting my D lawyer again to get her to itemize a plan for me pushing forward for a D in April if I'm still in limbo. I have no idea if that's what I want or not though but I like being prepared.

I still try to have hope that W is actually dealing with her issues and that I am more than just a Plan B. I'm feeling pretty "Plan B"ish these days though and the idea of moving on without W is growing more attractive. I'm getting a lot of pressure from family and friends to take that route. I don't know - should I have some legitimate hope that W will wake up, look around and decide that she is willing to come back and reach out to me?

[Huddy]

Hey Andrew

I'm sure others will chime in, but I think that was a tactical error. I understand where you are, and your hurt, but that 'silence' probably tells you what you need to know.

Compassion is different to pursuing, and that is plain old fashioned pursuit. I would refer you to the lighthouse story that Job has posted in the homework.

This is hard stuff bud and you're, sadly, only just starting down the path (I know, it feels like it's been ages already), but you have to keep plugging to the original advice you've been given, otherwise, as you have seen, you're best intentions fall flat.

[dream]

Hi Andrew. I enjoyed reading your catch up post as I've been wondering what you have been up to. I'm glad to see that you're taking steps to plan for the future, even though it's not what you want. I hope it's ok that I'm replying to your post. I enjoy interacting with you and hope to help you out along the way, if possible.

"I took the opportunity to talk to the L as well about the possibility that W could just be waiting out the clock for a year to separate. His response was "it doesn't work that way", especially since I had earlier commented that I wanted her to come back and that I felt the current physical separation was temporary (that resets the separation clock). "

This is interesting. I was thinking that your W is waiting out the clock to file for D after a year so that her affair can remain a secret. How does it work since it doesn't work this way? Does she have to file something legally to start the clock?

I remember the days I spent in limbo-land. Far too many. I think that was the worst part of the whole thing.

I hope you're able to find your love for cooking once again. It sounds like you have plenty of meat choices!! I plan to cook more now that it's getting cooler. My family seems to really enjoy the chicken and dumplings that I make. It was XH's favorite, so I stopped making it for several years.

my answers to your questions that you asked yourself:
Will this have an impact on W? Probably not.
Will it drive her farther away? Not sure this is even possible.
Will it cause her to reconsider me as an option? Doubtful. She already knew everything you told her, before you told her.

I completely understand why you sent those messages. I'm positive that I sent worse messages in my experience. I'm a good example of what NOT to do! ha. As I said earlier, limbo-land is awful, but you appear to be handling things OK. I am really glad that you're seeking legal advice and making those changes with your will and estate.

I'm proud of your progress... even though you did slip up, but we all do. It's time to get back on track and continue marching forward, as you have been.

[AndrewP]

Huddy / dream - thank you so much for the visit and comments. Yes - I know that in some ways that this is still "starting out" but lord above - it feels like forever. Thanks for understanding how difficult it is dealing with the uncertainty and silence. The echo of uncertainty in me amplifies it I think.

Hi Andrew. I enjoyed reading your catch up post as I've been wondering what you have been up to. I'm glad to see that you're taking steps to plan for the future, even though it's not what you want. I hope it's ok that I'm replying to your post. I enjoy interacting with you and hope to help you out along the way, if possible.

I do try to welcome all visitors - despite being testy a few days ago and yelling "get off my lawn" at people You particularly are very welcome. You've talked me back from the ledge more than once. I hope the others come to call again in time while I try to work on my Carl Fredricksen (UP movie) tendencies.

"I took the opportunity to talk to the L as well about the possibility that W could just be waiting out the clock for a year to separate. His response was "it doesn't work that way", especially since I had earlier commented that I wanted her to come back and that I felt the current physical separation was temporary (that resets the separation clock). "

This is interesting. I was thinking that your W is waiting out the clock to file for D after a year so that her affair can remain a secret. How does it work since it doesn't work this way? Does she have to file something legally to start the clock?

No - there is no formal action that "starts of the clock" legally speaking here in Ontario, Canada however if you read the law carefully it does state that the separation has to be "for the purpose of ending the marriage" and I believe that has to be the intention of both parties. I'm not a lawyer though and would want to confirm this fact before actually acting on it. I believe that W is indeed completely paranoid about people finding out about the A still and suspect (mind reading!) that her fear of my reaction is keeping her from being more public about us being separated. On the other hand, she IS a very private person and would hate to have people asking questions about her personal life which would happen if she were more open about it. I really can't know what her motivations are or what she knows. I expect that she's not done anywhere near the level of research that I have done and is probably relying on the opinions of friends and family. That presumes that she's even thinking down the path of a divorce. Again - I don't know and there's no way for me to know. I wish I did though. If she would tell me for example that our M is over and that she wants a D and wants to start seeing OM publicly I would let her go if that was what would make her happy. I've told her from the beginning that all I want is for her to be happy but that I would prefer for her to be happy with me. I have seen paranoid activities from her in the month or so pre BD that got a "lot" worse post BD even though I've done everything in my power to be open, honest and transparent with her. Perhaps related to her depression, hormone flucations, MLC? No clue. Prior to this I believe that she completely trusted me and showed no paranoid tendencies at all towards anyone.

I remember the days I spent in limbo-land. Far too many. I think that was the worst part of the whole thing.

Limbo would be fine if there were dancing I suppose I'm interested to hear your own story when you are ready to tell it. It helps in my case that I have no direct knowledge of what W may be up to with OM etc or the state of that relationship and I try hard not to dwell on it. Even if that were to end, she still has a long journey and a lot of decisions to make before she turns towards me - if she ever does. I feel quite selfish thinking about not waiting for her and finding someone new. I had a lengthy conversation with SIL1 this morning where she kept repeating that I "deserved" better than what I'm getting. I on the other hand try to accept what is put in front of me because I've always believed the world isn't fair and people don't get what they "deserve". Not even people in love.

I hope you're able to find your love for cooking once again. It sounds like you have plenty of meat choices!! I plan to cook more now that it's getting cooler. My family seems to really enjoy the chicken and dumplings that I make. It was XH's favorite, so I stopped making it for several years.

One of my favourites that I made a week or so ago is creamy tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches. Simple comfort food that W would make from time to time and I loved. As a single guy who is not wanting to put back on the weight he lost I try to watch portion sizes and with my schedule I often only cook evening meals 2 nights a week. Breakfasts and lunches are pretty much the same each day. I have some cookbooks from when I was single about cooking for one. Perhaps when the winter settles in I'll start cooking more.

my answers to your questions that you asked yourself:
Will this have an impact on W? Probably not.
Will it drive her farther away? Not sure this is even possible.
Will it cause her to reconsider me as an option? Doubtful. She already knew everything you told her, before you told her.

I tend to agree with you. In hindsight this was probably more about me and releasing the need to talk to her and beg her to come home than in actually affecting her. I had sent her a text earlier in the day (the first since August) passing on a phone message and she responded immediately - as she did to the first text in this sequence. It made me perhaps subconsciously think that we might actually have a conversion. Even during our "good" times though we never had R talks. Whenever I would try she would loudly and aggressively change the subject. We'll have to learn how to have those talks if she ever does come back.

I'm proud of your progress... even though you did slip up, but we all do. It's time to get back on track and continue marching forward, as you have been.

Thanks so much dream. As I used to say at the beginning of this journey - and I hope you'll pardon the language - Chest Out, B@lls down and swinging

[job]

Andrew,

You've been a busy man this week. I always hated having to deal w/estate issues, but it's something you have to do, especially if you think the separation is going to lead to a divorce. Be sure to do a living will, if you haven't thought about it.

As for emailing/testing your wife, I know you felt that you had the need to do so. She knows that you love her very deeply and you don't need to remind her of that. The best thing that you can do right now is to let her go in a loving manner and only contact her if there is an emergency. She knows where you are and when she's ready, she'll contact you. When she does, be civil and kind to her. Listen to what she has to say and follow her lead. Compassion is the key when contact is made. As another pointed out, you don't want to come across as pursuing her. The more you pursue, the harder she's going to go the other way. I think you got her message loud and clear when she didn't respond back.

Andrew, it's one step forward, two steps back. We all learn to let go, let God (detaching), on our own time schedule. You'll get it as you continue on your own life's path.

BTW, you've got a lot of food in the house and won't have to do a lot of shopping any time soon. With winter coming, you'll have plenty of time to try new recipes and your son will enjoy them as well. Your cats just might get a nibble or two as well.

I want to encourage you to keep the focus on you and try not to be tempted to hit the send button again when thinking of contacting your wife. Trust me, she knows where you are and knows that you still love her...give her the time and space to figure things out. Okay? Trust the system, it does work.

Take care.

[AndrewP]

Be sure to do a living will, if you haven't thought about it.

My brothers will be getting "power of attorney" over both medical and financial decisions if I get incapacitated. I'll read up on "living wills" and make sure that my choices for end of life care are communicated - which is what I believe to be what a living will is (?)

Trust the system, it does work.

Take care.

Thanks job - your calming voice has kept me on the path before and I will try to trust the system - even if it's a system that I don't fully understand. Going back to some excellent advice that Jack_3_Beans gave me some time ago - I need to find fuel to throw on to power me to keep standing. Recent set-backs that caused me to doubt my own self-worth and suitability to be a partner for anyone have made finding that fuel difficult. I am working on finding the pride and confidence I had in myself again which was one of the better fuels in knowing that I am W's "ONE best choice". Perhaps I'll spend some time this weekend looking at old photo albums and remembering. Any other ideas that don't involve me getting arrested looking in W's window would be welcome