was or what 8

[Cadet]

hey cadet, do you EVER sleep?

Uh - Yes but one of mid-life's blessings is waking up at times in the middle of the night.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi roist, and welcome to the MLC forum.

Two years is a long time to work on saving your marriage. Since your wife is still there (and no OM?) I’d say you’ve done well. I and others are proud of the commitment you have shown and what you have accomplished!

I also see you have gone through some difficult periods where you considered throwing in the towel. Welcome to "Fighting for your Marriage" Club. First rule, no tapping out!

You might find it helpful to ponder some things you posted here a while back:

I will not give up on her, us or my family.

Looking around it is disheartening to see so many couples unhappy or splitting. For better or worse is what we sign up for. The way I look at it if we get through this we can only be better.

Why did you write these points, and how do you feel about them now?

Like you, I too felt overwhelmed when first reading the looooong running MLC stories here, and couldn’t bear the thought of this journey taking years and years. Thing is, it is what we make of it. If you haven’t already, you might consider reading Viktor Frankl’s book “Mans Search for Meaning” to understand how he made it through a situation much tougher than anything we are dealing with.

The key, I think, is to find a way to make this period easier on us. If we are struggling in pain we’ll never make it to the place we hope to be.

Like my wise friend T2 used to say, You got this.

[roist]

Z, hope you enjoyed the October fest, especially being September!!......aa man ahead of his times!!

Thanks Cadet. I had planned going back through those links so it is handy to have them in my thread.

Job, I do reread sandi's rules again from time to time. I bend one or two but otherwise stay fairly well within her guidelines.

ForeverY thank you for your quick reply and for taking the time to go back through my situation. You had to go back a good bit to find those quotes!! My initial reaction to them was a smile. So good choice. Now reading them I believe it is still true.

I won't give up on us or family BUT I won't live like this forever either. When I struggled I believed I hadto choose between those. Now I know I can improve my life within the constraints of my M. I believe I can live much better and it is on me to make that happen. One of the reasons I came here is to seek guidance/help to reach my potential.

I bought a CD book about being your potential. It was very good. In it the book you mentioned was mentioned. It is on my to read list.being still with my W, my private reading time is limited so I tend to listen to podcasts etc instead while I work. I will read it though.

[roist]

Mine and foreverY situation have been called low energy or slow burning mlc/crisis. Cadet referred to there being others similar.DDo any of ye remember similar situations? Have any run their course successfully saving M without separating?

I am rereading FYs thread from the start and those questions came to me.

[Zephyr]

good morning mate, hope you are well. sounds like you have been doing some deep reading and connectung some dots.

I love to hear that. what i love even more is hearing about you trying to figure out new activities to go and do, not just as a father, but as a man

[Zephyr]

sorry hit submit too early.

will have to catch up more later

[roist]

My not posting does not mean I am inactive. I have a lot on.my plate and I am getting through it.

Yesterday at lunch I had the choice of eating at home with W for lunch or a room full of strangers. I choose the strangers. And it went well. I was out of my comfort zone but happy to have gone.

I am working on a lot of stuff. I intend to journal more often. I think I may need some guidance but even just being here has helped me.

I have not mentioned my W here yet, so here:goes:

Last night she had a meeting. She came hone and gave out about how it was prepared, about who was there and after loads of other issues, about the woman next to her who spent her whole time criticising. Apparently such negative criticing people are hard to put up with!!!! I validated without the truth dart.

Today my boys were a handful. This is something I am. Working on and will.surely talk more here about parenting going forward. I am.educating myself and have some work to do. It is a work in progress.

Before carrying on I will emphasize that my W is a great mother and deals more with boys than me, mainly due to her working hours, but also she is very motherly.Anywaytoday we brought the boys to a new play area beside their school. There were a few others around including a parent we know. Anyway W lost it with my stons who acted up. The boys merited a reaction but she reacted mire about how she felt than how they acted IMO.

I will restate that for the mostpart W is great mother and handles such situations with great tact and technique, at times she overloads.

I will talk about me soon. I just wanted to take advantage of a chance to journal.

Best wishes

[roist]

To clarify the stuff on my plate is stuff to sort, nonR related.

[roist]

Rereading I decided to be clearer in my journaling.

My not posting does not mean Iam inactive. I have a lot on my
plate and I am getting through it. I am also still plugging away on me.




Yesterday at lunch I had the choice of eating at home with Wfor lunch or aroom full of strangers. A supplier of mine invited ckients to a meal but i know v little of them. I choose the strangers. And it went well. Iwas out of my comfort zone but happy to have gone. Usually I rarely accept such invitations as it takes a few hours out of my day. This time it felt right to go mingle. My choice was not about avoiding eating alone with W but more about me.

Iam working on a lot of stuff. I intend to journal more often. I think Imay need some guidance but even just being here has helped me. I don't journal a lot for many reasons. Mainly I don't need to. I may be missing out; n some helpful tips as readers are not aware of the little stuff going on. Maybe I will
mmanage to journal more as the interactions between posters about specific interactions/occurrences is informative and helpful .


Ihave not mentioned my W here yet, so here:goes:

Last night she had a meeting. She came home and gave out about how it was prepared, about who was there and after loads of other issues, about the woman next to her who spent her whole time criticising. Apparently such negative criticing people are hard to put up with!!!! I validated without the truth dart. I avoid criticising my W or her behavior. Is this the best approach?

Sometimes I use my version of a truth dart. For example we were not in agreement over something and she accused me of not listening and being stubborn. I calmly stated I heard her point, validated as much as possible and said it is funny that it is ME that was stubborn for not agreeing whereas neither of us agreed. I ended the conversation on that saying we could come back to the topic when we have thought further about it. This interaction was not recent but just an example of a truth dart I use. Any ideas to improve this?

Today my boys were a handful. This is something I am. Working on and will.surely talk more here about parenting going forward. Iam.educating myself and have some work to do. It is a work in progress. I have discussed this in previous threads and whereas I accept boys will be boys, my role as a father is very important to me and I am working towards being the best one possible. To a certain point I believe if kids do not behave properly it is us as parents who have failed to instill this. My view of parenting and my role has changed dramatically during this crisis and when older I intend to share my learning with them and ensure they are better prepared for married life and life in general than I was.

Before carrying on I will emphasize that my W is agreat mother and deals more with boys than me, mainly due to her working hours, but also she is very motherly.Anywaytoday we brought the boys to a new play area beside their school. There were a few others around including aparent we know. Anyway W lost it with my sons who acted up. The boys merited a reaction but she reacted more about how she felt than how they acted IMO. This was an exceptionally load outburst. I took one of my sons aside
and dealt with him calmly while W let off her steam towards our eldest. If he back answered I intervened to support W. Otherwise I rightly or wrongly
ttend to let W finish dealing with our sons if she has staryed. She does not give me the same courtesy but i am slowly changing that as I feel it is undermining.

i will restate that for the mostpart W is great mother and handles such situations with great tact and technique, at times she overloads.

Iwill talk about me soon. I just wanted to take advantage of achance to journal.

[job]

roist,

We understand...not everyone posts every day, all day long. You have a lot on your plate and it takes time to work through each and every section on that plate.

I'm glad you got out and had lunch. Sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone to help us move forward and do something different. I know you said that you were happy to go, but did you enjoy yourself? Did you enjoy mingling w/others?

I'm sure your wife is a good mother and loves her boys very much and I'm glad to see you say that.

When you are ready to journal, we'll be here to listen and offer advice/suggestions. There's no rush.

Take care.