Sotto's tootling along

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, thanks for posting and I'm always glad to hear from people - at whatever stage of the journey. Yes I have reached a place of relative peace with things - but my sitch and OW are almost 3 years old now and we are D'd too.

But for sure there was a time when I dreaded him telling me she was pregnant and I felt that would have been the most devastating news. But time and resolution both help a lot and I do have more of a 'live and let live' philosophy - which has helped in my wider life too actually.

Also, I think it is partly that I would not want what they have - truly! I don't want to be in a R that started as an A. Or with an OP who's last R was also an A. Or with someone 17 years younger and I've run away from my W who was not without faults, but was attractive, kind and nice..and I loved her. So I guess none of that is how I want my life to be and if that's a life they want to live, I do feel it's up to them. I'm sure they may well see it all very differently, but it's how I see it.

It does all time though - and thanks for posting. There are many blessed gifts to be found if you stick with the programme - and peace with the situation is so important. There are people who don't reach that place of peace even 20 years later, so I am thankful for it.

Have a good day

[bttrfly]

HI Doll,
Glad things are stable and positive for you! A testimony to how hard you've worked to build this serene life.

Your interaction with NG is, as always, interesting to me. Exbf has surfaced twice in the past month, but is largely incommunicado with everyone. I am also content to let things be. Time enough to figure things out when he moves here.

Wishing you the best as always - isn't your bday soon? xoxoxoxo mwah

[Sotto]

Thanks Bttrfly - no birthday for me yet - not until the Autumn...XH's is soon though. I recall last year he sent me a non-essential message the night before his B'day. I don't expect to hear anything this year.

Just journaling, it is really interesting to hear the human stories from MLC and other marital breakups. Last night I was out with a friend who's XH was unfaithful right from the get go - having inappropriate contact with others on their wedding day even. They have kids and she forgave him his first affair. They carried on, but he had further affairs over the next few years and she decided to file for divorce, which finalised this time last year.

She has recently started seeing a nice guy and her XH has really been struggling. No GF at the moment and he's been struggling that another guy is spending time with his kids and with her. He told he was wondering if they might try again - he was lonely and things weren't going great for him. She said no and he said he could understand why she felt that way - what a sad story though. Why didn't he realise how much he valued what he had at the time he had it?

I met up with a mutual friend of mine and XH's today. She has been through some difficult treatment these past 6 months and lives a distance away - so our first meet up in 9 months. I always have a little trepidation about what I may hear about XH. But turns out she has not heard from him for 9 months either. At the time our house was selling she texted him to let her know when he would be up. But then she found out he had been and gone without being in touch.

So, his S knows all about the treatment she has been having and what a rough time of it. I just couldn't believe that he wouldn't have been in touch with her at all during such a rough time. We were good friends and our families used to get together most weeks. She tried to be helpful to us both at the time of our separation. She now says that she doesn't even know if he would respond if she did text him. She told me - it isn't just you that has been erased - it is his whole former life.

She told me they had really struggled with the duplicitous behaviour and that we all sat having Sunday lunch together when he already had plane tickets booked to go and stay with OW two days later...

Anyway, for those of you struggling with the truth of things not being known, I wanted to say that over time the real picture does trickle out and people form their own views of it. My friend says that she and her S still talk with disbelief about what happened and have come to see that XH is 'unhealed' in some way.

Anyway, it gave me some food for thought and I just wanted to share in case this if of interest. We should always believe the human stories we hear as the patterns do repeat in other situations.

Have a lovely weekend all xx

[HaWho]

Sotto - I can imagine how you and mutual friends struggle with the severity of duplicity you now realize was occurring. It's a wonder he could live with himself through all that. One must have an amazing ability to power off one's own conscience to do so. And yet, no matter how much you try to erase swaths of your past, somewhere deep you can't turn the lights out completely on truth of what happened.

Thank you for sharing. It's always nice to hear from you. Truly, you have travelled this ugly road with tremendous grace.

[Tita]

Hi sweetie,

So nice to read your posts. Always so much positivity even when there are some troubles around. It's amazing how your XH just escaped from his own mess and move forward.

I would think that he is still dealing with the same internal problems he had before. Some people think that if they have a clean slate, then life will be resolved and they forget that wherever they go, they will be there. The old selves will be present in the new picture.

Maybe with time he will realize and face his own issues before blaming someone else for his failures.

But, that is another story and for sure you have no control over what he did, or is doing in his life.

Now, the way you deal with your own life is none of less but amazing. I always envy you in how thoughtful you are and how you can get messed up for a little while and then look the situation from outside and address the proper changes to have a good outcome.

I wish that many of us could have the same self control you have. For sure our lives would be a lot easier.

Sorry to hear that NG seems not so ready to move a little forward, but it's better then have someone being dishonest. At you know that he is a nice human being that won't take advantage of the moment. What actually makes it harder, because if he is a NG with this nice attitude, then maybe he will be a nice partner.

Well, all in time I guess. Maybe things will have another turn and you two can have a chance to spend sometime together.

Toots, you were and are a very nice friend that gave very valuable advices. I wish one day we can meet in person. We have been here almost the same time and your friendship has been a treasure to me.

Hope mom and dad are doing well. Keep being awesome.

Lots of hugs and kisses,
Tita

PS.: I am such bad girl, I did not write to RD yet. Shame on me.

[Sotto]

Thanks so much HaWho and Pink. Yes I wonder sometimes about the duplicity and the walking away - seemingly without a backward glance - when we had a good enough marriage. Still...

This evening I realised it is 3 years to the day since BD1 - when I discovered XH had OW to stay at our city flat. And really after that life was never the same again. I have come a long way since then - and truly it has been a lovely road in many ways - though I would never have wished for the journey. But we many of us take journeys we didn't ask for!

All is well with me - though my new work project is a bit of a rollercoaster. I'm lucky to have some great colleagues and we support each other - but oh boy, there have been a few highs and many lows. I feel generally good with myself and I've been reconnecting with some 'looking after me' activities - meditation, listening to calming and inspirational self help books. Still doing yoga, choir, bookstore, dancing and other social things.

I joined a new dance class, and really like it. Actually, there is a really friendly guy there and I like him. I don't know what his circumstances are, so I would be cautious, but nice to make new friends anyway. I pretty much gave up on NG at work. He gave me his new number and I dropped him a note after a couple of weeks - got a pleasant one-liner back. But I feel he doesn't really want to take anything further, and that's okay.

So, 3 years on what matters to me most? New friends, my own strength, no regrets for how I handled things. A sense of pride, more truth and authenticity in my life - I try to bring me to the table - not what I think others want. These are all gifts to have. And whilst I didn't manage to save my marriage, life is still happy and I am grateful.

You know, I never envy XH and OW. I believe they are still together. Though I imagine that could implode at some point. But truly, I wouldn't want what they have, and I no longer really miss XH or wish for him to return. Though part of me would like for him to feel he was mistaken. Not because I would like for us to be together again - more because it would be fair and just.

Best wishes to you all and I am so grateful for all the support from the forum. Xx

[FightOn]

Your story is very inspirational. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I feel like there is no end to the misery, but when I read these stories from the vets it helps me maintain perspective.

What kind of dance class are you taking? It sounds like fun!

The part that would like for him to feel he was mistaken . . . I feel that way too. I suppose it's natural.

[rd500]

Hi Sotto , you are an example of the DB process working. For newcomers it may seem that the process didnt work for you but it worked brilliantly. I still believe your underlying character helped you tremendously but you detached as best you could and became the GAL queen of the universe. I, among many others, waited sith baited breath fir your next GAL adventure and i was never left disappointed with the next activity.

Im sure you still have your sad moments because your a caring and good person but those moments become less frequent and obviously tbis new dancing partner may play a part in helping lengthen the time between sad thoughts !!!

You are the poster girl ( lady obviously) for how to survive this ordeal with grace , style and hard work. Its been a privilege to have watched the journey and long may it continue.

Take care , RD xx

[bttrfly]

Hi Sotto. You are an inspiration to me, as you've always been.

I hope to be as settled as you are now when I'm three years on. You've worked hard and it shows.

You are a lighthouse for us LBS. xoxoxoxo

[Sotto]

Aww, thank you Fight On, Bttrfly and RD. I'm glad if my bumbling along has inspired someone - truly I am. It is great if something positive comes out of the general mayhem that is MLC. And yes, truly I do feel at peace and generally happy with life and I count my many blessings.

I think it does really help not to have to have contact....and it has been a long time for us. TBH, I still feel a little staggered sometimes and think - did this really happen to us??!! - but I don't ruminate too much.

So, life moves along. My boss finally got around to restructuring and it looks as though I have been promoted! I may still have to have an interview, but I am the only candidate and my boss already congratulated me. I'm kinda looking forward to it and I have some trepidation too. I'll be a line manager and I haven't done that for a while, but actually I think the DBing process has helped me in so many ways and I feel confident about it. Truly, DBing is a way of life - so much more than a marriage saving strategy.

As for GAL, I'm enjoying my new dance class and choir. Went to my first choir event last weekend and enjoyed it. Still doing yoga and bookstore and spending time with divorce group and other friends. I did a lot of GAL activities over the past few years and things have settled down to a core of things I enjoy doing.

I'm pushing along with the house and mostly have it how I want it. When it is finished, I may pick up a second property to use when I'm working and save me travelling quite so much. It's a great little house and I love strolling into town and being too close to even drive into town - I'm definitely a town girl.

As for my not dating - well that's continuing. I saw NG last week and we had a nice chat. He is super forthcoming when I see him - asks me questions and volunteers info about himself. He hears what I say and does something with it - so I told him about dancing and he has been asking his dancing friend about a class he goes to etc. He told his son about 'his friend' me who studied the same degree subject and might help out if asked. So, he does see me as a friend - but doesn't really move forward - that's okay and either he just wants to keep things at that level or isn't ready or whatever...

There is also nice salsa guy whose circumstances I'm not sure of. I met a guy from school this weekend when I was out with friends. I wouldn't have recognised him, but he did me and came over for a chat. We talked for half an hour or so. He's clearly married (was wearing a ring) but gave me his number and said we should get together for a proper catch up. I just said thanks - and ripped up the number when I got home. I wouldn't go out with someone else's husband for a drink - even if there were no suggestion of a date. Maybe I'm hypersensitive about this...

Been a busy weekend for me. Bowling on Friday night, housewarming last night, lunch out today and dancing this evening. I'm going back to work for a rest!! Anyway - that's it from me for now. Need to pack up my stuff for work tomorrow and then go dancing!! Love to you all. Xx