my wife and I are very bad at communicating our issues to each each other. We usually swallow it and it ends up festering and turning into resentment. She basically told me last night that she has been feeling unloved and unwanted for awhile which has lead me to where I am today. She's absolutely resigned to the fact that we need to be divorced. There's no convincing her of anything else. So I'm back in therapy to see if I can get a handle on my issues so whether we continue this marriage or not, I can be a better person and father.
It's so hard. I broke the news to my parents today. They're gutted. It feels like a little bit of me is dying every day.
If you are in counseling for your personal issues, that's okay. If you are in counseling for your MR......you may get advice contrary to the advice here. I have found it amazing the number of H's who apparently thought every source would have the same advice, but that's not the case at all. The more sources....the varied the advice.
Can you tell us about her growing up years, and if she suffered abuse? Was there something that happened that was traumatic for her and maybe affected the rest of her life?
I believe waywardness in a wife begins with resentment, unmet expectations, and unresolved issues. She carries that around in her heart and then it leads to disrespect for her H. Over time, she begins to rebel against her H/M, if the resentment & disrespect continues to grow. When she goes against the H/M, she is showing rebellion. The WW is angry. She may (or may not) be depressed, but count of it....she is angry at her H. She blames him for her unhappiness, and just about everything else, too.
She doesn't have to be in an affair to qualify as wayward, however, the majority of the stories here do include affairs. If you have not read the threads for Help for Newcomer LBHS Who Have a WW (on Cadet's post), then take a look and see if you recognize your own wife in those threads.
Btw, swearing on her child's life....means nothing to a WW. You cannot believe what she says, and you cannot trust her. This is not the girl you married.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My wife lost her mother when she was 17 to breast cancer. It was a short, sudden illness. While her mother was in chemo, her father was carrying on an affair with a woman. Once her mother died, her father introduced this woman into her life as if her mother never existed. She's struggled with this for a long time and I believe she is around the same age her mother was when she died.
She also carries resentment over the fact that she had to go back to work when our daughter began school. I work for a small company that was hit really hard during the recession. I had to take a pay cut and the company could no longer pay for our health insurance. Her job included insurance as well as a much need decent paycheck. She's never let that go even though its given us breathing room as well as the extras for our daughter that we could never afford if we didn't have her salary. She actually brought this up when she came to me about the divorce. There's nothing I can do. We need her salary to survive. We live in a expensive part of the country where there isn't any inexpensive places to live. We just need her salary. She just can't come to terms with it.
my wife and I are very bad at communicating our issues to each each other. We usually swallow it and it ends up festering and turning into resentment. She basically told me last night that she has been feeling unloved and unwanted for awhile which has lead me to where I am today. She's absolutely resigned to the fact that we need to be divorced. There's no convincing her of anything else. So I'm back in therapy to see if I can get a handle on my issues so whether we continue this marriage or not, I can be a better person and father.
It's so hard. I broke the news to my parents today. They're gutted. It feels like a little bit of me is dying every day.
There's no convincing her right now because she's having an affair and she's in affair fog. No point in working on a marriage if there are more than 2 people in it and there are more than 2 people in yours. You really need to verify the affair. That changes your entire course of action. To solve a problem you must first analyze the problem. You can't be operating under a false assumption of what the problem is or you won't employ the correct solution. Verify the affair and we'll go from there.
I took my wedding ring off a couple of days ago as my wife took her off a few days ago. I did it mostly out of anger and frustration and the feeling that since my wife is behaving as if our marriage is over, I should too.
This morning I went to church thinking there was an 8am mass. I haven't been to church in ages but it has always given me a measure of comfort going so I figured why not. Apparently there isn't a Saturday morning mass so I had the church to myself. Quiet and dark. I sat and sobbed for a few minutes and then sat quietly. Something told me to go home and put my ring on and fight for this marriage even if my wife doesn't feel the same. I've given my struggle to God and I pray for his guidance. I feel like I'm in a car going at 100mph and there's no hands on the steering wheel. I need help.
I can see my wife is in some sort of haze. It's as if she's been given marching orders that only she can hear. I can only control my actions and reactions so I'll just have to hang on for dear life right now. So exhausting.
I know times are horrid right now. It's so hard to focus. The best thing to focus on is you and the kids. Because that's all that is in your control. Your W will do what ever she wants right now, she will act like a teenage girl. You can't really control any of it.
Try your best to keep busy and don't think about her too much if you can.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Making the changes to myself that will allow our relationship to thrive. No more holding on to petty or benign annoyances that I allowed to fester. Telling my wife why I love her and why she's still such a special person to me.
I'm in therapy right now to have someone help me navigate this.
Listen I'm really sorry this is happening. You need to make sure you keep it together right now for your D, because you're in for a long ride and it won't be over for a long time. it will get a lot worse. I'm not going to sugar coat it. But it will get better or so I hear. One thing I wish I did differently was I would have spent less time worrying about my wife and more about myself. You have to realize you are facing maybe 2% chance of actually stopping the D. But I understand. You have to try at least.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
