Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

So, it's been another few days, but today I was still thinking about STBXWH often and dreamt about him yet again. I don't remember the dream, other than the feeling that it wasn't a particularly pleasant dream. No surprise there, really.

No, Painter, I haven't put WH's drug use information before the court. I did mention it to my lawyer, but he didn't say much about it. I have no interest in humiliating WH, so I am just leaving that alone for now, taking the high road and listening to my L who says the money is safe, accounted for, and protected. There's not much else I can do, really.

All I know is that all of this is hard, even a full 11 months into the process. I'm moving on and forging a new life without WH, but I've had to let so many things go. I loved being married, and I loved my H, and I loved our life together. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, WH wasn't perfect and I surely wasn't, either. I am under no illusion that WH thought it was good, but I know that I did. Plainly he had plenty of problems with our M, he just didn't talk about it in a way that I either understood or was able to hear. I have come to accept that I will probably never be able to fully understand why things unfolded as they did.

All that is mine is to make the most of what days I am given, as they say.

So, in that vein, I was out making bonds with some of the new people in my life today. I spent most of the day with H-friend. Since it was too yucky outside to hike, we stayed indoors and baked pie pumpkins, made pumpkin pies with homemade crust, pumpkin soup, roasted pears, and a salad, then we sat down with her D16 and H and had a lovely dinner. It was a pleasant way to spend a cold and very wet day.

Saturday I'm going to press cider with H-friend and family, and that should be a lot of fun. There is nothing that you can buy in a store that compares to real homemade cider. State law here mandates that all commercial cider must be either pasteurized or treated with preservatives, and it is truly bland and unexciting stuff. Worse, it is usually a cider made with a dingle apple variety, so it has no depth of flavor. It's either real cider or nothing for this kid. Yes, I'm a cider snob.

Sunday is L-friend's birthday, and I haven't quite decided what I would like to do for him yet. I'm thinking a nice dinner and some of that cider we make! : )

I tried to contact my L with the estimates for home repairs I have gotten, but he didn't get back to me until after 5, so I'll have to drop off my stack of estimates with him tomorrow. STBXWH is supposed to get his own estimate, and then we're supposed to come to some kind of deal. I have no idea what that process will look like, but I'm still chugging, doing my part, and trying to take it a day at a time.

I didn't get home until well after dark, and when I went to check on my chickens - surprise!!! - the older birds were all present and accounted for, but the youngsters were AWOL. Again. I had to go find them, and, luckily, they were all safe and sound and up off the ground. Darn teenagers!!!

I had to give each girl her own ride back to civilization. Still, they are good and beautiful birds, and I enjoy them more each day. My older birds are molting right now, so egg production is pretty minimal. Only three of the 10 older hens are laying right now, and even then they are laying intermittently. I struggle to get together enough eggs to sell a dozen more than once per week. The few eggs the young ones are laying are teeny little things, and still too small to sell. Today I had a semi-patient customer waiting outside my door while I tried to scrounge up a full dozen eggs that were big enough to sell. AND he wanted more eggs, so I ad to tell him that I'd try my best to have another dozen for him by Sunday. Like I have any control over these birdies!?!?

So, any who... time for this camper to try to hit the hay. Goodnight everyone!

[SH_]

I pray that you can have a fine peaceful day today my dear sweet Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Vanilla]

How is Phoebe?

Checking up to ensure you are ok.

V

[Phoebe]

Hi there SH and Vanilla. I'm doing OK, just a bit out of sorts of late. I got an email from STBXH about his interest in working on a settlement to save legal fees, and the whole things just rubbed me the wrong way. Plus, any contact with him whatsoever is just too much contact.

I read his email and it just made me feel physically sick to my stomach. He wants to avoid my discovery demands, impute a higher income to me (to lower his support payments, of course), call our previous expenses "a wash" (mind you he spent thousands on his little love shack apartment and extracurricular travels), and then he tossed in a thinly-veiled threat about a property tax exemption audit that he can help me with if I am willing to "negotiate cooperatively", just for a bonus.

So, I wrote back (with the help of l-friend) that I expect STBXH to produce every document that I asked for in my discovery demand, and then after reviewing said documents, I would submit a proposed settlement to him. Basically it was a very polite "thank you for reaching out, but I want all the information that I asked for, and am not going to negotiate on that point, period." I will no sooner trust him to accurately provide the truth about his finances that I would expect him to tell me the truth about his many affairs, etc. He continues to labor under the misimpression that I am ignorant of his waywardness and am somehow less informed than he is, that he can keep pedaling his nonsense my way and I will continue to buy it.

In a word... Nope.

Anyway, beyond that, things are going OK. I saw my therapist today, and he absolutely stressed that I cannot trust a word that STBXH says. He agreed with my plan to not make a move toward any kind of settlement until I have full financial disclosure and legal advice. STBXH wants to settle now and avoid legal fees because he was ordered to pay my attorney fees, as well as his own. Prior to our court appearance he was perfectly content to be uncooperative. Funny how the tune changes when he has to pay the piper.

My finances continue to teeter in the balance. Each week now (for 3 payments), I receive a temporary support check from STBXH. It's not a lot, especially since those three payments are absolutely all I have after the judge locked down our accounts, but it's something. I have a credit card, and I am just going to make this work for a few months until the D is settled.

That said, I have a number of "one-off"-type expenses that I have to deal with, from car repairs to a new building project for my chickens, to my yearly home insurance policy, but I think it will all work out fine.

Today I bought lumber to build an outdoor covered run for my birds. Chickens don't like snow, so if they don't have a covered and sheltered place to go outdoors, they will spend the entire winter inside their coop, hence the term "cooped up." It makes for unhappy birds and a poor quality of life. I'm looking forward to providing them a safe, sheltered area to run around and play in this winter. It's an expense I wish that I could avoid, but my little friends need shelter, and it is my job to care for them. I knew I had to build this shelter when I bought the extra chicks, but that was before I knew about the financial constraints I would be under. Oh well. I'll manage, and my investment in this project now will give all my future flock members the shelter they need.

I apologize that I've been offline for a while now. I haven't forgotten this wonderful community. I've just had a lot of company these days, and I feel rude if I sit on the computer, tapping away, when I have a guest in my home.

I hope that everyone is hanging in there, and getting stronger every day. Hugs to everyone!

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, glad to see a post from you. I think you are right to insist on the disclosure. I had the same thing with XH. He had a range of businesses and said there was no money in them and he hoped we would accept that. We didn't and pressed for full disclosure of all assets.

Now, actually there wasn't much in the way of money in them. But I do have peace of mind that we went through due process. If we hadn't, I would always have wondered if he had a few £100k squirrelled away and the wool had been pulled over etc.

That's just how this process works - disclosure - information exchange - settlement negotiation. The thing is, so many WAS's/MLCers just want to jump to the last stage and be done with it all (and normally settle in their favour too.)

You're doing well. At some point you will get to the other side of this and feel greatly relieved to have your own funds and assets that have no connection to your H. I would encourage you in your circumstances to seek a 'clean break.'

Xx

[Vanilla]

Glad to hear you are getting along.

This process is tough enough without financial issues on top.

Everything you wrote about your WH applies to mine too. Word for word almost.

I am not as far down the fin process as you because the Giggalo has had to be dragged kicking and screaming into it and I am the one with the assets.

Chin up, you are doing great.

V

[Painter]

Phoebe, good to hear from you. I get that it's difficult to deal with this. It's one of the reasons I'm not doing anything legally, I just need to be happy and quiet and recover for a while. My financial situation is clear so I don't have to wonder about what will happen, and that makes a difference of course.

I'm glad you have a very competent friend to help you through this.

It's sad to hear that STBXH is so opportunistic. I hope this is all settled soon so you don't have to live with the toll this takes on you.

I think you can consider the building of the chicken hangout a therapy expense.

[Phoebe]

So, another block of time has passed, and things seem ok most of the time, until they don't.

Tomorrow H-friend is coming over to my place for the first time and we're going to make soap, bake bread, hike my land, and just hang out. I ought to be cleaning or organizing, but instead I just spent the last hour or so looking at photos from the last few years. Why would I do that to myself? I think I was just looking for any clues to help me understand what happened. All I got were reminders.

Nothing specific going on, and no response from STBXWH since I replied to his email. Except that his checks are late to me and to my lawyer. Passive aggressive behavior or just running late? No idea.

Anyway, I'm just having a sad kind of night. A bit of the old waterworks, a whole lot of resignation, and a sprinking of anxiety just to round things out. In just a few weeks it will be a full year since WH disappeared, and it still just hurts sometimes. Part of me thinks that a year is quite long enough to be over it already, but the rest of me can't help but think that one year isn't nearly enough to counterbalance the pain of losing someone after 25 years, particularly when I still can't make sense of the loss. I don't want him back. I want to move on, yet I still grieve the loss of what once was.

This, too, shall pass. That's what I keep telling myself.

Good night everyone.

[Vanilla]

Phoebe

I am here lurking and posting since March 2014, thats 2.5 years for a 4.5 R.

It takes time honey, for some long, for some short.

It just does.

And it's ok.

V

[Painter]

Good to hear from you, Phoebe!

I think it's harder to move forward and that the grief lasts longer when we are left without an explanation we can understand, or when we are treated with hostility when we feel we didn't do anything to deserve it, or when things happen abruptly and suddenly and communication is cut off. I'm sure there's other factors as well, but unanswered questions and the feeling of unfairness can certainly keep us stuck.

It takes the time it takes.

(((((Phoebe)))))