Taking the first step...

[Altair]

Coly,
I feel the same. I don't have that much hope for him to come back. There were just little things that were said that make me think so. I could be wrong. These days I feel like a sympathetic ear and the second a hot woman comes along he'll come out of his funk real fast and turn on the old him. But, I'll DB, seems like a good way to improve myself.

[ForGump]

Coly

Ah, so here's where you ran off to.

It's not your fault, and it wasn't my fault, that our mutual spouses ran off but ... we sure can spend a lot of time second guessing ourselves .... I think there is some danger in DB in that it can make you feel like it's all a matter of us doing just the right thing when ... really ... quite often it's all about some emotional/mental/philosophical journey that our spouses have to go through.

BTW, some time ago I mentioned in your thread that I was a step father. I want to clarify that I didn't say to be defensive. I believe that your WH did love your D and meant all he said to her -- and I hold him to the exact same standard as if he was the biological father. And, if he steps up to that, I believe he did and will enjoy a rich, loving father-daughter relationship with your D.

Rock on, Coly... Cry if you have to, but laugh when you can, too

[Coly23]

Hi All sorry been MIA again. Just finding these days I'm going back into a bit of a funk again.

Altair, why don't you be the hot girl instead!

Gump - welcome! Sorry I slipped past everyone and came over here. I don't even know for sure if H is having a MLC but I think he is having some sort of crisis. Yes you are right H loves D like she was his own daughter but at the moment she has slipped back into anger mode and rearly doesn't want anything to do with him. I am sad about this but I have to let them fight their own battles.

Journaling - I've been dark for nearly four weeks now and not a peep from H. It feels like he has just forgotten about me :0(. It's his birthday next week and I was thinking of sending him a card but then I collapsed in a heap of tears when I realised I dont know where he lives! Should I send him a card (to his parents) or just a text on his birthday? He sent me a card for mine but he knows where I live. IDK, I feel so lost at the moment....

[Altair]

Ah, Coly.
OK. How about a birthday text? I defer to the vets on this one. I, too, didn't know H's address. Bone crushing. Bank asked me, as we split up accounts. Of course, he was like, "Why do you need it?" (probably wondering if I was going to serve him papers).
Let's do this Coly! Dig deep into GAL selves.

[Coly23]

Altair, how goes it with you?

It is bone crushing, heart wrenching., stomach churning... Need I go on! These people who we have trusted with our inner most secrets and thoughts now don't trust us enough to know where they live. I just don't get it! I'll send a text I think, that's probably best. D is adamant we shouldn't even send him a text but I don't want to not acknowledge his birthday at all.

I went go the gym today and it took all my strength to get out of the car and go in. I just wanted to go home and cry. Going to my older Sister's for a girls night tonight. I have four sisters so should be fun! Still I desperately want to speak with H, do you think I should start turning the light switch up to bring him into the light soon or should I stay dark until he initiates? Maybe I should see what reaction the birthday text gets.... ?

I was having one of those desperate moments today which came from my fear of thinking I have blown all my chances especially with going dark and I really wanted to text him. I think my emotions are cycling a bit this week...

[job]

Coly,

Why not do a text message that is very nice, but simple such as "H, Happy Birthday! I hope you have a nice day!" and leave it at that. No mushy stuff, etc. There are no expectations of a response and who knows, he just might text back...but keep your expectations low.

Coly, your h hasn't forgotten you. How could he? You've been together for a while and the memories that you shared are in his heart, soul and mind. He may give the impression that he's forgotten you, but he hasn't. Let me give you an example. My xh left in December 1999 and I met up w/him in November 2005, the day after Thanksgiving. He mentioned that he thought I would be out doing holiday shopping since that's what I use to do when he was w/me. I said no, I do my shopping now at different times. See? They do not forget.

Hang in there. I know it's tough not hearing from him...but you will when he's ready.

[Rose888]

I agree with Job's suggested birthday text. Short, casual, nothing that hints at any deep feeling.

[Coly23]

Thank you Job and Rose, a birthday text message it is then!

Job - I guess I am getting the 'Going Dark Jitters'! I keep thinking that I am making it easier for him to get over me but I guess if he really wants to be with me then he will contact me. I know I need to be patient but to go this long without any contact is very strange and hard but I know the alternative is seeing him and getting upset every time he goes back to his flat.

Next it will be D's birthday and then Christmas.... One day at a time....

[job]

It's one day at a time. I do understand the going dark jitters, but right now, his mind is on his internal pain and finding some relief from it. If and when he contacts you, be civil and upbeat. Treat him as you would a friend that's been out of touch for quite some time.

[Coly23]

I know your right Job, my head agrees with you but my heart is rebelling and I'm having trouble controlling it.

My thoughts are all over the place today.

Is he enjoying himself?

Is there in fact an OW and she knows everything about me/our marriage?

If there is OW is he saying the same things to her that he said to me at the beginning?

Is he writing her the same letters/cards about his love for her?

Is the reason he has left so much of his stuff behind because he is too lazy or worried about having to face me again?

Will i receive D papers out of the blue?

Is he thinking of me?

To make it worse I had text trigger finger this morning! It hovered over my iphone ready to send a 'how's it going'? text. Aargh I'm being really stupid now because I know it won't help but I'm struggling to make sense of anything at the moment!!!