MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thank you all for the well wishes and support.

I was surprised at myself and how, I guess, calm? Focused? "Okay" I was? I only had a few times that the emotion would well up a bit. I was the first one to arrive (that's my thing), but saw H's car pull in next to mine as I was walking in. I just kept walking.I had dressed to the nines (black blazer, heeled short boots,scarf and jewelry, but stayed true to my casual nature with faded skinny jeans and a "dressy" t-shirt). Always look your best...Sandi's rules #13! Didn't even see him until the end when we had come to an agreement and were then meeting in the same room to make it official. I did alright...no one leaves mediation 100% happy. I spent my time shaking my head at the crazy L games and back and forth dealings, and realizing how much my L hated men. And later, how much of a drama queen H's L was. H's lawyer left immediately; she is very loud and seemed to be almost yelling when we were in separate rooms. She looked miserable when we met in the same room and was repeatedly putting her head on the desk and telling us she had to hurry and get to another appointment.. H looked..very handsome, but his eyes were red rimmed. Tired or upset? I had a hard time not looking over at him and as we were discussing things we kept making eye contact more and more, and talking to each other as our L's were busy posturing and we were better at cutting to the chase on little loose ends we needed to wrap up.

When we were paying the mediator, my lawyer left and H started asking me about our girls as we waited...what I'd heard they'd been up to and sharing what he'd heard. Then he was paying his portion so I hung back a bit while he continued talking to me. The mediator came in and remarked that in his 30 in the business we represented a rarity...talking as friends after our attorneys had left. I replied, "we have kids together" and H said "we don't dislike each other".

We chatted a bit longer with him and then walked out together still chatting, and discussed how to make things easier on the kids...holidays together maybe and such. He said he wanted to do things to cause as little strain on the kids as possible, but didn't want to hurt me. Wanted to make sure I wasn't hurt. I told him I'd be okay. He said "thank you" to me at least 3 times during our talk. I was not sure what else to say as a response other than "you're welcome" and thanked him back, kind of chuckling. The absurdity of the whole situation just added to the surreal feel. I then told him it was nice seeing him again and left.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I certainly don't feel done. I just kind of feel...like I need to just get on with the day. Sort of detached. Not at all how I thought it would go down. Just sort of ...hmmmm.

[Bee29]

Hi Ciluzen,

I also wanted to wish you good luck for today, but I guess it's late by now (I did think about you though). Now I'll just wait for your post how it went.

It's been a long time I wanted to post but somehow never manage. I'm on a sick leave now so will try to be more active here.

Did something come out of your meeting with the photographer? If not yet I hope it will! Like that you could stop doing this via your h's company. Though I do know it's not easy in art but I wish something will come out of it soon!!!

Every time I see your signature it pains me that your BD was on my 40th b-day! And it always makes me think that it was also a day when I should have realized that something is coming up in my marriage too (for the second time). Having b-day in the middle of the summer my friends are rarely around. So, if I could take holidays around my b-day we usually celebrated with my family or if I couldn't and the kids were with my parents, my h would stay home with me and we would celebrate it just the two of us before joining kids. Last year, it was a BIG b-day and my h decided to join the kids for holidays and left me home alone! I should have known... Anyway, enough about me.

I read your posts and see how much it hurts you seeing pictures of friends from your social group and the lack of interaction with them. Well, I can understand it's difficult but I think it would be more difficult interacting with them. I don't think they realise what the pictures do to you. They most likely don't even think about you looking at them, they just continue documenting their lives as they always did before. But I do think that a little clean up of friends is always necessary in a situation like this. And though it hurts, long-termly it can be beneficial...

The situation in which we are is quite difficult to understand for people who never experienced it. Me, myself, if you asked me a couple of years ago if I would stay with my husband if I knew he had an affair I would tell you I would file for divorce the minute I learnt about it. When I saw husbands of some of my friends how they talked to them and the hurtful things they were saying or if they were just withdrawn, not paying attention to us when we went somewhere together, I thought: how can she stay with such guy. And here I am... What I'm trying to say is that it is a lonely life for LBS. First you lose your partner, your dreams, the future you thought you were going to have, some "friends"... and those true friends who stay to support you they don't really understand unless they are/were faced with a similar situation. So, though it's difficult, it's just the way it is.

But you seem to be doing great. I hope it will continue. Some of your thoughts you describe, I have exactly the same. But we cannot change the past. And I did try the counseling and today I'm convinced it was a mistake. He was just not ready. He's still not. And may never be.

Hope the day was not too difficult for you! Have some cocoa before you go to sleep. I haven't done it for years but had a few in the past few months :-).

[Bee29]

Oops, looks like I was writing my post for so long that yours was already in.
You did well! I can understand how surreal it must feel. It may be a difficult evening/night though. Consider the cocoa :-). Thinking of you. Big hug! And you know what? I will have a cocoa with you. Going to make myself one just now.

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Bee, for such a nice post. I did have some cocoa before bed last night with you. I am somewhat addicted to anything chocolate, so that was a great idea.

I did go over to a friend's house yesterday. She had planned out a tapas style meal that we could graze on and talk. She had told me as soon as I knew when the mediation would be that she was putting it on the calendar and having me over afterward. Very thoughtful. We had a nice time.

Near the end of our evening, D25 called. She hadn't spoken to H since she arrived back from her trip and gave him a call. She said he was acting "weird" and then found out about the fact that we had concluded our mediation and would be D soon. She said he just kept telling her he was worried about me and was sad about hurting me. She then said she was worried that I was sitting in a dark apartment talking to my dog. Funny thing was, I was ok and told her that. Thank you DB friends and MWD for the coping tools and perspective. I know she was worried and very surprised and sad herself, so I told her that H and I had agreed to make holidays and events easier on both girls by not splitting them. She was very relieved to hear that we were able to talk afterward.

Now to see how work goes today...I think I'll be ok.

[ciluzen]

So, just another journal and venting a bit.
I'm ok, finally finishing my personal statement for my grad school application. Then just one more essay and the ap will be on its way. Yay! Not even due 'til January.

Then I get to concentrate on my next class and work on some paintings until ski season. Still able to hit the hiking and farmer's markets, so GAL continues. Grateful for those who have shown me what true friends are like.

Took my pup to doggy daycare 2 times this week. I think that the expense is a worthwhile one while we're in an apartment. Especially since its supposed to be a crazy winter.

Not much else to say.

I've been obsessing over H. I knew it would happen after seeing him again. Actually, obsessing isn't the right word. Maybe just having thoughts of him randomly intruding into my everyday life more often than they had. My friends, kids and work-mates wouldn't know. But ever since mediation, even though I'm focussed and "back to myself", I know that seeing him again and seeing his careful, concerned demeanor around me has me back to questioning everything again. How can he act like he loves me and cares about me while divorcing me at the same time?

I can't ask. I can't know. It blows. And all I can do is try to flip my mind on to something else and move on and wait for that feeling to fade in intensity again.

[Pax_luv]

Wow, Ciluzen! Preparing your grad school app already?! That's fantastic! What kind of program are you wanting to get into? I'm glad to hear your personal life is going well. Blows my mind to think that it's going to be ski season again already! Can someone please tell me where 2016 went? Eesh!

Re: your h. You loved him.... He loved you. I would hope that he would show some compassion towards you especially while divorcing. You're right, you can't ask.... Even if you did, would you get a straight answer? Just have to let him be and figure it out for himself. In the meantime, kudos to you for remaining level headed and moving ever forward in your life.

All the best-

[ciluzen]

So, Feyth, does this count as level-headed...or just crazy? I just got back from having a beer with my H.

My H was supposed to sign forms at our bank to take him off of our joint account today; I was going to go in and do my part later. On the way to my IC I received a text from him asking if he could call. Turns out, the branch near his office refused to allow this. They said I would have to close the account and open a new one, which I didn't want to do. After my IC, I contacted my branch and was told they had no problem, So H came right over and we took him off. We had been joking around at the bank and I mentioned I was going to finally use a gift certificate at the BBQ place in the same mall. I flippantly asked if he wanted to join me...so he did. We had a pleasant time catching up on family and such for about an hour. Then we left.

I'm ok. It was pleasant and short. How surreal is this?

[Esame]

Yep, that sounds surreal culizen, but as long as you are happy with it I don't see anything wrong with it.

It sounds like you are doing well, I bet you are excited for the postgrad course! I think if it wasnt for my course I wouldn't have coped. And I love studying so much that I will apply for a paid PHD as soon as the vacancies are advertised in March. If I could afford it I would never work, I would study and volunteer indefinitely..

[ciluzen]

I'm sort of enjoying the fact that I have time to apply without rushing, as I'm sure a lot of people are who are applying while in school still. I'm trying not to worry about not getting in, but I do have a plan B...sort of.

Esame, although I would say I felt good about my having a beer with H, it also put him back into the forefront of my mind again. These interactions, especially the positive one's where we both are enjoying each other's company, create big questions in my head. He is very comfortable with women now. He wasn't so much when we first got married, back when he told me men and women couldn't be friends. Now he is perfectly comfortable with doing things with women. I know he went to an event this past weekend with a female employee who I know he has no interest in. I actually hang out with her more than he does and talk to her more (outside of work). I guess part of my fixating on him after our encounter is wondering where that leaves me (even though I know its pointless). What is that encounter to him? Why did he say yes to my over-the-shoulder, flippant offer to join me?

The other reason I'm cycling my thoughts about him is due to some things with my kids. My D26 (now) had her birthday last week. He chose to attend two events (one within a few blocks of her home, an hour away from our town), but couldn't find the time to do any thing with her. I spent a few times with her during the week and got a sense that she was upset with him. Hopefully he sees her this week?

Also, in talking to D24, I found out that he had included her years ago in an activity in which he picked up Bubbles and her kids and had specifically asked D24 not to tell me because I'd be mad. She apparently looked at him and asked him if he was asking her to lie to me. He then said I suppose I can't ask you to do that. I think he told me eventually, but it just got me thinking about how often I was not told of his times with Bubbles. All of the secrets. Who does that? And allows others in on it (her kids, people who they ran into in public). How could they think that was ok? Well, probably because no one confronted them, except me...telling him...over and over. So I'm the bad guy.

I'm getting better, but it just makes me go hmmm. Why do I get punished for being loyal and loving and honoring my marriage (and H) by defending his cheating. Even if everything just points to an EA, its still wrong wrong wrong! Ugh. here I go getting myself mad again.

[Bee29]

Wow, beer with h?
I can understand what those nice moments are doing to you afterwards. It's the same for me. I guess, the time will change things but now it's still fresh. And actually, sometimes I doubt that with the time passing it will leave me cold. I think it will get easier, yes, but it will always be there. All those questions...

I'm sorry you are discovering his lies from years ago. Even if it happened years ago it still hurts, doesn't it?

Well, stay strong! And get some more cocoa .