Esame - I too vote you do not move out of the MBR. Outside of the conventional reasons: he is the one bailing on the M, you are the one still standing, etc., there are other valid reasons to stay put.
Your kids will be watching all this. Sad, I know. My kids are for sure watching. And my S13 is quite perceptive. The day h moved downstairs s13 asked why and I said h wasn't sleeping well and didn't want to keep me up. It was the best I could say. But h moved all his clothes down there and obviously now lives with a keyed lock! So that first day S13 said: so dad just abandoned you? The point is, think carefully how you want your kids to view this all. Plus whatever living situation you create may be "the norm" for a good while. Be sure you and your kids are comfortable. Make it the best home you can!
You have to present the picture of stability for your kids. I stayed in the MBR as I was the adult and it is often where my kids and I hang out!!! H is in the tiniest room of the house and every once in a while complains over his lot in life, despite the fact that HE created this mess himself.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I wouldn't move out of the MBR. I know you aren't sleeping well in that room, but you could repaint/redecorate to your tastes and make that space your own. Why make it easier on him, i.e., to be comfortable, etc.?
If you truly feel the need to move, then okay, but I think he's the one that needs to be inconvenienced...not you.
How did the session go today?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree that staying on the master bedroom would matter if H lived here, but as he is currently just a weekend visitor I prefer to have a space that the kids don't need to use rather than having the master bedroom. At the moment the family computer is in the MBR so I cannot just go in and close the door behind me, the kids need to go on and out all the time. The other room is calmer and more independent. I will however consider rearranging all the rooms around one day. Maybe swapping the rooms around or moving the children in the MBR? The dynamics on the house need to change to reflect the new "arrangements" somehow.
Job the IC turned out to not be IC after all! The appointment was with a "Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner" which apparently is someone that can help with mild depression and anxiety and they do that by directing you to self help and you are given work to do at home. It went well but she suggested that maybe I will need some counselling to help me deal with how confused I am at the moment about my relationship etc. I will see her every two to three weeks. My first recommended reading is about being kind to yourself. She thinks that everything I do or say is about protecting others or supporting others and that I need to do the same with myself. Funnily she mentioned that even my choice of work is altruistic which I never considered that way. I like her and find it easy to talk to her. By the way, she even suggested H is going through MLC.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I understand how you are feeling about not being fully honest with everyone. DBing is a tricky approach because it goes against what is the natural knee jerk reaction. As I'm sure you've read/ experienced, most people aren't going to be on board with the DB approach. They are going to want to fix "it" for you and offer their two cents.... Which may or may not be to stand for the marriage. I feel for you. Again, I hope you have a great experience tomorrow.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Sorry I was going to quote something and pressed post too soon.
Feyth I agree, my friends didn't understand why I'm still fighting. And my family will be devastated, not only because of a potential marriage breakdown, but for the simple reason that they live thousands of miles away in another country and they will worry about me being here "alone" without H's emotional support.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
HaWho thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm sure the kids will start asking questions sooner or later so I will try to come up with a better plan. I'm not sure what that will look like, but we clearly need to reorganise everything.
H looked after the baby yesterday so that I would go to my appointment, and he then told me that he spoke to his mum about our separation so they know. I knew this was coming but I am so upset on her behalf. She hasn't called me and avoids my calls, I'' not sure if it's because they just moved or because she is not ready to talk about it. It's crazy how his happiness matters more that anyone else's, he is such a nice person normally.
I was not comfortable around him, I need to work on my anger and disappointment.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
It's crazy how his happiness matters more that anyone else's, he is such a nice person normally.
This is something very similar to what I believe I have written a few times. My H is normally very, very nice. Would give people the shirt off of his back. Is well liked. Is still, when we interact, very nice to me. Those who know him very well, though, get a sense of his controlling nature. It doesn't change his niceness, though. That makes it easier for everyone to put up with the controlling part. Throughout this ordeal (can't believe its been over a year since he moved out!) I couldn't understand how the "nice guy" would be the same as the selfish guy who would give everything up without trying to work on it, would lie and cheat, all for making himself "happy".
BlueWave, over in Newcomers, had a group discussing a book about "nice guy syndrome" on her thread. You might find it and the book mentioned, helpful. I did. Its a good companion to MWD's stuff if you are as baffled by your "nice guy" as I was. It basically discusses how they are controllers. They are insecure and angry and feel they need to be extra nice to make up for how they really feel inside. Pair it with an MLC and you have a depressed guy full of anger and feelings of low self worth and failure who can't really control anything. So they dump and run...from us. And what we represent (pressure, responsibility, failure to have that "perfect" family). They still feel guilt for doing so because its not "nice", but they can't handle the lack of control over the situation. Its easier since they still care to just "be there" in spurts; hence the "we can still be friends" line that some of us get. But all else is just too much to handle right now.
Finding and reading that was helpful to me to understand a bit more. I wish my H could read it. I can't suggest it, unfortunately. It did help solidify my path as he goes through MLC.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ciluzen thank you for this. I found BlueWave's posts, but didn't get a chance to go though them properly to read on the nice guy syndrome. I'm glad the book helped you, it is on my reading list (which is ever expanding now that my "Psycological Wellbeing Practitioner" (I think I'll shorten that to "Therapist" from now on) gives me reading and things to work on.
A bad day yesterday, my sister had a scan and they found a very large Fibroid in her uterus and she is now supposed to have a full hysterectomy which will lead to a surgical menopause. She is in her mid 30s. I'm happy it is benign, and I'm happy they are dealing with it, but I worry about the operation and about a sudden menopause. I informed H that I might need to go to my sister when she has her operation and he was happy to look after the kids, and sent me a message to say that he is "sorry to hear that". Two things happened after that text. Firstly I was a little upset that he didn't think to call. Obviously that sends a clear message about his level of emotional intelligence, so I'm not dwelling on it. Secondly, I started typing a long reply about what it means for my sister, and how bad it is etc, and then I pressed DELETE and replied "thank you". If the man doesn't feel close to me to call me when he knows I'm struggling and heartbroken, there is no space for me giving him any information about my life and my problems. So I think this round of DBing finds me stronger! I need to read everything again, my plan this weekend is to read, exercise and relax in my new "girly" room.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I'm very sorry to read about your sister's health issue. I do hope that the surgery goes well and she recovers nicely. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Quick question: H is coming home tonight, the first weekend he is spending here since saying he wants a D. Do I take my ring off? I don't want to! But I don't want to appear clingy either....
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
