So, my husband dropped the bomb July 9th, filed July 13th. Up until then I had honestly things were getting better. About a year ago was the start of the red flags - he had said something along the lines of not respecting me since I wasn't pulling my own weight. I have depression and anxiety and had been having a hard time with employment. And honestly, I'd been slacking in household duties as well. This spring there were a few more times he'd say things like he didn't feel loved or appreciated and I honestly didn't really listen to him. I was scared, and never thought it would lead to this. In April was the first time he said he wanted a divorce, but it was said in the heat of an argument, and afterwards he said he gets self-destructive when he's depressed and since I am such a part of him he lashed out at me.
After that, in May, things were going better - I thought. I was trying to communicate better, and I had started job hunting, and slowly getting my feet under me. I had gone to visit family in Alaska at the start of June and he called me every night I was gone and said he missed me and when I returned he bought me flowers and chocolate. I started a new job June 23rd. He said he was really proud of me and that he would be super supportive of me and do more around the house so I wouldn't have to stress about it with my new job.
June 30th he got accepted to grad school. He's also still working full-time. July 6th he started looking at divorce stuff, July 9th he dropped the bomb. He said he couldn't do grad school, work full-time, and take care of me at the same time, so he needed to do what was best for him and divorce me, and he doesn't want to work on it. He says because he doesn't believe I can change.
He says he still likes me, just not IN love with me, and that he wants to stay friends and roommates, and he's paying all rent and bills while he still lives here which he plans to do for the next 2 years while in grad school.
I believe that he still cares about me - when he first dropped the bomb and I was still dealing with it I asked if he meant that we were still friends and his face was full of affection when he looked at me and said yes. He also told me that I would find someone else to love me, but until then he would be my safety net, just not my husband.
From talks we had in July and looking back before that, I believe I know most of the ways in which I failed him. Not cooking, not cleaning, not working, not listening, being needy/dependent. Not an exhaustive list.
So far, I have done the usual screaming, crying, begging, pleading, trying to logic him out of it. I realized on my own after about 2 weeks that it wasn't going to work and decided I would try to show him that it wasn't an empty promise when I said I could change. I've been getting the house cleaned and organized, I tried to cook him dinner but he said it was inappropriate so now I just cook for myself. I've been doing well at my job. I've started back up with yoga. I'm making an effort to find new friends and a wider support network.
I've slipped up twice - once, August 4th I got drunk and got into a fight with him. August 14th, I tried to have a "talk" with him, but it didn't end in a fight. He just basically said he couldn't love a sick woman anymore and that he would start to believe the changes in a few months, which I understand. I know I need to be patient.
There have been some good days with him as well, two that stand out. Up until the fight August 4th, he had been keeping his wedding ring on his keychain and he was still on our joint bank account. During the fight I told him to get off, so August 5th he put the ring in his top dresser drawer and got his own bank account.
On August 6th, he got drunk at a town festival. He told me he didn't actually like being out and being sociable, and then he wanted to go to a movie with me. We went to Suicide Squad. After the movie, he was being flirtatious and playful; pinching at my butt and stuff. Driving home he started to play music, saying he was picking out songs he thought I'd like. After a few funny songs, he said he had one that he thought I would like but it was sad. I said that was okay, and he played "Places to Rest" by Riki Lindhome of Garfunkel and Oates. For those who don't know it, the lyrics go "Tonight, of all the places to rest//I like your arms the best//And I know when we're through//I'm really gonna miss you". He also played "And the World Turned" by Gabe Dixon Band, chorus goes "I miss you, come back to me". He was crying listening to these songs and reached out to hold my hand. I let him. Of course the next morning he made a point of calling me "roomie" and saying "thanks for putting up with your drunk ex last night".
Then last Friday, September 3rd, I carefully invited him to watch a show with me. I said I was going to watch it, and he could join me if he wanted. He said he would. We watched Stranger Things, and knowing that I would probably get spooked and want to hide on his arm, I grabbed my pillow to hide behind instead. When I started getting spooked and hiding on my pillow, he still reached out to comfort me, at one point resting his hand on my knee and leaving it there for a while. (When we watched the season 6 finale of Game of Thrones a few weeks prior, he had seen it already and knew which parts would scare me so he came over to comfort me during those times as well.) After the show we were talking a bit and he opened up to me just a tiny bit and told me that the other night he had been feeling lonely and emotional so he joined Tinder, and I laughed with him about how Tinder is lame. After a bit of chatting, I made sure to excuse myself from the conversation first, saying I had been up early and needed to sleep, and then said goodnight and walked away. He got up and followed me to my room (we're sleeping in separate rooms), and stood in my doorway talking to me for another 30 minutes. So, that felt nice that he sought me out.
There was another time at the end of July I had a psych appointment and I was planning on asking for a change of treatment as I felt what I was on wasn't working well. The morning of, I found out he had the day off and asked him what he would be doing at my appt time. He got angry immediately, saying he was so busy and why what could I possibly have in mind. I calmly explained I thought he would be helpful at my appointment but that it was no big deal if he was too busy. He left for the gym. After about 20 minutes, I sent him a funny picture I found on the internet I thought he would enjoy, and he responded "lol" then after a bit sent me something along the lines of he was thinking about joining me at my appt, did I think it would be helpful. I said, yes I really did as he knows me so well and knows my depression symptoms well and has good insight and experience. He then agreed to attend my appt with me.
In bad news, tomorrow is our anniversary and he felt like "checking in" with the courts to see how the divorce proceeding is going. He's doing it by himself, no lawyer, and honestly doesn't really know what he's doing. He still hasn't served me properly, he gave me a copy of the original notice but no petition and he didn't file an acceptance of service so my 20 days countdown to answer hasn't even started yet. He figured it out today emailing the courthouse so I feel a confrontation is coming soon. He left his email open so I saw it, but he hasn't talked to me about it yet.
Anyway, I've read DR. I still feel like there's more I should/could be doing. Am I doing enough of a 180? I think to go from no job and not cleaning to working full-time and cleaning up is a good start. I also used to call/text him a lot throughout the day so I've stopped that for the most part - I respond to him and very occasionally will I say something first, like when I invited him to watch the show with me. I'm trying not to follow him around the house.
I'm conflicted on a few things that I couldn't find much of an answer to in the book. I don't know what it means that he says he wants to stay friends. I don't know if the little positive things I see are actually positive steps, or him just thinking "we're just friends", or if I'm even reading too much into things! I'm trying not to, but I also don't want to miss out on appreciating the little victories. Do I go the "let's just be friends" route to re-establish a positive connection, or is that letting him have his cake and eat it too?
I do plan on calling a DB coach after I get paid this Friday.
Sorry for the super long post, it's been a whirlwind and I'm doing my best to know that I will be okay without him in the event that the divorce goes through. I know I will be. I know I don't need him. But I'm still so scared to lose him. I can't believe that 3 short months ago my life was almost perfect - or so I thought. And now...
Thank you for reading and any words of support or sympathy or advice you may have.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I think you're off to a good start. I think getting a DB coach would be good for you. The advice you get on this forum is often in conflict with the coach's advice, but you'll get it figured-out.
Good luck with your divorce busting; it's generally a marathon and not a sprint, so hang in there.
From talks we had in July and looking back before that, I believe I know most of the ways in which I failed him. Not cooking, not cleaning, not working, not listening, being needy/dependent. Not an exhaustive list.
Ironically, my W didn't do any of the things you listed and I was bitter and resentful towards her. She ended up leaving me and now none of that stuff seems important anymore. I've been doing all the stuff for myself now and I think if I would have just picked myself off the ground and started doing it my W would probably have started putting effort into that stuff again.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
My wife is divorcing me because I'm a psychopathic narcissist with delusions of being Jesus Christ, John Cena and Mother Teresa. I told her that I'm absolutely not a psychopathic narcissist and I've given up on the Mother Teresa thing (I couldn't stop playing with my boobs).
I echo RDS. However, it wouldn't have helped IMHO. She had started the slide. Housework isn't the answer at that point it's listening validating and saying things like what might help? Then doing those things. That's where we all fell down.
Those things you 'know' of. Are the things you need to work on. Consistently. It's normally really things like 'being there'......which incidentally I never got. I do now. My response was but I am home at leat 5 days out of 7 for bedtime for the kids etc.
She meant, being there to listen, validate and tell her it would all be alright. Don't worry. I get that now. But then they stop telling you and the sh!t really hits the fan.
Scabo, you seem to be doing great already. The Tinder response was grade A! Great move. Hand on the knee etc. Loving that.
Just keep going, being kind, not reacting and doing a few nice things every now and then, when his mood is right.
Are you sleeping in the same bed?
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
He did give the divorce papers to the sheriff, just got the knock on the door. Sigh, great anniversary present. I didn't say anything about it being our anniversary, though. I remained calm.
He just got done telling me about how he couldn't talk to some cute girl at the gym, and that he came to the realization that he's a "loser" and that's why he was always okay with it when things weren't going well. He didn't specify, but I felt like he meant not going well between us.
It's hard not to get discouraged when things like this happen, it's like such a slap in the face.
He has moved to the guest bedroom, did so almost immediately back in July.
I wonder if I should also mention, I forgot in my first post, we've been together for 9 years today and married for 7 in November.
Me: 29, H:28 Together 9 years, married 7 No kids BD/ILYBNILWY: July 9th, 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Csabo, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it is an amazing community to journal and get your thoughts out, with amazing people who pull you up when you need and also point you in the right direction.
I think the opinion is quite divided on wether or not to be friends with them. The first time I did this and reconciled, I feel our friendship is what brought us both back together, among my other changes. Personally, I would like to get to a more friendly situation rather than the angry radio silence pretend she doesn't exist situation I've recently been in. Essentially db-ing takes some perfecting, what works for some doesn't work for others. I think part of the problem if they friend zone you, is hearing things like his venture on tinder and the girl at the gym. Personally, that's where I would lay a boundary and say that you don't feel comfortable hearing that kind of thing. I think it's fairly disrespectful for him to talk about ow so freely with you.
You sound like you are doing good, I wouldn't worry about the early mistakes, we all have made them. It's how you carry on going forward, consistency is key!
He does sound like he is in a bit of conflict about his decision which is good. But try not to focus too much on that and build expectations, and don't allow him to cake eat. It's not fair on you for him to say he wants a d but then carry on being affectionate with you.
Good luck, and keep posting. You sound rather strong and like you are on the right path.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
