A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[PacLove]

New Thread Time...

Old one: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2706798&page=1

So in a nut shell it's now been 6 months of pseudo physical separation. I say pseudo as she's been in and out of the house as she's been staying in temporary accommodation/OM until a permanent place comes available - that changes this month.

Personally I have grown a lot in the last 6 months, in faith, in GAL activities, in physical strength and in my relationship with my daughter. Snooping has all but stopped - every now and then I'm tempted as I'm curious where the R with the OM stands... wondering if it's starting to break down, but I know I won't get those answers.

I still have struggles though, mainly around sleep (comes and goes) focus at work, trying to maintain cool around W when she's at home and enforcing healthy boundaries - the last has come a long way but find that I haven't been strong enough at vocalizing them with her.

The toughest lately has been with D10, she's confiding her concerns with me a lot, particularly about her worries that we will get a divorce. I try and comfort her and say that we aren't talking about that right now, and that we both love her but you can tell its very much on her mind on a daily basis. She has very little connection with W which makes me sad as I would like for them to have a healthy relationship.

When this all started I thought I'd wait a few months - here I am over a year since BD1 and 6 months since separation and while there is temptation at times to end it and move on I'm in no place to do that today.

On a different note... there was an interesting piece this morning on Catholic Radio how in the 70's there was less than 5% of non-religious in the US and today there's 25%, they correlated that with the divorce rate in the 80's being at the highest and the kids as a result growing up in broken families were less likely to have a foundation of faith. I fear that for my daughter, she's strong in faith today but she's about to enter some of her critical formation years.

I can honestly say that the last 6 months have prepared me for whatever is next - if the BD of D comes I'm as ready as I can be, if she wants to reconcile I'm also ready as I feel I now have the patience and faith to handle it gracefully and openly. If indecision persists, I will continue on my path to build a better stronger me.

[PacLove]

One thing I would add to my earlier post (dang wish we could edit ;-) but particularly for the newbies here - as much as I wanted my W back when she left, and have since the day she left, I honestly don't think it would have been good for us - as there was much anger, hurt and resentment to even work on the relationship.

I would not have been in the right state of mind to work on our R in a healthy manner. This past 6 months has allowed me time to breath, accept what has happened and in some ways prepare myself for either reconciliation or moving on.

So if you're newly separated/BD - take the time and work on yourself - you will appreciate it down the road.

[PacLove]

The unknown and the curiosity is getting to me today... to peek or want to know what is going on with W and OM is eating me up... are they progressing? or are they fizzling?? Only they know and meanwhile I work on myself and try to not think about it. It's a down day I guess...

I spent some time reading old emails this afternoon between W and me - so much love shared between us and promises of life commitments - where has all that gone? Frustration for sure. perhaps part of the mourning process.

[PacLove]

Not so strong yesterday/today... feelings of hoplessness and anger are very much persistent.

An interesting thought today... if I look at all the relationships I've seen growing up and among my circle of friends, of the ones that ended in divorce, I'd hazard a guess that most were a result of an Affair, and about half ended up with their AP (or at least I assume by the quick hookups post divorce). Granted this is probably a fairly small sample size of maybe 10 or so.

These stats don't bode well compared to the internet report of only a 3% success rate of a lasting relationship with the AP.

[PacLove]

Uggh... Big back step the other day, as W is getting ready to move out I brought up the question of how she's going to pay for it - fair question.

That led to her asking me what I thought of us... long story short, I shared that I was still "in" to fight for our marriage and willing to work on things but that the A is getting in the way. She brought up legal separation to which I said she can file if she'd like. I saw windows of hope in her that she hadn't entirely given up on us (ie separation instead of D) but also some of standard stuff WW's say. She opened up about the issues we had in our M to which I responded I was working on them but she said couldn't trust me...

I probably broke about half of the 37 rules but honestly, part of it felt good to communicate with her after barely talking for the last 4-5 months and figure out exactly where we stand. She made it pretty clear that things wont change anytime soon and has no interest in working on the R right now.

What was interesting is that she brought up a few incidents in the last 4-5 months where she felt I wasn't really changing - ouch. But it made me more mindful that she is likely "observing" my behavior very closely.

We've exchanged a few texts since, mostly tactical.

[doodler]

PacLove,

Your WW has you and the OM; of course she doesn't feel like you're really changing. I'm not good at the DB stuff, but to me, it sure sounds like she's got ahold of both of the men in her life firmly by the balls. She must feel very powerful right now.

[PacLove]

Been a week now since the moving truck showed up - most of the her stuff out of the house and I clarified to her that I wanted the rest out by the end of the month - setting boundaries....

Interestingly enough, twice in the last week she made some reference to "if we get back together..."

Two things been on my mind recently

1) With respect to custody, at first she still wanted D10 to stay at the house weekdays instead of her place, for more consistency.

Pro: I get to see her more and would technically have 70/30 custody

Con: W basically absolves herself of the morning duties, still has access to house and limits me as I either need to be home by her bedtime or allow W to "watch" her until I get home. I'm leaning towards having her go to W's place mid week to get "used" to separation. A D friend of mine tried this and said it didn't work out for him - too rushed to get the kid home by bedtime each night.

2) The other one is more Faith based, I really struggle to see my W living the way she is living right now - and want to jump in and try and save her but this is clearly anti-DB. Anyone else struggle with this? I pray for her daily... but question whether there is more we can do. Any mention of religion, church etc has usually been met with a lot of resistance for obvious reasons.

[PacLove]

Wow almost a month since posted and lots of developments... so 50/50 is where we ended up and seems to be working OK. The house definitely feels a little emptier now with all her stuff gone and D10 out half the time.

I think the biggest change, and while some may not agree, is that I've decided to take a more gentle approach with W.

I had dinner with a friend who went through a divorce a number of years ago and he brought up a good point - with kids involved you are going to be involved with this person for the rest of your live, you can have it be pleasant or you can have it where everything is a fight.

This doesn't mean I'm caving to her every whim and am still keeping some healthy distance and my boundaries, but I'm also not going out of my way to ignore her. We had a good conversation on finances over the weekend and even exchanged some non logistical texts and conversations.

In my mind and heart these niceties will either pave the way for R or at least a future where we can "get along" for the benefit of D10.

[PacLove]

A lot of people here talk about "garnering respect" from their wives, by a Man... I'd be curious how one delineates "controlling" from "boundaries" I've struggled with this along my journey as I know my wife would say that I was someone that had to be in control of most aspects in our lives.

So how does one garner the respect without appearing to be controlling? (Sandi hoping you'll chime in on this one ;-)

[Jug]

One thing I've learned from this is the difference between a boundary and everything else like a threat or an ultimatum. A boundary is what you will or won't allow. People often confuse them but there's a huge difference.

I'm also curious about what else Sandi has to say about respect as she often writes about how critical it is. I welcome you to ask her in my "ask Sandi" thread if she doesn't get to it here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2717080#Post2717080