I think my wife is in MLC and it seems hopeless

[SBJ]

We have been together for 25 years and married for 22. 20 years ago we were working in separate cities and kind of living like singles...I partied with friends and she admitted to an affair. We reconciled and then a year later we had my oldest. We have since had 2 other children and countless pets. We have the picture perfect marriage...on the outside. We just have differences of opinions as to our intimacy. I have always been Hyper-sexual and she has always, been Hypo-sexual...at least since we had kids.

Now I have a college student, a high schooler, and a elementary aged child.

The last 3 months have been a roller coaster. She started by saying that she doesn't feel that our marriage is the way it should be. She says that she feels like we are roommates and best friends, but that she doesn't feel that we have an intimate relationship. We went on a trip with some long time friends of mine and their wives and my wife said that their wives treated them differently than she does me. She went to a convention for high school students with my daughter and said that their explanation of how marriage and relationships should be didn't define ours. She has always been not very physical sexually, but now says that she wants and needs that desire, but she just doesn't want it from me.

Our counselor told me to stop calling and texting her 2 months ago, so I wait until she calls or texts me...hard since we used to do that alot.

We are still in the same house. We still sleep in the same bed. She and the counselor have set physical boundaries for me...I cannot touch her. Our only physical contact is holding hands during the Our Father at church...I can't wait each week.

6 years ago, she had a female surgery that had a 50/50 shot of sex either being good or painful...we got the painful. She would bare with it once a month for me, but that created some resentment. Sex isn't painful any longer, but she still seems to resent me and has no desire for me.

She began to work out this year and is even more smokin' hot than before...abs and all. We were working out and eating better this year and seemed, at least to me to heading in a great path. She is a rock solid 110# and I have lost 35#'s this year and am feeling better physically than I have since high school. Not bad for almost 46.

We both work for her families business...separate locations, but same company.

Hobbies...I do scouting stuff with my boys, play golf, hunt and fish, but not on a weekly basis. Our lives have been wrapped around our kids for the last 19 years. She and I attend different gyms, but I have not been able to go and enjoy it for a little while. I try and run 4-5 days a week, but I have not really been able to enjoy it. I am training for a Tough Mudder next year with a group of high school buddies...should be a blast.

Enter the EA with a relatively new family friend...April-July '16. July is also when she shut the door to me. This bastard is a mind fu@&*ing piece of $#!^. I have grown to despise him, but I feel I let the wolf into the hen house.

I have decided that no matter what has transpired, I will have the ability to forgive her. My problem is that it seems that she is getting more angry at me daily, because I am not giving in to the fact that she wants out. I am usually the guy that gives her what she asks for, but this is actually something that is worth fighting for...and it is pissing her off.

I'm the kind of guy that will give into things if they really don't make a difference to me or my life, but I'll be damned if I will be pushed around if something is super important. I take my marriage vows seriously. For better or worse...and right now it feels like we are in the storm of our lives.

[SBJ]

The one thing that I've taken from reading the posts is how the one going thru the crisis re-writes history to fit their agenda. I'm not saying that I'm the best H in the world, but I'm not chopped liver either. I'm an early rise and require less sleep than she does, so I'm always the one that gets our kids up for school and get's their lunches ready. I'm the one that brings my W coffee in bed to get her up. She and I trade household chores...she does the laundry, I grocery shop and cook (most of the time), she cleans the kitchen, I'm the one that tucks the kids into bed at night, and most of the time I tuck her into bed also.

Maybe I've bent over backwards too much in taking care of her and ignored my hopes, dreams, and needs. I don't have answers as of yet, but I just don't want to get to a place where I get upset and bitter at her. In her way of thinking we can divorce and still be good friends...I don't work that way. I'm either all in or all out.

[ericmsant2]

SBJ

We just have differences of opinions as to our intimacy. I have always been Hyper-sexual and she has always, been Hypo-sexual...at least since we had kids.

Believe it or not – the difference is appetite is more common than you think. A lot of couple struggle with it. It can be addressed though – if both people find a happy medium.

She says that she feels like we are roommates and best friends, but that she doesn't feel that we have an intimate relationship.

Do you know what she values when she says “intimate”? I suspect that what she feels is intimate may not be what you think it is.


I am going to reach out to a poster that I know – his name is ForeverYoung. I would like you to read his story. I think you may see some similarities.

Enter the EA with a relatively new family friend...April-July '16. July is also when she shut the door to me. This bastard is a mind fu@&*ing piece of $#!^. I have grown to despise him, but I feel I let the wolf into the hen house.

I get being pissed off with the dude. Right now though….let focus on making YOU the better option.

First you need to read the homework stuff that was posted on your thread. Have you?

Second – do me a favor and write down 10 goals for YOURSELF that you have. Things that can be done over the next six months.


Third – do not push her right now.

My problem is that it seems that she is getting more angry at me daily, because I am not giving in to the fact that she wants out.

When, how, what exactly happens that she angry at?

I'm not saying that I'm the best H in the world, but I'm not chopped liver either.

What are the things that are not “the best H” about you?

but I just don't want to get to a place where I get upset and bitter at her.

Remember this ^^^^^ and CHOOSE it.

[2Lady]

I have decided that no matter what has transpired, I will have the ability to forgive her. My problem is that it seems that she is getting more angry at me daily, because I am not giving in to the fact that she wants out. I am usually the guy that gives her what she asks for, but this is actually something that is worth fighting for...and it is pissing her off.

I'm the kind of guy that will give into things if they really don't make a difference to me or my life, but I'll be damned if I will be pushed around if something is super important. I take my marriage vows seriously. For better or worse...and right now it feels like we are in the storm of our lives.

Turn it around. If you didn't fight for your marriage, and you gave her what she "thinks" she wants, then would you have any chance of saving it? If somewhere down the line she changes her own opinion about the marriage, she's more likely to come back if she knows you wanted to save it than if you had given up, as she would think you gave up because YOU wanted to give up, not because it was what she wanted. And remember, she always has the right to leave you, so why is she expecting you to do it? I often feel my husband says, You can have a divorce if you want to have one in order to hear me say I don't want one. No matter how angry he seems at the time.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi SBJ, our buddy eric sent me here. I'm so sorry to hear your story... OUCH! A while back I was where you are now, so I know how tough it can be!

I have a tender spot in my heart for all the successful 20+ year relationships. No way anyone makes it that long unless they had something good going on. Definitely worth some time and effort to save and remake, right? Are you in this for the long haul?

Sorry if I missed it, but have you read DR yet? That's where you need to start.

Also, if things were good all those years until recently, in my opinion that almost points straight to MLC. More homework for you!

It sounds like you came here early in your sitch, so that's good.

Please don't pressure your W. The best shot you have with her now is letting her go. I actually told my W (while she was crying about how she wanted out of our "failed" M) that if she wanted a D I would give it to her... that was over 4 years ago and we're both still here! (and doing pretty darn good if I say so myself)

But I'm not gonna lie, there was a lot of painful moments in there. But if I can do it I know others can too.

I don't have answers as of yet, but I just don't want to get to a place where I get upset and bitter at her. In her way of thinking we can divorce and still be good friends...I don't work that way. I'm either all in or all out.

Yeah, my W's plan was to D and be best friends too. And find "True Passion" (with someone else) for once in her life. Ugh. It's quite common to hear these things and more, like this:

At bomb drop my wife told me she "knew" back on our wedding night that she made a mistake marrying me!

Yet she stayed around for 28 years (at that time) with few complaints? *scratches head* Sorry, but I called rewriting history on that one!

Here's the thing: "The place you get to" is totally up to you. This is your opportunity do be a new you and do new things. The best thing you can do for youself, your wife, and believe it or not your M, is to relax and give her time and space.

Are you off moderation yet? Keep posting, buddy.

[ForeverYoung]

Turn it around. If you didn't fight for your marriage, and you gave her what she "thinks" she wants, then would you have any chance of saving it? If somewhere down the line she changes her own opinion about the marriage, she's more likely to come back if she knows you wanted to save it than if you had given up, as she would think you gave up because YOU wanted to give up, not because it was what she wanted. And remember, she always has the right to leave you, so why is she expecting you to do it? I often feel my husband says, You can have a divorce if you want to have one in order to hear me say I don't want one. No matter how angry he seems at the time.

Hi 2Lady! The problem is the harder we try to pull them back into the M, the more they want out. We can and should let them know that it's not what we want, but if they want out they're free to go. Applying any pressure to stay is counter productive. Yes, we do "fight for our marriage" but we do so by following the DB plan.

[2Lady]

I get what you are saying. Except with my husband, it works the other way around. He says he wants a divorce or offers me one when he thinks I actually want one or thinks he can't make me happy, and what he really wants at that time is for me to talk him out of it or make him feel I am ok with everything. It's as if telling me he wants a divorce is his way of pulling ME back to him because he knows I will always try to talk him out of it.

While that may not be the case for all I think it may apply to others that they simply offer a divorce because they don't want to hurt you, not because they really want a divorce. You have to be the judge of your own situation to know what they really want to hear and whether they want a divorce or they just want to feel they can get through whatever they are going through without losing you.

[2Lady]

Just to add, if my husband wants to divorce me, he can. While the actually legal procedures take longer, under Islamic law a divorce counts as a divorce just by declaring it. It can be undone simply by taking the other person back without any formal procedures, but that still counts as a divorce. He actually divorced me once many years ago. It was some silly fight we had while eating lunch one day. Honestly I don't even remember what we fought about but he took me back the next morning. It was that small.

But it's not so small because you can only have 3 divorces and then if you want to undo them, the wife has to marry another man before you can remarry. I have told him if he does number 2, that's it, even we want to get back together I won't, because I cannot live with the uncertainty of being divorced a 3rd and final time in the heat of the moment and having no way to undo what is done. And he is more likely to do it in the heat of the moment if I even suggest to him that it is ok for him to do it if he wants. Putting my foot down puts the brakes on with him and that is what we need.

[roist]

Next month I am 21 years with my W. No M is perfect but people don't just stay together for over two decades, without some kind of bond. That bond still exists, but W has hidden it deep down. She may not feel it or even believe it is still there, but it is. Remember that.

This is just a phase and the only way out is by going through it. No shortcuts. No one knows how long this will take, but prepare yourself for it being llllooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggggg.

You need to really decide to fight, for it is a battle that will take all you have and then some more. We really are capable of digging deeper than we ever thought possible.

Many people are determined to fight for their M. That is half the battle,but how you fight is more important.This site is a great tool based on solid advice from a learned writer.

Best wishes.

[SBJ]

I actually just got back from an appointment with our MC...no matter how hard the MC tried to direct my wife into saying she was willing to try and work on our marriage...it didn't happen.

She actually said she has an appt on Thurs with an attorney just to ask information. She said that there was not way that she would ever have intimate feelings towards me again and that she never has. What a stab to the heart.

She told the MC that she doesn't see us being married in 6 months. Kind of harsh when your spouse is right next to you. I feel that she is in denial as to how difficult divorce will be...on everyone and everything involved. It's like she is not living in reality.

I ordered the DR today and should have it soon...I also signed up with the DB Coaching and had my first consultation last night. I was able to use one thing during my meeting today...I told my wife that "I do not believe that divorce is the solution to our problems, however I love you and respect you enough if that is what you choose." That was the hardest thing for me to ever say. I love my wife and would never leave her or my children...for anything.

She says that we have been best friends and have raised 3 wonderful kids...but that she feels no passion for me. She is looking for something out side of our marriage that I feel she could find with the one she already has.

We are not being physical in any way...no touching. That is a killer for me as I am a touchy guy (no pun intended). She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but she is losing that attractions due to the conflict we are going thru.

We have both been on a health kick since the beginning of the year, but I have slid a bit over the last 3 months...the motivation has been difficult to find. I will get myself back to the gym and continue what I started. I went from 224 to 195 so far...10# to go for my goal.

I love my wife, but the fact that she thinks that I could be friends with her after she divorces me is insane. I am either all in or all out. There is no in between. For the kids sake I hope to be able to keep myself in check during this process.

I'm not sure if it is a MLC or a WW, but I do know that the woman that I share my house with, isn't my wife at this time.