It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! You mentioned that you had spoken with a DB Coach previously. I'm wondering if it would be good timing to speak with them again.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial.
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Last week H told me that he is considering applying for a job 400 miles away. He told me that he spoke with the head of the company earlier that day (the head of the company used to be in upper management in the company where H currently works).
H speaks with his sister that evening and tells her about it. The following day H's sister calls me and tells me H suggested to her that I would move with H. What?!? I told her there was no way on earth I could do that. IF I were able to secure a job in my line of work, it would be mean starting over from scratch. Which would translate to a huge paycut. I would be totally dependent on H. AND if it did not work out and I decided to move back, I would have to start back over at my current company. They would not take me back at my current position, if they took me back at all. H knows I wouldn't/couldn't start over.
I think he was intentionally misleading her so he would not look like a jerk for leaving his son behind. But I could just be speculating. I suppose this is where is should not believe any of what he is saying.
Two days later he told me he actually submitted the application. He admitted that most of it was done when he first mentioned it to me. (**Thanks for telling me.**)
Today, I happen to be home from lunch. The headhunter called the house looking for him. I later learned they are scheduling an interview, but he has yet to tell ME this news.
I can hardly believe that he would seriously entertain taking a job 400 miles away and leaving his son behind. This person he is now, this coward, astounds me. In a million years, I never thought he could walk away from his child. I never thought he was the type of person that could do this. What is he doing?
I can only guess that in his mind it would be easier to just run away. To start over fresh somewhere else. Leave his troubles behind him. OMG! How could he do this? How could he really think this is a viable solution?
Not only am I completely flabbergasted at this new job, but I am so hurt that he hasn't told me yet.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe my H is just sparing my feelings and not telling me that real reason he is running is because I am really a terrible person and that's why he is running.
I wonder if God sent the headhunter's call to my house as a message to me as if to say "get over it, this is really happening, he is moving on, and you should too." Maybe this is God's way of telling me something.
There are quite a number of MLCers that move a long distance from where their home base is. Some move from one coast to another and some even move from one country to another. It's running away, hoping that new scenery, new position, new people are what they need to jump start their "good feelings" again. To them, it's an adventure waiting to happen.
He will tell others anything to get them from asking questions about his decisions. Right now, all he's thinking about is himself and what he needs to feel alive again. He may even change his mind and return home in a six months to a couple of years citing that the position isn't what he wanted, or the rent too high, etc.
Why are you saying you are a terrible person? Is that what you think of yourself? If you were such a terrible person, you wouldn't be on this forum trying to understand what he's going through. If you are thinking that this is what your h is thinking about you....well, that's his perception right now, but hopefully it will change while he continues to travel on his journey. BTW, while he's traveling, if you have anything that you need to work on for yourself, now would be a good time to do so. Whatever changes you make, make them for you and be happy w/them. Do not make the changes to win him back because he will see right through them. The changes must become permanent.
The man upstairs has a way of bringing things to light so that we can better understand that this is his journey and that we need to detach and allow them to make their own mistakes in order to learn from them. It's also his way of telling us to keep the focus on us and our families during this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are not terrible person..proof is you are trying to get help. My Ex ran too ...I think it hurts them to be around us. Remember they blame us for everything under the sun. It is not about you or anything you did. Take time for you..long hot baths..maybe a margarita or two..and use this time to learn and grow.It does get better I promise
It helps to hear other people's thoughts to gain perspective.
I had a session with a DB coach this morning and have been thinking a lot about what he said. Of course, after digesting everything, I now have questions. Maybe someone can help?
1. How do I know when it is time to let go? He seems to resolute, so sure divorcing is the right thing. How do I know if HE has it wrong; perhaps I am in just denial?
2. Are MCLers really so certain of their decision to divorce? He seems so resolute. Like he knows for certain. Again, maybe its me, maybe I am in denial.
3. The DB coach commented that H making me breakfast every morning is a sign of a connection. That H still feels something positive otherwise he wouldn't do it. My sister-in-law says its because he is feeling guilty and is trying to be nice to assuage his own guilt. How do I know which it is?
4. His therapist is encouraging him to run away. I can hardly believe this. Why would his therapist encourage this if he knows its MLC? Does he have some kind of ethical obligation to be supportive no matter what? It makes me think maybe it is the right thing to do.
Thanks again everyone and have a wonderful weekend!
I am a newbie -- my H moved about a little of a month ago. He stated he was filing ASAP. Then a few weeks ago, he freaked when he saw some divorce print out I had gotten (just for research). Now he says we can start talking about filing after the holidays. I don't know if this helps -- but my H seemed so sure at first but then he changes his mind. Same with the finances -- he wanted responsibility for all his bills, but won't take the steps needed to move them or even change the passwords. He is still only taking a small allowance and leaving the rest of his check in our joint account.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Mine was set on divorce and he got it. He still blames me for a lot but to my surprise he is taking blame now too. I know...I know....hell hath frozen over. I see him about 2 to 3 times a week where before he disappeared almost for a month at a time on the boys. He still treats me like the cootie monster he believes I am...No hugs..no food but hey we can go out to dinner as a family...every week...nuts I tell you.
The MLCers are good mask wearers..who knows what he is feeding his therapist. Mine said i broke his nose 10 yrs ago(never happened)I'm 5'2 he is 6'0' my reach isn't that big for him not to of seen my fist coming.He swears it is true on his life no less...never happened Some therapists lack the skills to see what is truly happening
You focus on you. Read books..Go out for coffee...i love me some pumpkin spice frapps . Take care of you.. My mom always saids it is best to let the crazy be...better one crazy than 2.. Have fun this weekend and if you need to vent post away
I think they try to connect because they still have feelings for us AND they feel guilty for some of what they do to us and their families. They are trying to make themselves happier, but making others hurt is hurting them more. What a mess.
That's why we need to just let them be and be the lighthouse when they try to see their way through the dark every once in a while.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It helps to hear other people's thoughts to gain perspective.
I had a session with a DB coach this morning and have been thinking a lot about what he said. Of course, after digesting everything, I now have questions. Maybe someone can help?
1. How do I know when it is time to let go? He seems to resolute, so sure divorcing is the right thing. How do I know if HE has it wrong; perhaps I am in just denial?
There is a saying .... I may quit, but not today. This MLC thing is not for the faint of heart and it takes time, like a cake .... you can not just crank the oven to 500 and expect it to come out .... you have to let it bake at its correct temperature and for the amount of time it needs ... this varies with every MLCr out there. To answer your question, only YOU will know when... this is what shocks most LBSs is the fact they have all the power when they feel so powerless in this. You will know .... only you and when you let go you will feel the weight fall off. Know you can not fix them, they must walk this path alone.
Originally Posted By: FightOn
2. Are MCLers really so certain of their decision to divorce? He seems so resolute. Like he knows for certain. Again, maybe its me, maybe I am in denial.
They talk a mean game, in that fogged mind if they could only just be divorced and free it would bring happiness, relieve them of all the guilt and Euphoria is sure to follow as far as they are concerned .... mine yelled D for almost 3 years, 3 separate mediation attempts (total about 5-6 meetings) untill finally she filled for D last month after about 7 months of as much NC as I could have with a child involved.
Originally Posted By: FightOn
3. The DB coach commented that H making me breakfast every morning is a sign of a connection. That H still feels something positive otherwise he wouldn't do it. My sister-in-law says its because he is feeling guilty and is trying to be nice to assuage his own guilt. How do I know which it is?
I will not outright disagree with a DB coach ... but I would lean towards the guilt, I seen this early on but over time these acts of kindness were few and far between
Originally Posted By: FightOn
4. His therapist is encouraging him to run away. I can hardly believe this. Why would his therapist encourage this if he knows its MLC? Does he have some kind of ethical obligation to be supportive no matter what? It makes me think maybe it is the right thing to do.
Thanks again everyone and have a wonderful weekend!
Typically therapists do not understand MLC like we do, so they may see this as a midlife transition and to 'help' him break co-dependency and discover who he really is (Not fully aware he is currently an alien who took over your old H's body)
You may have heard this and might be sick of it but its the truth ... allow him to walk this his way at his pace, work on you, a true act of love would be to give him a better version of you if/when he returns .... the worst that can happen is you are a better person regardless of the outcome.
