The ring situation is something that you need to decide. If you feel comfortable w/it on, then I would leave it on. After all, you are still married. To me, wearing your ring is not clingy, it states that you believe in your marriage and are honoring your vows in spite of what he is doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I decided to keep my ring on. It's my ring and it is my decision to wear it or not, and it's got nothing to do with how he sees our marriage. Actually a few days ago I bought some other rings in case I decided to stop wearing mine but I still wear my wedding ring. I must admit that I did consider selling H's ring and the jewelry he got from my family on our engagement, but decided against it. Maybe the boys can have them one day. Or if things really go pear shaped and I need cheering up I might sell them one day
I kept really busy with housework today. The house is coming along really nicely. I "rebranded" the master bedroom into the family room, and told S8 that he is allowed to sleep with daddy when daddy is home. S8 always asks to sleep with one of us, so he is ecstatic. H was surprised I changed the sleeping arrangements and tried to say that I didn't have to. I explained I'm doing it for me, in order to have privacy and my own space. I've moved some more things around too, and I feel the house if more functional now. We moved here 18 months ago but there are still things to be done, hope to have everything finished by Christmas.
H was polite, he asked about my sister and he seemed concerned about her. I was calmer than last time he was here, I think I'm getting my anger under control a bit more.
I actually made a joke, when he asked where his clothes were (I moved them to the MBR because what would the point of his things being in MY space) I told him that I put them in a bin bag and I left them out in the garden. The look on his face was priceless. He must think I'm capable of anything. We did laugh when I told him I was kidding, but he was mortified for a minute.
Not much else to report, just wanted to say thank you to Job and everyone else on the forum for all the support and encouragement. Actually Job you'd be pleased to know that I'm going through the welcome post, and feel like it all makes so much more sense the second time around! I would recommend to everyone to re-read the welcome post often!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Today has been a bit of hit and miss. Some good moments, and a few bad ones. The things I'm unhappy about the most is that he is till still feels the need to say whatever horrible thing comes to his head. For example this morning after doing the kids breakfasts and everything I was in a hurry to go to my diet club and said sorry for the kitchen (it was ok, just not immaculate) and he said "it's okay, I'm used to it". I saw red. I shouldn't, but I did. I'm not a tidy person but since we've been having issues I made sure to have the house almost perfect most of the time. I do all the household chores anyway, so what gives him the right to define himself as a visitor first and then comment on the tidiness of the place? I turned back and put the things away, I don't want to owe him any favours. Came back from my group and he hadn't put any of his things away and hadn't started the dishwasher! I felt like saying something but kept the duct tape in place instead. I don't want to allow myself to be hooked to his negativity but I don't understand why he is being so...weird! I think I need to lower my expectations even more! I should approach him as the "awkward flatmate" from now on.
I'm also annoyed about his contribution to looking after the kids. We agreed that he would be here in the weekends so that he can spend more time with them. Also it's meant to be my "me" time. I still have to ask for time to do my stuff, and all he does is look after himself. I'm just venting here, I'm sorry. I just want to keep things pleasant or comfortable home and again he is not helping.
On a more positive note the new sleeping are working better. I have space and he cannot "hide" in the small room. He is still doing his own thing but the kids are around too.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Well this is turning into an eventful weekend. Tonight at 10 pm when I was tired and ready for bed h decided to have a chat about parenting with me. Obviously I'm still angry, and still blaming him for putting the kids through this. He wants to know if there is some counselling we could have in how to treat the kids. Obviously I'm happy that he finally recognises that the kids will be affected, but I was not sure how to react. So I said I'll speak to our doctor and ask for a regeral. Then I explain that I already spoke to the schools so the kids will have support if they need it. I also said that I have done some reading around it and the method that works best is coparenting and keeping the kids in their safe environment. He then said why is to hard to get the counselling as he asked. Why don't I answer his questions. I explain that I answered the question at the very star of the conversation, and maybe the problem is him, and that he doesn't want to hear anything I say. Anyway, it didn't end well. He then wanted to know why the kids room is messy if it doesn't bother me. I did that it does, but that I couldn't get the kids to do it. I asked him to leave my room as I'm tired, because I was about to cry. I messaged him to say that maybe this was not the right week to ask me those questions, so soon after last weekend's talk and when I'm dealing with being away from my sister while she needs me? I did say that I appreciate his concern for the kids, but I'm not ready for those talks
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, I'm so sorry he's still there and not being very caring.
Why don't you put it on him to locate a counselor for a change? Why do you have to do everything? If he's not happy w/the kids' rooms being messy, then why doesn't he take the initiative and speak to the children about it and help them clean it up? After all, he wants to co-parent and this is all part of co-parenting and not just play time w/them.
Maybe it is time to turn the tables just a bit and plant the seed that if he is truly sincere about counseling, maybe he should be the one locating a counselor since you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, i.e., your sister's situation.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job it's not that he is simply not caring, it feels like his attitude is becoming worse every day, or that his MLC has accelerated? It's insane, surely now that he made his position clear he should work on our co parenting or friendship or whatever it is that people are meant to do after they separate? At the end of the day, if he doesn't want to be my husband why does he think I should put up with his insanity when I'm doing him a favour by allowing him to be here whenever he wants and for as long as he wants? I know my motivation is for the kids to have as little disruption in their day to day life as possible, but I'm being really easy on him, no demands, no limitations nothing. I think I really need to set some boundaries now, because when he makes me as angry and he hurts me as much as yesterday that affects my behaviour towards him AND the kids, and it is definitely not helping the DBing at all.
When I woke up today I was in a terrible state. I could not stop crying, thankfully it was very early and the kids and H were still in bed. I composed myself by the time they woke up, and planned to work in the garage (decluttering) so that I would not have to face his moody highness. It was a busy morning in the house though, and I managed to stay and be ok. H did some DIY, and was pretty normal. We got loads done, and no more crazy, rude requests on his part. I went for a lovely run and then he went back to his bachelor pad. To say I'm relieved he is gone would be the understatement of the century. We had a nice chat about exercise supplements before he left, probably the most normal he's been all weekend.
I don't know how to get through to him. Not any R talks, just normal "flatmate agreement" stuff. I don't want a talk that would turn uncomfortable, I actually want the opposite. A guarantee that there will be as little of his insulting attitude towards me, because it affects the environment our kids grow up in. Maybe in a few weeks I will be ready to deal with his cr@p though, so maybe I should just hung in there? I don't know!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Esame, sorry to hear your weekend was rough. I don't have much to say but I'm in a somewhat similar situation although it sounds like my w is much better to deal with. I hope your h gets better to be around when he is over. How is he with the kids? Sometimes my w will be short with me then turn and be super nice with the kids. I just try to act the same as if there was nothing wrong and she usually gets better. There are lots of times when I have to remind myself about trying to be a friend and person w would be stupid to leave and just let things slide and/or go do something for a few minutes. When I listen to her I can see how lost she can be at times. Sometimes I really enjoy her being here but there are other times when it's tough. I wish I had better input but maybe try to be patient and see if his attitude changes. Glad you could get a run in before he left. take care!
Esame, I'm so sorry your weekend turned out the way it did. I suspect that your h has moved deeper into his crisis if his attitude is becoming worse. It could be that he really doesn't want to talk to you about normal "flatmate agreement stuff". He wants to do his own thing and not have any responsibilities or accountability right now. To him, talking about such stuff is like "ball and chain" talks and he just wants to be a Disney dad and just enjoy his time w/his kids. I know you want to nail things down, but you can't do that w/a person in crisis.
The more you try to have rational and common sense talks w/him, the more he's going to show attitude and get ugly. Right now, he just doesn't want to hear it and you trying to have these talks w/him is maybe reminding him of his mother. He's a teenager in a grown man's body right now and he doesn't see things the same way that you do. Maybe he feels that he needs to have this attitude in order to get you to back off and leave him alone. It could be that he does still have a soft spot for you and the only way to get through the times around you is to cop an attitude. After all, in his mind, you and the relationship are the problem and why he is so unhappy. No one really knows what goes through their heads, but I am going to suggest that you cease trying to get him to listen to you about "flatmate" stuff.
There is one thing that I would suggest doing is calling him on his bad behavior especially when the children are present. You can do this in a very a calm voice and look him in the eye when you do so. Once you've stated your point of view, then leave it alone. He will need time to digest the info. Don't allow him to bait you into a heated discussion about it.
Again, I'm so sorry he's acting out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kyh thank you for your post. If anything I think he is better with the kids now. He definitely spends more quality time with them. He gave me those "proper dad" lectures (that I had to take with a pinch of salt) this weekend, but otherwise he is (as Job called it above) a "Disney dad". I think he actually realised that the kids will be affected so his solution to that is that I should find a counsellor that will give us the magic recipe on to how to talk to the kids about the separation and our future divorce. In his mind that is the only acceptable outcome, and he is not going to entertain the thought that maybe it is a mistake.
Job thank you for your support. I think my new motivational line would be "What Would Job Suggest" or WWJS for convenience! That would be used whenever the STFU smoothies fail me or when I find the Duct Tape too itchy...
So maybe I will call him on his rudeness next time, but I decided that I need to really chill about the whole situation and don't give him ammunition to hurt me. He can only upset me when I allow it, so I should ignore his parenting advice and wisdom and not initiate ANY talks other than the daily pleasantries necessary to operate a family. Usually I keep the weekend free for him to make plans with the kids etc, this week I will make the plans and I will have fun with the kids, and if he wants to tag along, he is more than welcome to.
I have been thinking that this sudden behaviour deterioration might be one of two things: either he is not happy he has to wait for his precious D, or he told the OW about the delay in divorcing and she is unhappy with him (or even left him?). I don't see why lose he would look the way he did this weekend! He looks older, and unhappy, and grumpy! He honestly looks ten years older, maybe more. Or maybe he is simply deeper into his crisis..
I also want to mention that in his defence, even if he called us "obligations" last weekend, he is supporting us financially and he is still paying for most bills. I feel like I should mention that because to me it shows that somewhere in there he is still caring about his family, just not in the way he used to.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Try not to mind read as to what is going on w/him. His appearance is typical MLC appearance. He's probably not sleeping well and the depression and stress are affecting his health.
Yes, the real h is deep within the person you are seeing at the moment. He really is very unhappy and hasn't figured out that he actually holds the key to open the door and clear those dark glasses of the fog. It's going to be a while before does that. Dig deeper for patience and try to enjoy your week w/your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
