Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

Well, we almost made it through the weekend without anything negative happening . . .

W wanted to take validating friend out to brunch Sunday AM for validating friend's birthday. I told her I'd be happy to watch the kids and that she should have a good time. She said thanks and that she'd be back "in an hour or so". She comes home 2.5 hours later, no call or text to say she's running late. I'm pretty pissy when she shows up. Tell her she should have at least texted. She says she didn't know she'd be keep us from doing anything by being gone. I said she wouldn't have and didn't, but it was just a matter of common courtesy. I told her that she certainly would have let, say, validating friend or her parents or pretty much anyone else know she was running behind, and that I'd simply like to be treated similarly. She got angry and was escalating, and I told her to stop, that I'd said what I wanted to say, and that we didn't need to get into a big fight over it. She stood down but things were icy the rest of the day and evening.

I know one of Sandi's rules is not to inquire where they are or what they are doing. But I also know LBS aren't supposed to be total doormats. I do think she'd have communicated in some way with anyone else in the same situation, so I'm not sure what I should have done. I certainly could have been more matter-of-fact about it (I was too overtly pissed), but I'm getting sick of the lack of respect and am getting tired of her thinking she can treat me like she owns me.

[ForGump]

Sorry JR, but I think I would have let this one go. A brunch always takes more than an hour, so I would've taken your W's promise of "an hour or so" with a shovel of salt. And then when she didn't return w/i an hour, I would've just gone on w/ whatever you had in mind to do w/ the kids -- and just send her a text saying so. "Kids & I are going for a bike ride, then probably grab lunch. Should be back in two hours or so. Enjoy brunch."

I think not being her doormat doesn't mean critiquing her when she misbehaves, but going about your own life as if you don't care.

Speaking as one who is still in in-house-separation, and one who gets pulled into W's stormy waters ....

[JRuss]

I guess I do go looking for insults that aren't there. Her not making eye contact with me is another trigger I've noticed. I may be losing my marriage, half my net worth, 50% of my time with my kids, etc., and I'm largely powerless to do anything about those things, so maybe I look to defend myself in these areas because I still can demand respect. Not sure.

[ForGump]

Oh man, the eye contact ... so hurtful. I knew she was drifting away and I always hoped that she would drift back... maybe the next day ... no, then maybe the next week ... no, then maybe the next month ... Little did I know at the time that she had sailed her ship off a precipice.

[JRuss]

I was talking to my Dad last night and telling him how tired I am. I've been fighting for 2 years now, and at no point in any of all that has there been anything but a downward trajectory. Yes, she's moved very slowly at times, but there's never been a time when I've felt like "Hey, things are better now than they were back when _______". All new developments have been developments involving increased distance, less connection, etc.

I'm not sure I see the point of continuing to "stand for the marriage" or whatever else we try to tell ourselves we're doing. The woman just doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to live a life that doesn't have this new set of chapters she sees herself writing on her own, with someone new, etc. Yeah, be the best me I can be. I get it. But a lighthouse is a pretty lonely thing to be if no one even wants to look at it.

[JRuss]

And that's when I can manage the lighthouse thing in the first place. I don't seem to ever get to a place where I'm not backsliding every few days or once a week, etc.

[ForGump]

Hang in there JR... at least until 10/12 to see what comes out in the MC.

[lt0402]

Oh man, the eye contact ... so hurtful. I knew she was drifting away and I always hoped that she would drift back... maybe the next day ... no, then maybe the next week ... no, then maybe the next month ... Little did I know at the time that she had sailed her ship off a precipice.

Yep, the lack of eye contact is horrible. FG, you and I have sailed the same waters friend as the above is precisely my story as well.

I guess I do go looking for insults that aren't there. Her not making eye contact with me is another trigger I've noticed. I may be losing my marriage, half my net worth, 50% of my time with my kids, etc., and I'm largely powerless to do anything about those things, so maybe I look to defend myself in these areas because I still can demand respect. Not sure.

JR, I know this feeling. There was a point where I viewed anything the W said to me as confrontational and I treated it as such. Picking your battles here is key and that's where your boundaries come in. Only be willing to fight an die on a hilltop one of your boundaries occupies. The rest of the hills are best left alone.

I'm not sure I see the point of continuing to "stand for the marriage" or whatever else we try to tell ourselves we're doing. The woman just doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to live a life that doesn't have this new set of chapters she sees herself writing on her own, with someone new, etc. Yeah, be the best me I can be. I get it. But a lighthouse is a pretty lonely thing to be if no one even wants to look at it.

JR, I'm coming to a similar conclusion in my situation as well. Best we can do is keep focusing on ourselves and our kids. Sticking with the lighthouse analogy we've got going, if you build your light to be so bright that it can't go unnoticed, you're bound to get someone (if not your W) seeking it out.

Be strong brother. I agree with FG that you should wait until 10/12 to see what happens. But, don't lose a bit of time continuing to improve yourself. Don't idle until then, use that time productively. Be proud that you've taken a path of standing for your M. It may not work out, but you should have pride in the fact that you are. We're all here to stand with you JR!

[JRuss]

Thanks, guys -- the trip to the beach (10/6-10/10) with the kids should be just what the doctor ordered. I'm REALLY looking forward to getting out of the house and having some time away from the sitch, her, etc. I am going completely dark for my own sanity mainly and will just let the kids call her on D12's cellphone if they want to talk to her (I'm sure they will).

[ForGump]

Not to sound disagreeable ... but ... JR ... you've been doing self-improvement for two years. Man, enough is enough. Everybody is flawed. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has weaknesses. You've dropped an enormous amount of body weight, and dragged your butt through years of torment to save this marriage. Are we not allowed to be normal, flawed, human beings?

You didn't do drugs, you didn't gamble, you didn't cheat. You wrestled with depression and you dealt with it, and you're dealing with it. You've done nothing but self-improvement for two years while your W treated you shitty.

You're a decent, normal guy. Nothing more, nothing less. Do whatever your heart feels, man. Talk to your wife. Be warm. Be cold. Enjoy your vacation. Enjoy your kids. Call her if you want to. Don't call her if you don't want to.

After all that you've put into this -- what happens now is on her. Not on you, man.