Thanks Job, and just to clarify from me - the airbrushing of former partners, girlfriends etc. out of family photos by XH's family wasn't metaphorical. That is actually something they did - IDK - using photoshop or whatever?? The person would be erased & replaced by leaves, or whatever the backdrop was...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Now, that's just awful to remove a person from a photo like that. It tells me that they have no deep feelings for anyone. I'm sorry to hear this. I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round...but this is just awful.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto, it is great that you have this close relationship with your SS. He seems to be doing well considering all that is happening in his life.
Now, there is something weird about your XH’s family. I’ve never heard of anything like that, removing people from the picture by photo shopping, etc. Is it an attempt to “paint” a perfect family?
I’m so happy to hear that your Halloween was so much fun! And it seems that you are enjoying your D group. You have so much to contribute.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks Job and Bright - yes, the whole photo thing is a bit weird isn't it - like you are only 'valid' if you are 'in' and being out invalidates you from being in that pic. Also, an unwillingness to acknowledge unpleasantness perhaps?
We've had some lovely Autumn days here in the UK - clear, cold and bright - my favourite. It's my Birthday this week and so celebrations have commenced! Last night I went out to a bonfire party with a couple of friends and today my Dad is cooking lunch for me and we will open presents. This week I could actually be out every night, but I dialled back a little as I have a cold. But I am going out to a comedy night and shopping with a good friend - along with the usual yoga etc..
The second D group session is on Tuesday night. People come to these workshops in all different circumstances and at different stages. But there was one person there this time, who had been through a really rough time with some dark days. From how they 'lifted' during the evening, I really sensed that they saw a prick of light at the end of that tunnel - perhaps for the first time. They were spending time with people who had been through just what they were going through - and had survived - and seemed to be living happily too. At the end of the evening, I asked if they were coming back next week and they enthusiastically said yes - stayed for a while talking and even asked most of the organisers for a hug. It was nice to feel that - as a result of my own difficult experience - I may have become someone who can offer something to others - which in turn brings more meaning to my life.
Oh, and what has also been on my mind is the tortoise and the hare fable. Do you think this has parallels for the tortoise (LBS) and hare (MLCer) situation? The hare races out of the M, jumps into a new R, convinced it will be happy. The tortoise, starts painfully out on the road, gets a little lost, slowly pushes on etc...but the hare burns out and the tortoise slowly moves past...and so on..
Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Apologies Job if I misunderstood your explanation of 'airbrushing' being metaphorical and also wow, Sotto your explanation being literal!!
Happy birthday week Sotto!!! I love that your birthday celebrations span over several days! I like to do that to and as my birthday is in the summer we have lots of garden parties!
Sounds like your D workshops are going well and as you say you can now give something back by being one of the hosts and help others to see that they can get through this and survive.
I love the tortoise and hare analogy. I think I might have used it on someone else sitch on here but in a different context. I think it is very true how fast the MLCer/WS works to get that new life they want and in contrast how it takes us LBS much longer to come to terms with what has happened.
I work in a field where we help managers with organisational changes they are wanting to implement and insist that making significant changes should not be taken lightly so we look at the reasons why they want the changes and how we can avoid any losses first before settling on what needs to happen. We also warn managers that it may be detrimental to the desired outcome if done too quickly and I think this is the case with the MLCer/WS sometimes going out all guns blazing without thinking of the alternatives and the impact of those around them.
I think it amazes me especially when an MLCer/WS is in an EA or PA for a short time how they want to throw away their old life of several years to be with the OP. Most people in new relationships wouldn't think of throwing away their single life until they are certain this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with and I guess that's when the cracks start to show.
I think that is also evident in how sometimes the MLCer/WS can't understand why the LBS isn't on their timeline when they feel the LBS hasn't moved on as yet. I think the fact that it does take us LBS longer to move forward/on definitely helps with how we grow by going through stages of change rather than all at once.
So to cut a long story short I agree with your analogy of slowly, slowly wins the race although I don't believe there are any winners just the LBS who has hopefully grown and made changes and the MLCer/WS who is often stuck and still doing the same things in a new relationship.
Anyway, I'm getting off my soapbox! Have a lovely birthday week!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, thanks for posting and yes I had a good birthday thanks. Part 1 was last weekend and part 2 is this weekend.
I've been busy otherwise. Had the second divorce workshop this week, which was good. It does help me see that I am a ways forward and I do feel 'on the other side' of the journey to some there who were bombed quite recently.
I find it more difficult to relate to those who chose to end their M's, so I need to stay conscious of that and know that sometimes people really reach the end of their rope in R's.
I had put NG on the back burner recently and got a bit tired of initiating. But this week we were based together and had some nice little talks. He ended up saying my town sounds really nice and he'd like to see it some time. I said I'd be happy to show him around if he chose to come down. I left it there and will be interested to see if he picks that up. I do still like him, but I'm also only half way through the 'year after D' period, so I still think not dating is a pretty good idea for now. Our potential R is definitely in the 'slow to develop' genre...
Otherwise, I'm off to the bookstore later, then a comedy night, lunch with friends tomorrow and coffee with friends on Sunday. Enjoying some crisp autumn days too. Work is busy and I'm pretty tired, so just trying to squeeze in a little R&R when I can too.
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Happy birthday Sotto xox, nice to have a full week of celebrations.
Dating is always tricky. I am open to it and slowly letting someone in but deep down I am still not 100%. It will come naturally. You never know whats in our future.
Have a great weekend.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
