Don't be too harsh on yourself. You cannot rewind the clock, what's happened, happened. You calling might have been a mistake but there is nothing you can do about it now. Just be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the feelings you are having. I'm angry. I am proud of many things in my life at the moment, but at the same time I am very very angry. I have to use all my willpower to remain civil and try to keep drinking the STFU smoothies.. I think we go through this roller coaster of emotions, and there is not much we can do about it.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Saw a text yesterday between my oldest son and h. Oldest son asked h why he left. H said ?... son said why did you split up h said you know why things weren't good between me and your mum...then he said...I didn't leave you I'm always there for you.
It winds me up am afraid that he still uses me shouting at him as the excuse but won't admit that he was carrying on.
We were in a marriage and yes I can accept it had got routine but he decided to do the I'm unhappy I don't love you rather than talking to me properly and he did nothing during that 2. And a half months to make things right. It makes me mad that the way I reacted to his behaviour is still his excuse for walking out in his family.
He can justify it all he wants...he did walk out on his kids and he moved in with ow 6 months later. Am I mad?
Sure you are angry, but you have no control over how he spins his sob story to his children. You can't change his perception of what happened. What you can do is sit down and discuss the matter with your oldest son and explain in a simple way that he will understand that his father has some issues that he needs to resolve and he can't do that living under the same roof right now. Reassure him that he's not the reason his father left.
If you decide to do this, do it in a very calm manner as your child will pick up on your anger.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia-I am just getting familiar with your situation by reading some of your past posts. But there is one saying that keeps running through my mind over and over: "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."
I don't see a single word in your posts about what you are doing to make the situation better. Yes, you are admitting you might have made some mistakes in the past, but you seem more content to seek solace in comparing yourselves and deciding because you feel he is more to blame then you are, that you are absolved of having any responsibility to be a better person, rather than actually try and do anything to change the situation yourself.
If you want to save your marriage or at least have a civil relationship with him in the future for the sake of your kids, then you need to take responsibility for yourself and stop the victim mentality. Otherwise, this is going to end badly. You aren't doing a single thing that would even possibly lead to another outcome.
Job, I did have a chat with my son and did pretty much say what you mentioned.
I asked him why he'd asked his dad that now....he didn't really know.....but did say that he wanted his dad to come back. I said that the way his dad is acting is not the way anyone should behave. If someone is unhappy they sort it out not do this. I said to my son that your dad does love you and this is nothing to do with you but at the moment he thinks this is what he wants. I don't know if he will come back and I said to my son I was sorry.
2lady, I don't understand what you mean to say I don't do a single thing. I am there for our children when they are hurting, I am there to answer any questions or support them on things that matter to them. I provide a roof over their head by paying the mortgage . I gone back to work this year with a more positive attitude and am working really hard to get urn around the mess I was last year. I keep myself busy with either the kids or myself as much as I can .....
The posts on her go back months so yes things do go up and down and this morning I had a down but yesterday was an up.
It makes me mad that the way I reacted to his behaviour is still his excuse for walking out in his family.
I could pick a lot more points to comment on but I will just focus on this one. You say you are mad that he used your angry reaction as an excuse to walk out on you. Mad is just another way of saying angry. So you are saying you are angry at him for using your previous anger as a justification to walk out on you. You knew the anger was the reason he left in the first place, you know it was a mistake on your part, but yet you continue to be angry. You are simply reinforcing his reason to leave by giving him more of it. Walking out on your spouse is a lousy thing to do, but you have trapped yourself in a vicious self-reinforcing circle of anger that just grows and grows. Being angry at someone for not putting up with your anger just seems so self-destructive. What's next? Being angry because he ignored the fact that you were angry about him not accepting your anger? You see where I am going with this? Only you can put a stop to this.
I don't understand how we got here. We were good together, strong. You said we didn't have any common goals anymore. I thought we had an important one, bringing up our children together to be happy secure adults.
When you said you didn't love me anymore I couldn't cope with it. Remember I was having a hard time at work , so you saying that pushed me over the edge and no I didn't handle it very well...I did shout.
If you could've just told me how you were feeling we could have sorted this. You know you could have even told me about the other woman and I would've listened and we could have talked it out.....and we wouldn't be here now...you know in your heart that is true.
But whatever you tell yourself...every time you spoke to her about us, after you decided you were unhappy you hammering more nails into the coffin of our marriage.
This is another example. You said:
Quote:
If you could've just told me how you were feeling we could have sorted this.
But he did tell you how he was feeling:
Quote:
You said we didn't have any common goals anymore.
Quote:
you said you didn't love me anymore
Wasn't that him telling you what he felt? Or are the only legitimate feelings to be expressed the ones you like?
And then you act as if his feelings were his choice:
Quote:
you decided you were unhappy
Do you really believe that he took a conscious decision to be unhappy? Really? Who does that?
You didn't like his feelings, but he DID tell you what they were, and you chose to get angry and try to tell him he was wrong to feel that way.
Solutions are concrete actions. Not getting angry and trying to bully the other person into feeling something opposite of what they feel.
A big part of DB'ing is "do what works" and Mia what you are doing isn't working.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Ok I can hear what you are saying but at the risk of being jumped on again do feel like I'm being attacked.
Apart from the phone call the other week he doesn't really see my anger....I just ignore him when he picks and drops the kids off unless it's anything about the kids.
I don't know whether I want him back really or it's the idea of him or if it's me panicking about money but I do know my older son wants him to come home, so if thee is any chance of that at all, despite him being embroiled with ow give me some idiot guide advice please on what to do as yes I am in a vicious cycle as I'm at a loss and feel out of control
I think sometimes people form an image or opinion from the snapshots of your reality that you post here, so in their wish to help they might come across too "strongly". I'm not sure how much anger is acceptable, but it is something I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm trying to separate the two, my anger and DBing, I don't know if it will work but it's the best I can do for now.
I think you are doing an amazing job keeping it all together, you should be really proud of yourself.
Take care xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
