Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #5]

[ForGump]

p.s. PsySara -- yes, I'll marry you!

[CT1118]

CT --

I feel pretty good about myself. I feel pretty good about moving on -- at least for myself. I am, as I keep lamenting here, very sad for my kids. Being here in this forum has helped me through some rough times, and has helped me find some direction in these hard times. Having a decent IC helped a lot. And time heals. Something happens, as you see your W behave the way she does, day after day, week after week, month after month. Over time, I have come to see and feel, that the D isn't about me. It's about her. Sure, yes, it's also an opportunity for me to own up to my failures in the marriage, as every partner has failures in a marriage, and it's an opportunity for me to make myself better. I believe I'm doing that.

I'm not done hurting, but I'm able to see that there is goodness beyond the hurt, after the hurt.

Thanks for your friendship.

That is the type of answer I was hoping for buddy. I do not always read what you write to understand things like you outlined above. Good job. And, not sure many of us here are done hurting.

Did you read that small article?

[ForGump]

CT-- yes, I did read the article, and it's a good reminder to keep becoming aware of the water we're in.

I think for most of us here ... DB and D itself really depends on the spouse, and their journey. While we can do a lot to maximize the odds that the spouse will see the lighthouse, it is really their ship that will either hold water or not.

Some spouses have very deep seated issues to work through: whether it's midlife crisis, personality disorders (e.g., BPD, narcissism), mental illness (e.g., depression, anxiety, bipolar), developmental issues (I'm thinking of all the WS's out there acting like teenagers), confusion about sexual orientation, or just plain selfishness. In those cases, the DB-ing partner can DB til the cows come home -- whether using the warmer, gentler approach encouraged by MWD's staff, or the more command/respect/boundaries-based approach encouraged by Sandi -- and the outcome is still 99% dependent on the journey taken by the spouse.

As the initial pain of the D softens, I think many of us see the landscape as it truly is. It helps us let go of that which we cannot control. It helps us see where we need to go. It helps us see the hills ahead, and the valleys thereafter.

[PacLove]

I think for most of us here ... DB and D itself really depends on the spouse, and their journey. While we can do a lot to maximize the odds that the spouse will see the lighthouse, it is really their ship that will either hold water or not.

Some spouses have very deep seated issues to work through: whether it's midlife crisis, personality disorders (e.g., BPD, narcissism), mental illness (e.g., depression, anxiety, bipolar), developmental issues (I'm thinking of all the WS's out there acting like teenagers), confusion about sexual orientation, or just plain selfishness. In those cases, the DB-ing partner can DB til the cows come home -- whether using the warmer, gentler approach encouraged by MWD's staff, or the more command/respect/boundaries-based approach encouraged by Sandi -- and the outcome is still 99% dependent on the journey taken by the spouse.

FG this is so true... our S are really on their own journey and we have very little influence in the outcome other than being the best us we can be.

I think the harder approach that Sandi advocates could potentially accelerate their decision but at the same time has the propensity to backfire whereas the more gentler approach gives them more latitude and freedom to find themselves but at the same time risks our own ability to stand up for ourselves and draw healthy boundaries that are important through separation and if one is to reconcile.

[ForGump]

A strange silence. Calm before the storm? Maybe.

A gift of time. But it doesn't quite feel like a gift.

I'm not as strong as my statements.

I think the truth is always quiet, it doesn't have to speak.

[PsySara]

I found the hard approach backfired horribly in my case. When I used the softer, more kind approach I got the results I wanted. Of course I ended up falling back on the hard approach recently and my WH went from considering staying vs. leaving to straight up wanting to file for divorce on his own.

[ForGump]

Sara-- I never quite figured out which is better, the warm approach vs. no-more-cake-eating approach. They say do what works, but sometimes you can't tell what works, and what might seem like working for a few days doesn't mean it's working in the long run. So we all wrestle with just-not-knowing.

Journaling: a strange calm has settled into my relationship -- no, I'm not going to call it that -- into my routine w/ my W. An ever so slight increase in warmth. Likely nothing. I'm still tired of DB-ing. I'm just trying to accept the D, and just enjoy my time w/ my kids every single day, before it gets chopped in half by the D.

[lt0402]

FG, as you know I'm in a similar sort of odd calm as well. It's almost like W and I have accepted the inevitable and we're just going through the motions now. My brain tells me I should be sad about that, but inside I just kind of feel empty right now.

I find myself wondering if we're just going through exhaustion at this point. Wondering if, bc of the months of stress, this has just become our norm and our body and minds have completely adjusted to it. Not to dissimilar to how I'd envision a prisoner gets used to the routine of being in jail (aka in house separation).

End of the day though, it's about consistency. Do what you know to be the right thing to do, regardless of how it affects the W. Part of getting ourselves back.

Keep spending that time w/ the kids and keep strong for their sake brother. You're doing a great job of that!

[ForGump]

I'm certainly exhausted. There is some part of my brain that just says, enough. I still feel so much hurt, desire and hope in my guts ... yet when those feelings well up, my brain just seems to push it away, saying enough, just put one foot in front of the other.

So yeah, all those feelings are still there, and I imagine it will take years to fade. You bury a corpse six feet under, and it rots over decades.

[PsySara]

This is where getting a life is so important. I was watching the videos and MWD said the GAL is so you can recharge your batteries during this marathon. Put yourself out there, get in contact with some friends from your high school/college days. What did you do for hobbies before marrying? Do you participate in a sport? Golf, foot ball, soccer or some other testosterone thing?

Brother, it's not over until YOU say it is. You're fatigued and that's ok. You can fight another day. In the meantime surround yourself with love and joy. Even if the D goes through it's not over until you say it is.