Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #5]

[Coly23]

Hey Gump, maybe this calm is good for you both. I can imagine in-house separation can be exhausting especially when you are watching each word or action. I say bask in this calmness even if there is a storm brewing. At least it will give you a chance to recharge your batteries to face whatever is to come....

[ForGump]

Thanks Sara/Coly-- your advice definitely resonates w/ me. I'm not sure whether I can hang in there. There is so much cheerleading in this forum to just keep running this marathon despite all the pain ... I'm not so sure I have what it takes. Everything advised here is so left-brain, so rational ... I have enough left-brain strength to do my work, which is all left-brain but ... there is just this animal right brain part of me that finds it excruciating to be so near my W yet keep my cool, to not desire, to not hurt. At times I just feel like I'm a shallow, hungry dog. Given all that she has done to the R and to me ... why do I find it so hard to sever my desire for her? What does she have to do, to make me simply be repulsed?

Even if I could get to a stage where I'm repulsed by who she is ... there is yet another huge mountain to climb over: to accept seeing my kids only 3.5 days out of the week.

[ForGump]

p.s. I think I have an OK amount of GAL going on... I do stuff outdoors, I have friends I meet up with, I play music, read for pleasure, I have home improvement projects ... but ... some weeks I slacken because I'm worn out from the work week. But your advice is a good reminder for me to pick up my pace, to recharge my batteries.

[albac]

Hi Gump,

Just thought I would check in and see how you are going. It seems you are still going through the motions and feeling down and out. Stay strong and it will get better. You know what Gump I am actually sick of saying the same things to people on this forum the same as they have all done for me in the past.

Let's face it the words of encouragement and people telling us that time makes things better brings very little comfort or relief when we are still in the midst of feeling down and out and that all is lost.

I wanted to share with you where I am at now, as we both began this journey around he same time and we're going through the same struggles with one major difference you were still living with your W.

It has now been almost 9 months since my W left and she has been in a "relationship" with OM for about 4 months now. Wow how time flies. Anyway over the last 9 months I have been brought to my knees more times then I count and truly has been the worst year of my life to date but there is an upside.

In the last 2 months since I finally dropped the rope and conceded she was gone and there was not a damn thing I could do about it I now feel so much better!
I sleep full nights now and rarely think about what my W is doing and truly do not want anything to do with her in her current state. Don't get me wrong I still very much love her and would love for her to realize what she has done and become a better person but I am at a point now in my life where I realize this change will take a long long time and may never come.

I am now ok with the fact she is off on her own journey finding what she wants in life and if that's not me then I am happy for her to find what works. I do not NEED or WANT someone that does not care about me. It me 9 months to corn to the point where I truly believe this and that deep gutted fear and want that I had for my marriage and my W is gone and I can see everything so much clearer.

The reason I am sharing this with you Gump is it is like a cliff. The changes weren't gradule over 9 months, it just got to a point where I was beat down so bad, then it all started to make more sense and I began to focus on me and my own life and how I don't want to waste another second of feeling sorry for myself.

I guess my point of all this. Time DOES heal. Things DO get better, if someone is stupid enough to to not want you, be smart enough to let them go. Because there will be someone out here who does want you for who you are and that is what I focus on and I feel the best I have in a long time. Again this doesn't mean I have given up on my W and that I don't love her, it just means I'm letting her find herself.

Stay strong buddy.

[Coly23]

Yep, feel the same. It doesn't matter how much support I get or how much support I offer others in the hope that I will convince myself everything will be ok, I still have this incredible pain in my heart and I miss my H so much.

It's been just five months since he moved out and I still cry everyday. Right now I would do anything to call him and sob down the phone about how much I miss him but I know it wont change anything. This really suc£s!

[ForGump]

A development.

But first -- Coly -- I admit, yet again, that I feel the same way. I have made some progress detaching, and convincing myself that I need to move on and find happiness apart from my W. Yet there is just some part of my heart muscle that just won't stop feeling the way it always did. It's especially hard because I see her every morning and evening.

This last week, there's been a noticeable warming in her demeanor towards me. Not perfectly consistent -- there are still shards of annoyance, and moments of averted eye contact, and she still definitely maintains a distance, but there have been more conversations, chit chat, and the distance has closed in a bit: now she can stand to sit 2-3 feet away from me whereas before, she couldn't really sit within 10 feet, except at family dinner, when she made sure she was not seated next to me.

It may be related to finding out last week that her Dad likely has cancer. It may be related to her realizing that trying to jump start a (paying) career is going to be very difficult. It may be related to her somehow getting over the initial anger towards me, and settling into a more calm, more rational determination to get a divorce. I just sense some soberness from her, along with the warmer demeanor.

Then earlier today, amid an exchange of messages about what our kids may or may not know, she says she'd like to talk later this week about "an idea" she has.

I'm guessing the idea has to do with financial, housing, and/or child custody dimensions of our divorce. I'm sure she still believes that getting out of this attraction-less marriage is the key to her happiness.

[Surfer]

Gump

Going through similar. WW seeming happpier then changes. Stop trying to read her. Just imagine it's something else cashing her mood swings. You don't need to know what - perhaps she saw a dead cat and it made her sad/cross. Perhaps it made her happpy. Stop trying to read her. If you try to read her you will follow her emotionally. Let all that go. Still means you care - but like a sister or a moody flat mate pay not mind, just think - ah there she is, looking moody/happy etc. Must have seen that dead cat again.

The idea will be something that fits her that she needs time to dress up as good for you. Pay no mind. She might even not have anything to say. For now. Pay no mind. It's certainly not very important or concrete as she would have raised it. She's prObably just going to tell you about that fecking cat!

It won't be better out of the M. It might be short term - there is short term relief from the 'pressure' for her. But long term she is still there (with 'her' problems) with an OM that is a cheat too.....just work on being super dad and forget about her as much a Humanly possible.

Take care. Keep going.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

When she was warming towards you was there anything you were doing consistently? Part of DBing is keeping a progress journal, if something is tried and there are results (good or bad) then keep track in a journal.

GAL is more about self care, if you're too tired to do any strenuous activities then pick an easy one, like reading. This is definitely a marathon, my WH has definitely tested my patience. The good news is I have learned to control my temper while DBing. This has been a useful skill to apply across the board, both with my children, family and friends. I have learned that just because I feel a certain way at the moment doesn't mean I have to react to it, it doesn't mean I have to make a decision at that very moment. Most importantly I have learned to keep my words soft because I may end up having to eat them. I have learned to put my ego and pride on the back burner and ask myself what my end goal looks like.

My goal is to have a loving, nurturing, respectful marriage. What does this look like to me? It means disagreement without arguing or insulting each other, without screaming. It means letting go of who did the dishes last or the most. It means prioritizing my family over my list of to-do stuff. It is a huge amount of self work. I have spent the last few days apologizing to my WH for my hardness and obstinacy. Instead of him smugly smiling and accepting my apologies it has resulted in him becoming remorseful and telling me how much he regrets the pain he has caused me with his affair. It was not what I expected. And keep in mind my marriage may still be over, but at least we can talk and interact like friends again.

A big part of the problem was I had a mental picture of what he was SUPPOSED to do to make it up to me. But I never pictured the behavior I needed to show to make my WH feel safe and loved so he could finally face the demon of his actions. How can he give me 100% transparency if I am ready to jump on every slip? Anyways...I sort of thread jacked, huh? Keep on keepin' on, if you feel like quitting and divorcing, then wait a few weeks and revisit the thought. In the meantime care gently for yourself, you're a great guy.

[Surfer]

PsySara

This all sounds really positive. The 180 - not jumping on everything. Apologising rather than waiting for a vision he can't see so can't deliver.

I am going to think about some emulation of this.

I want to hear more of your approach working.

Keep it up.

Surfer.

[ForGump]

Sara

I really wonder if I could have hung on for as long as you have, if I were in your shoes. The PA w/ OW would have just torn me apart to shreds, and I would have wanted to run away a million miles away from my spouse.

What I was doing consistently in the last couple of weeks is just being more of myself towards her. Earlier, I think I was colder towards her as a part of my attempt to detach and 180 -- to be less of a parent figure, to be less of a giving person in the relationship. I'm by nature a fixer, a let's-get-it-done person. I don't like to sit around.

Anyway, I have no idea if the recent warming was due to me, or due to something going on within my W's own journey. I just felt better being more me, rather than trying to DB in a calculating way.

And, I don't know if the warmer vibes really signify anything. Actually, I'm quite certain it doesn't mean all that much. It probably just means she'll be more amicable in seeking a divorce.

See, the fundamental problem in our marriage is BPD. I believe she originally fell in love with me incredibly intensely because of her dysregulated emotions. I was, for that short duration, just perfect in her eyes. But soon after we married, reality intruded into our marriage and it's been rough since. I think she repressed her discontentment for a long time, but when she had her delusional affair, though the affair itself failed, she realized she can't do it no more. This type of disillusionment with marriage and your spouse can and does happen with mentally healthy people, but the intensity of emotions at every juncture would be far less intense; they would not have a delusional relationship with a lover; they would have a more rational approach to building a happy life; and they would be less likely to fall into substance abuse.

I'm not trying to mind read my W. I'm not spinning my wheels trying to second guess. Sure, the recent development is on my mind. But it's not drowning my thoughts. I'm not changing what I'm doing. I'm just trying to take care of myself, and take care of my kids.

Doesn't mean there isn't heartbreak. The whole damn thing tears at me every day when I look at my kids. It's a bad dream.