Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Surfer]

New Thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2706975&#Post2706975

I have a question in my last post. Can you help?

W moved out taking circa 50% of a lot of money I put in an account for her (a tax efficient savings account in her name) only she can access this. She has he ability to spend it all. She can spend this then D and take what she can from the rest of our assets - say 50%. She has talked about buying a house to the kids, but needs to D to do that. She has instigated mediation and I have completed my forms to move forward with this - but she has not. I don't know why. But we are all kind of in limbo. I don't want to D my W as its her journey, but I do think we need to move forward. Do I sit still as she fritters always £10's of thousands, get L to send a letter to say what is happening.....any views? I am sure when the money runs out I will become the bad man for not providing access to any more money etc. I am also providing her with roughly 50% of her take home money. Effectively I am paying for 2 houses and also giving her monthly income on top........thoughts on this???

Thank you.

Surfer

[AndrewP]

Surfer - I think you need a formalized agreement of some sort. The risks you mention are very real and the future appears to be quite uncertain.

A big dose of reality might do her good too especially if your first offer just covers the minimum and has a sunset clause.

It doesn't have to be a full-blown S agreement - perhaps your L can offer some advice.

[Surfer]

Andrew

Yes, v uncertain. Kids are still happy though - my main priority.

What's a sunset clause? Ie if not accepted by a certain date the deal is off the table?

Thanks for the input.

Anyone have a similar experience?? Any thoughts welcome.....

Surfer.

[lt0402]

No advice from me on the money situation Surfer. We're still doing the joint accounts thing, but I'm going to start to tighten down our spending in the next few days. (cut back on our TV channels, rework our budget to be closer to what we can spend when S, etc.) W continues to spend, similar to yours, at a pace which isn't sustainable when we are S.

I'm finding myself, similar to you, wanting to get some definition around which money is hers and which is mine. That way she can see that her spending is not sustainable as she whittles away at what she has. AP may be right in that it's a wakeup call to her when she sees her assets disappearing more quickly than they are being replenished.

I'm guessing the sunset clause AP is referring to means that the agreement is in place until x date. At x date it is null and void and another agreement needs to be put in place. Pretty much just a temporary thing.

Hang in there Surfer!

[Surfer]

Thanks for stopping by LT.

Good you are getting some focus together.

W dropped kids tonight. Didn't even come in, I was inside. So just dropped kids shut the door and left. Basic disrespect. Not overly upset about that however. His sort of way of acting just leaves me realising how her wayward personality is so not what I want.

Surfer.

[AndrewP]

I'm guessing the sunset clause AP is referring to means that the agreement is in place until x date. At x date it is null and void and another agreement needs to be put in place. Pretty much just a temporary thing.

Exactly. Any contract needs to have in it when / how it can or will be terminated. Usually it triggers on a particular date or if one of the parties does not abide by the terms of the contract.

[Cherry]

I think Andrew has hit the nail on the head there, I know you've gotten to a place with a bit more peace, but I don't think it's fair to you that she continues to take and use a lot of your money to fund her living, she's not feeling any consequences there. A temporary contract with an L would be a good idea. You absolutely need to protect yourself right now. I guess I'm lucky that we never got round to changing accounts around, the money for just the bills and mortgage was one we both set direct debits up to go from our accounts to cover these things. Last month he has cancelled his so I've been doing it alone. He hasn't paid a thing towards the household or for S, as soon as he moves though I will make sure he begins to pay child support.

Yup, don't get drawn in to her behaviours. They're so all over the place! One day they will be nice as anything to you, the next giving you the cold shoulder. Just don't let her moods dictate yours, this is her just showing she is in some kind of crisis. But that's not your problem right now.

[betterm]

I haven't been around the forums for a while, but I'm here today. I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't gotten much better, Surfer...

I'm familiar with your financial problems though, I went through it all (and some) with my STBX. I don't know what a sunset clause is, and I know each state is different...

but Is your D filed yet? If it is, you can have your L draw up a TRO on financials and property assets, as well as a provisional that declares what bills you are responsibile for, which one she's responsible for, and also that "No more that $X can be withdrawn from any account within Y days time (say, a month)... I had to do this in my sitch... Just tell your lawyer you want a TRO and Provisional for bills/withdraws and they should know what to do...

I wish you the best

[Cherry]

My lovely friend, we have a new member mp710, he's got a young d and a wayward wife. I've just sung your praises on being an inspirational man. There's lots of men on here I absolutely admire for their commitments to their family. But the way you kill it being a fantastic dad sprung into my mind. Yup, you impress me that much!

Hope you've had a good evening input a facemask on and thought of you, I bet you think that's all I sit doing!

[PsySara]

I have no advice on the financial aspect, I am completely independent financially from WH and he does pay the children's tuition. I pay my rent, electric/utilities/nanny's fee/car payment/ and my own debt from medical school. It's a good thing I have my own financial means as WH may just decide to up and abandon us, he was making sounds baout that last night.

We can't control the chaos that they are making but we can control how we react. I have begun to voew my WH as someone not mentally healthy right now. It helps me put a barrier between us and for me not to take his anger personally. Frankly I think he looks for reasons to be angry at me so I am making sure he doesn't have a visible target much. Keep up the good work, brother!