Such a brilliant post, Job. It resonates with me as well.
Rouky, you do have this. I totally get how cr@ppy it feels, so it's tough to look at the bright side. Think about how much you've learned and how great a mom you are. These men (and women) may never learn, but you are learning and in the long run, you're life will be much more fulfilling for having gone through this work.
The constant chase for happiness just means that one is never fulfilled and thats got to be a tough life to sustain. external happiness is fleeting.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Job thank you so much for your kind and caring post as well as your unconditional support. I realise that there are people who care for me, and I might never met them in person. I think I'm too much over thinking and showing sign of jealousy as H is living the life I wanted us to have (once we would have been more financially stable, and I have accepted bad behaviour from H for two years as I could see the bigger picture!).
H is still in his prime (38), so I guess OW will still get a lot of good years out of him! H told me that our relationship was toxic and that it's better that we aren't together. I guess I have to stop being impatient!
Thank you Feyth for pointing out to me that I have come a long way and that at the end I will lead a fulfill life because of my personal growth.
On a happy note, I booked myself for a Reiki session, then this weekend I'm going to a spiritual exhibition with the lady I do Reiki with, and today I have d booked a weekend away with another friend!
Work was very intense today, but I felt I achieved a lot and the best part was my kids saying that they had the best trick or treat ever!
You shouldn't be jealous of the ow...she's got "used/damaged" goods. She is the one that is jealous of you and what you had w/your h.
Always remember, she's going to do her best to out do whatever you did w/your h. She's the one that is constantly comparing herself to you. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to her...she's not worth it. After all, she's living in the house built on top of sand (lies).
I'm glad you've got a Reiki session booked. It's time you did something for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You got some great advice from Job and Feyth, all I wanted to add is that you are definitely not a bad person, not a bad mum and not a bad wife. You are a wonderful and unique human being. Your H has attacked your personality so that he justifies the destruction he has caused. He might be happy Rouky, but what was the price for that happiness? Will he be happy in two weeks, months, or years? How about when he makes the same mistakes with the OW, will he be happy then? Keep working on yourself, keep being the best mum possible to your kids, and in the long run you will be happy because you deserve to be...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Have I been naive all those years? Are we in a society where happiness comes from someone else? I'm asking this because one of my friends just told me she left her H for someone else, and that person left his wife for her. Is it what society is about today? Personal gratification? I'm just realising that there are more and more people around me who leave their H/W for someone else. I'm wondering what legacy we are leaving to our children? Maybe this is what it is now: in our lifetime maybe we will not be with one partner but several.
I'm realising that being part of a couple is hard work and it requires to work on it, but it just seems so easy nowadays to walk away.
Anyway as for me, I had a brilliant weekend. I can honestly say that I have reached the point of acceptance that my M is over and won't be saved (only took me 20 months, so better later than never!). I'm doing a lot of soul/ spiritual reading. I seem to be attracted to that kind of reading. It helps me to put things into perspective. Even if it's hard at times, I'm finding more positive things to think about, and I have got some happy feelings within myself. Now I know I can do things on my own without H. To be perfectly honest, I don't think we can be as a couple again. Still not filing as at the moment there is no need for it. I no longer never have any expectation from H. I'm starting to feel sorry for OW as he is having his cake with her. Maybe this what she wants a part-time boyfriend?
I still love H but everyone says time is a healer (not seeing him for nearly two months now also helps). I don't think I have DB properly to save my M, but after few errors and trials I'm doing what is right for me.
I don't know what the future holds for me but the last 20 months have been the hardest, yet I have done things, met new friends, discover new things that I'd have never been able if I had stayed with H. This only regret I might have would be what if I hadn't kick him out, but then again looking back when we were separated he went back to her and while in house separation H didn't make much effort to work on M. So really I made the right decision for me (even if until now it didn't feel like it).
No, you haven't been naďve for all those years. Society has changed so much in the last decade. It's not just in marital relationships, but also in the work force. People don't tend to stay in one place very long and it's all about self gratification and how to go about getting it. A lot of people don't want to do the hard work and it's just plain easier to just walk away and start over again. Sometimes I sit and ponder this movement and look around at the messages that are being given by the movie industry, TV and the songs that are sung these days about life. We've become the "throw away" society and find something new.
You've come a long way and I'm happy to see that you've done some reflecting and can recognize all of the growth that has taken place within you and your life. Keep it up! Keep moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been thinking today if I hadn't wasted 11 years of my life with H. During that time we did up 3 houses and that we sold on as our family grew. During this 11 years I have lived in dust, plastered, painted, build walls, wheelbarrowed concret and all kind of things. The end results would have been for us to be homeowners with a tiny mortgage.
Our goal was to start to live and do what we always wanted to do once we had a small mortgage. Now H is doing it with OW! He is going on holidays, spending money on clothes, going to concert. When we were together money was tight as it was reinvested in the house. Now OW is living what I should have done with H. I have lost count of how many nights after a full day at work, dealing with the kids, and a bit of school marking I still helped H with work in the house.
I feel used by H (even if now I'm self sufficient and have learnt a lot regarding DIY), so he got the best out of me and now he is enjoying all the hard work with OW. I remember telling him that if the house wasn't done up straight away we could do it into stages and enjoy life at the same time, but no he wanted it done. The more I think (I know speculations), I feel H had an agenda when we bought our last house! By then he was already in EA with OW! I felt he knew that we will do it up but he always knew that we were done. So it was just a case of plodding along with me until he got what he wanted. They both are working, so they have two waves going in so they can do more stuff. As I have no family here I have to pay for childcare and babysitter if I want to go out. She has her parents, so free childcare.
I feel it is unfair that I worked so hard with him, and now OW is reaping everything. Yes I was unhappy with H because I was doing too much but I always knew it was temporary as I had the end goal in mind. H didn't see it that way as his happiness was/ is more important than the end result. Just feeling a tiny wee bit sour today, but in general life has been good with me.
It's okay to feel "sour" once in a while, but I have say this...you did not waste 11 years of your life. That life is the one that you chose to live w/your h and the both of you, together, had a family. True, there was a lot of hard work put into doing houses, etc., but at the end of the day, you did it together. Let's look at this another way...look at all that YOU accomplished in those 11 years. You were/are a devoted and loving wife, companion and help mate and the mother of his children. I see a woman who worked hard, didn't have a whole lot of time to spend on herself, but you gave of yourself freely and loved doing for her family.
Yes, your h has gone off the rails, but all the money in the world will not help him recreate those memories that he made w/you in 11 years. Right now, he thinks life is grand and one day, the shine will rub off that brass ring and the spending spree and fun will be over. You had the best years of your h's life and she's getting a used and broken man who can't see two steps in front of him. She will never have what you had w/your h and that was a partnership and family.
Rouky, it's normal to compare what you have to what they have...but I can assure you, you wouldn't want to be in their shoes, especially his. Things are making happy for now. In your life, family and being yourself will make you happy. You are working through your challenges and he's not. You will be the one to come out the other side a "whole and happy person", wiser and more independent. You will be happy again...but you have to go through that grieving process at the moment. There is light at the end of the tunnel...keep walking forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm doing pretty ok when I don't see husband, but I still feel a sting when I have to communicate with him. On few occasion H made his voice heard that the upkeep of the children was getting expensive for him. On a couple of occasion he asked me to feed the kids when it was his time with them!
I guess as you said Job, leopards don't change their spots, but he is willing to spend some money on him and OW. Recently H has also been expecting me to change my plans to suit his needs. I would have thought that by now he'd have realised that I'd not be like him first partner (who would go back and forth to please him). As far as I am concerned H has lost every right to ask me to accommodate him when he decided to introduce OW in our marriage! He needs to realise that he should be working around his kids not them fitting around his lifestyle.
I have nothing to lose as H is well and truly gone, so I don't see why I should accommodate him. Am I being too harsh? Or just a b****? When I have work commitments I ask friends to help me with my kids, not him as the few times I asked he was busy anyway, so I stopped asking him. If I can arrange things for my kids when they are in my care, why can't he? As one of my friends told me he doesn't want any commitment, responsibilities, and she thinks he isn't emotionally grown up! I think she is spot on, and I'm finding it hard to let it go. Even if I know it's over, I can't stop having a tiny hope. It's not healthy for me!
Hi Rouky, Nothing new to add, but I totally get it. Having no contact is definitely much easier on the spirit. I, too, feel that sting every time I see my stbx.
Honestly, I don't know how you could get your h to wise up and realize that you are not to be accomodating him. I'm sure you've read up on boundaries, but it is really hard to enforce a boundary when you're dealing with someone who is completely clueless and won't "see" his behavior.
And no, you're not a b*, you're someone who can manage her own responsibilities and you are not responsible for coddling your h.
Keep up the good work Rouky!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
