Piecing. Can I make this work?

[trumpet]

LiM,

Forgiving him doesn't mean you have to ever go back.

From your recollection of events, you were assaulted. More than once. I would never see him again, or if he's in the same room, I would want others around.

This is for your personal safety.

This would also mean protecting your family. I wouldn't want my kids to see this type of person in their life, thinking it's allowed, or 'normal'.

The sticky widget is that it's your FIL.

Your wife will need to tell you how she feels about this. I think this needs to be talked about in a MC session, and have the counselor show wife how out of control/unacceptable her father's behavior was. You saying it won't work, unless she has already expressed that.

Just the thoughts on the top of my head.

Remember, if you did ANYTHING to contribute, please own up to it, and when people ask, be the bigger man, and apologize for your contributions.

That story is absolutely nuts.

[LiM]

Remember, if you did ANYTHING to contribute, please own up to it, and when people ask, be the bigger man, and apologize for your contributions.

That story is absolutely nuts.

If this had occurred with the "old" LiM, I certainly could have been responsible for aggravating the situation. But "new" LiM doesn't do that. I did nothing more than what I described. I'm still willing to apologize if he felt I (or my kids) had been disrespectful to his home or property but we have never allowed our kids to run wild in their home and have never bee unappreciative of their hospitality. This is squarely on him.

I imagine my W and I will discuss this in MC. Last night, my W did tell me that the "ball is NOT in OUR court" meaning that there is nothing for us to do at this point. It is up to her father to take steps repair this situation. I was encouraged to hear her use the word "OUR" because it makes me feel like she has my back. I wish should would express stronger support for me but I'll take what I can get.

[LiM]

I have some good progress to report on this new insanity with my FIL. It has been very quite from my W's side of the family and it was very unnerving to me. And my W wasn't saying much about it at all. I knew she has been in contact with her siblings and mother but no one was saying much to me so of course, my mind was running wild with every dooms day scenario imaginable.
Apparently my brother in law confronted my FIL on Monday and really laid in to him about his behavior. I guess there had been some other unacceptable behavior; nothing like what happened to with me, but unacceptable none the less. So my BIL let him have it.
Yesterday, my MIL texted my W and told her that my FIL would be receptive if my W were to reach out by text. She did and he asked her to call him so she did. He basically told my W that there was "no excuse for what he did."

I still haven't heard from my FIL or received an apology but I'm feeling much better about things now. I'm sure he's horribly embarrassed about what he did and he needs time to figure out how to approach me and what he needs to say. I'm feeling much more confident that he will do what is needed to make amends.

[trumpet]

LiM,

Making amends is one thing - getting over the triggers and emotional baggage, another thing.

I would expect you not having any wants to see him for a while. He needs to see repercussions of actions, even if he makes amends. I would be scared to ever go back.

This is a test. Your wife is watching. You are probably making gigantic deposits into her emotional bank. You passed the test. There will be more. But man, you might have pulled the slot and hit the jackpot in regards to building emotional/relational currency with her.

[LiM]

LiM,

Making amends is one thing - getting over the triggers and emotional baggage, another thing.

I would expect you not having any wants to see him for a while. He needs to see repercussions of actions, even if he makes amends. I would be scared to ever go back.

This is a test. Your wife is watching. You are probably making gigantic deposits into her emotional bank. You passed the test. There will be more. But man, you might have pulled the slot and hit the jackpot in regards to building emotional/relational currency with her.

I'm actually ok with what happened so long as my FIL is truly remorseful. I don't want or need some long, drawn out apology either. A sincere "I'm sorry" is all I need.

I'm actually quite proud of myself in how I dealt with the situation while it was happening and in my behavior since. I'm hoping that my W does see that the old me is truly dead and that she will be blown away by the person I now am. I'm hoping that does fill her love bank and make her proud to be my W. I've still felt a sense of reservation in her during this piecing process. Maybe this will help her to trust me more as I learn to trust her again as well.

[Coconut]

LIM,

I'm guessing that you are bigger and/or stronger than your FIL and that's why you didn't have to remove him from you yourself. Your inaction towards him will speak volumes with your family. You said you've had a great R with him for twenty years, if that's the case, and if you want him in your life, I wouldn't avoid him as so many are suggesting.

Maybe it's just me, but guys will be guys at times, he obviously was very angry, and for whatever reason you were his outlet, and guys sometimes react to anger with physical altercation. If you've had a good R with him, it's unlikely that this one altercation will change the over all R.

I say this from my experience with physical altercations with some good friends over the years. They were minor for the most part, a grab of the neck, a shove or two and push up against a wall. None of those R were damaged from these altercations, a good man to man talk to say our piece and move on from there.

If it happened a second time, then it would be a much bigger issue. I think a call to invite him for a beer in a week or two would be ok, lay out your boundary clearly letting him know you will not allow your kids to be around someone who acts like that, but that you love him and your R with him and you would like to continue that. 20 year R is a lot to end over what you describe.

[LiM]

I agree, I'm not willing to throw away our entire history over this one event. I'm not really concerned it could happen again. It doesn't excuse his behavior but I think there are some things going on in his life and we've also learned that he's recently started testosterone replacement therapy. That certainly could have had something to do with it.
I'm thinking of sending him a text message today to say "FIL, I hate what happened between us but I want you to know that I love you and that you are a very important person in my life." That lets him know that I am open to talking to him and repairing our relationship without me excusing his behavior.

[doodler]

LiM,

Nix the text message and go talk to him in person. You know, a beer and some guy talk. Tell him he was a bit scary at first, but then you thought you'd have to kick his old @ss. You'll both be laughing about it and it'll all be over.

[LiM]

They live 5 hours away and right now they are at their "summer" cabin that is 9 hours away. My life is incredibly busy right now with work and family obligations. It would be really hard for me to drive all that way

[doodler]

They live 5 hours away and right now they are at their "summer" cabin that is 9 hours away. My life is incredibly busy right now with work and family obligations. It would be really hard for me to drive all that way

Ok then, you call him and say, "You know, for an old guy you can be a scary mother f*cker..." Be sure to invite him over for beer and BBQ in the near future and tell him to leave the roids at home. It'll be good. Then you can put a nail in it and call it done.