Taking the first step...

[Coly23]

Journaling - had quite a nice evening. D and I went tho a college open evening as D will be going to college next September. Although D was less than enthusiastic about giving up precious friend time we managed to find some courses that she would be interested in doing so all in all quite successful. We also had dinner out which is very unusual for mid week!

During dinner we chatted about H. D revealed that she is still very angry with him. He called her yesterday and she let it go to voicemail. I told D that I was worried that she is confusing the breakdown of my relationship with H as being the breakdown of her relationship with him to. She said she understands that but at the moment she feels that him not giving our marriage a chance means he has not thought about how the break up would affect her. It makes me sad but I am not going to try and fix it at she is old enough to make up her own mind.

Still no contact for me from H. I think I realise that he really doesn't like me very much at the moment. This going dark thing is really hard but I don't really have anything much to say to him at the moment so every time I feel weak and I want to contact him I ask myself what is it that I want to talk to him about apart from our R and there really isn't anything.

I keep reading that I should trust the process but I am starting to feel very despondent.... I guess if someone has really shut the door on your marriage there is not much you can do about it... :0(

[job]

Coly,

You are really very new to all of this. A year or two is a very short time period to be dealing w/MLC. Yes, you do need to trust the process. Are you looking for signs that he's coming out of the crisis? If so, I hate to break it to you, but it's not going to happen any time soon. It takes years for them to process stuff. That being said, doesn't mean that they aren't working on their issues internally. Just because you don't see any changes at the moment, doesn't mean that things aren't happening within him.

Have faith, dig deeper for patience and most importantly...keep the focus on you and your family. Leave your h in God's hands.

[Coly23]

Thank you Job, I guess I just need to stop taking things so personally if H is going through a crisis.

I hope he will understand that my lack of contact with him is because I am respecting his wishes for space and time on his own and not because I don't want anything to do with him anymore. This is tough....

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - I had / have similar concerns in my own sitch. In my case my W left asking for space and in the few contacts I had with her I told her that I was giving her the space she was asking for.

We can both just hope that they will remember that as they work through their own issues.

I do truly believe especially in my own case that pushing myself into my W's world would do more harm than good. I am confident that she knows that I am here for her if she wants to return and I would hope that your H knows the same thing. If I recall your thread correctly he was clear when he left that it was his own choice and that you didn't want him to go.

It is indeed depressing for us as the LBS to know that they are on a journey without us and that there is nothing that we can do that would not potentially backfire or perhaps worse, pull them out too early and have to go through it all over again.

Sending you a hug ....

[Coly23]

Hey Andrew, I agree I don't think hanging around with my H at the moment would be a good idea either that's why I knocked family time on the head. He made the decision that he didn't want to be in our marriage any more even though I begged him to give us another chance so he knows I am open to reconciliation. I guess it's just those little doubt gremlins that invade my thoughts every now and again and stomp all over my hope!

It's very depressing that we absolutely no say in the decisions they made. I hope they start to realise soon what they are losing before it's too late...

Hugs right back at ya!

[Altair]

Hugs Coly!!!

[Coly23]

Oh thanks Altaur, hugs to you too! How's it going in your sitch lately?

Journaling - I had another IC session today. I think she's trying to make me accept that the reasons why H left isn't all my fault. I just keep taking the blame for it all when in fact he hasn't blamed me for anything. All he has said is that he doesn't love me anymore, however I obviously realise that I have contributed to the breakdown but without any specifics I'm just guessing. I think I just need to work on whatever I believe is wrong with me.

I always feel,so exhausted after an IC session mainly because I cry so much! I think it all felt very raw for me today after my evening with D yesterday. I just kept thinking that H should be at my side looking at colleges for D. It's just so sad that he is going to miss so much of her growing up. She's got her first boyfriend now as well. :0)

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
My IC is doing the same. Saying things like, look, you're not there and he's going to or is discovering that all of his unhappiness and problems have followed him, because they are within him. So let him suffer right now, because you can't fix him. She thinks this is a good time period, because H is discovering all sorts of stuff (or not) and obviously, focusing on self now is great. I would think this exactly applies to your sitch as well.
I'd *try* not to worry too much about your D- she has a bf, etc, sounds like she is doing well.
Thread hijacking: things are as weird as ever. Zero R talk. we instant message -- he sends funny videos and/or complains about job. He is taking me to the airport tonight (he offered). It's the twilight zone when I see the alien replicant. The alien replicant as of late comes 'round approximately once a week for a tiny bit, hugs me when leaving (but it feels empty, like I'm hugging a bunch of plastic and wires). My IC says he's in a terrible amount of pain and he's taking me to the airport because he needs to, it's for him. I have in the back of my head I'm being tested. Do you, Coly? I don't know which way is up or down. I still wonder if he's seeing anyone else/looking. In DB land, I'm doing great, because I'm being friends with H. Wish I knew what this all meant. Like you, yes, living in the "I don't love you anymore" state-- well, that's what he said many moons ago.

[Coly23]

It's so painful isn't it Altair. All this dancing around the issue with the elephant in the room. I do think you are starting to gain his trust again slowly because his interactions with you are more frequent and also the fact that he is sending funny videos to you makes me think that it isn't all doom and gloom. is there any way you can subtly take the ficus off his work when you see/speak to him?

If he is testing you i don't think it is intentional. I can't remember who it was on here (maybe Cadet) who used the analogy of H being like a frightened little bird and you have to be very patient and gentle with him to gain his trust so he will eventually eat out of your hand. Quits cute really!

In my heart I feel that H has really closed the door on our marriage. I don't know if it is the NC thing that is making me feel like this but he has made absolutely no effort at all to contact me. I keep thinking he is glad to be rid of me so I'm actually making it easy and giving him what he wants. Rubbish!

[Coly23]

*focus! Stupid autocorrect!!!