So let me get this straight. Your W is having an A but the problem is that you are likely gay? Nice. If you want to remain friends after a D, that's fine. But if not, you should tell her that's not how it will be. Lost, I see that your W is VERY conflicted based on the things you are saying she says. That is a good thing when it comes to having a shot at saving your M. BUT, her world has got to come crashing down around her. The sooner that happens, the sooner things can start to turn around. So let her see you walking out the door. Let her know that you will NOT be friends after a D. Let her know that you will NOT be in an open M and will not tolerate being treated with such disrespect. Then leave it at that. You need to spend this time working on you and you need to leave her in the mess she created. Let her see that you are fine, in fact, better without her. Then go and find out how to be better without her.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Darkness, I'm not sure what is holding me back. That's what I am really struggling with
Obviously I am not content with moving from husband to friend.
I truly am trying to get myself to start doing things, but I just find myself paralyzed....constantly playing through every scenario, every outcome, and a new one for me is thinking about her having sex with another person and kids. It is absolutely crippling me. I know I sound like a big baby, and quite honestly I feel like it...I just don't know how to pull myself out of it.
First, your emotional struggle is normal... It feels very real and like it is sucking the life out of you... Emotional injuries can harm us more than any physical injury... Recognize this...
Now, let's apply some first aid so we can begin to heal...
Google Emotional First aid Ted talk... Watch it, it is by Guy Winch...
Google and read up on the Stockdale paradox...
Start here to break the paralysis...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You are spinning. It's unbelievably painful and most likely is the hardest thing you will ever deal with in life. We have all been there. None of us can predict your outcome, but we do know that things will get better for YOU over time. If you can follow the advice and steps, you increase your odds of feeling better about yourself, getting stronger, and having better Rs in general. You also increase the change your W will come back. Most likely later. Patience is key. You will learn to be patient.
This takes a long time--marathon, not a sprint! You cannot measure success in a day--it takes weeks, months, and sometimes years. So take life day by day and hour by hour. Some of us have been in the mix for years! My H had an A with OW who I thought was a friend and then left me for her for 10 months. It all started 3 years ago. He has been back a year and a half now. It is still difficult. We cannot control them, but we can control ourselves. We can only grow stronger as we focus inward and start healing.
LiM has also been through h311 and back! His W had a full blown A with her trainer and also did a 180 and came back and is committed to the M. Go back and read both of our sitches. So what I am trying to tell you is that this may get worse before it gets better but things will change. Believe none of what she says right now! All waywards will tell you that they are done, want D, and the M was a mistake, even rewriting history, blah blah blah. They are deep in the fog, feeling desperate and scared, and must say this to try and justify their choices. Don't listen to it! My H said all kinds of ridiculous cr-p and admits now how lost and confused he was at that time.
Right now all you can do is let her go. Do not talk to her, talk about R, cry, beg, yell, threaten, tell her you are done--say NOTHING to her. Stay away from her and focus on you. She is going to go on her own dark journey, and she needs to learn first hand that 1. It is not any better, 2. You are not sitting there waiting desperately and 3. You are starting to look like the better option.
If you can do this, you WILL be the better option. Read Sandis rules every day and live by them. Keep posting here every day. Cry, yell, lean on family and friends and start letting yourself grieve what was and heal from the blows. This is terribly hard but you will get through it.
Lastly, you might be thinking that if she does x, y, z, or has any type of A you are done anyway, and you will want D. That is fine but there is no benefit to doing that now, it hurts more. And I just want to remind you that we all felt that way initially. Feelings change. People change. Life is long. It's time to let her go and start living for you.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My genuine concern now is that she is getting an apartment. I don't really feel comfortable with financing this, as I feel that will be condoning the affair. However anytime I mention separation of finances, she gets defensive and says that means it's over. I guess the issue is I don't know how to separate finances without it seeming like I am asking for a D.
I understand she is leaving and I can't stop her, although I am still struggling with accepting the reality of that. At times I feel like it won't matter much because she's not REALLY there anyway. I mean sure she looks like my wife...but that's about it. Also, she will be taking at least 1 of our 3 dogs with her, and to most people that probably doesn't seem like a big deal; but for me it's a huge deal as one of the things that brought us together was our passion for dogs.
I am now mourning the loss of a dream in that regard too: We have been religious EXTREME savers so that we can retire early and open a dog rescue facility...realistically we would be there at around age 45...that's only 14 years away
You all are right though, I am extremely conflicted. Separate finances, ask for D, expose affair, let her go and just work on me and leave finances the same, and many other options all run through my head on the daily.
My genuine concern now is that she is getting an apartment. I don't really feel comfortable with financing this, as I feel that will be condoning the affair. However anytime I mention separation of finances, she gets defensive and says that means it's over. I guess the issue is I don't know how to separate finances without it seeming like I am asking for a D.
Holy manipulation, batman!!!! because you don't do things the way she wants it's over?
I truly am trying to get myself to start doing things, but I just find myself paralyzed....constantly playing through every scenario, every outcome, and a new one for me is thinking about her having sex with another person and kids. It is absolutely crippling me. I know I sound like a big baby, and quite honestly I feel like it...I just don't know how to pull myself out of it.
What does all the stuff I bolded have to do with you getting a life?
Thats like saying, Im hungry. I know I should eat, but Im too worried about the economy and the war and global warming to walk to the kitchen.
lostasf -- I just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. I have battled depression and debilitating rumination, and I know that it can just sap all of your energy. Do anything you can to push through it, though, because the doing of things, anything really, will get you going on the path you want to be on. Pick one thing you want to accomplish today that has nothing to do with anything or anyone but you and do it. Then pick another thing. Repeat, over and over. I promise you that you will find relief from the tortuous thinking. It won't happen overnight, but it will break the ruminative cycle long enough to give you some relief.
I would also highly recommend trying to develop a meditation practice. I'm not exaggerating when I say it, along with IC, saved my life; or, more accurately, it gave me the ability/tools to start to live a life again that's worth living.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
