Hi Cil, Good post. I agree with all you mention. its so crazy how we slowly but surely lost ourselves by wanting/needing/unintentionally conforming to our Hs and their needs/ neuroses/ wants. It blows my mind how these things happen, and until we learn otherwise, it's bound to repeat itself. Very interesting!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hello- hello, Hope everyone is having a good week.
Things are going ok in my neck of the woods. Just living it up!
I got two different pieces of news from two of my friends today. One was from a friend who is significantly older than me, and someone who I have confided in about my marriage, etc. She confessed that she "kind of" had an open marriage because she knew her h had cheated on her over a handful of times (successful business man who travels a lot). She didn't like it or support it, but she stayed with him. The first time she found out, he moved out for 9 months and then they got back together... Mostly for the kids. He showed a lot of remorse and that's why she took him back. For the sake of anonymity, I won't share the rest, but she did tell me that through a lot of tough work, she and her h are fully recommitted to eachother. He is all in and dedicated to be honest and loyal. I am so happy for her because i know it's what she wants deep down. I will also confess, there's a part of me that feels.... I don't know..... Jealous? Also, a little hardened.... Like how could she trust him again? Clearly, I'm projecting here.... But her story brought up some emotions.
About 2 hours later, I found out from another friend that her long term boyfriend had cheated on her with multiple women. Again.... It prompted a visceral reaction from myself.
Honestly, both of these stories just kind of punched me in the gut for some reason. The whole cheating thing just is so wrong, disgusting, disappointing, etc. it really bothers me how rampant it is. Ick.
That's all... Just wanted to journal this out. Sorry for lack of substance!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
This will fade in time ... I was right there4 too. Thing is as you grow and accept what happened happened ... there was nothing we could do about it but what separates us is how we deal with it. This is the same with "Cheating" ... I would first hand see someone married flirting/kissing/leaving with someone and my blood would boil .... over time I realized I am not the one to judge ... not my circus and not my monkeys. I started realizing the emotions were raw for me for the simple fact I was drastically effected by someone cheating on me. Indifference was the destination I wanted to be in not only regarding my spouse, but all things that would hold some sort of power over me due to what happened. This is healing ... its slow and painful but it is necessary for our growth.
Thanks Cali for that perspective. I think you're right.... In time it will fade. The best thing I can do is not place any judgment on it. It shouldn't take up any of my emotions or headspace. All I can do is just be a good friend to both of them. Appreciate you stopping by.
So it's Friday night. It's been a long week. I am officially home on the couch, eating Chinese food, drinking red wine, and watching "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a little cliche, right? Im going to have to have to catch up on my happiness class and then get some sleep. Tomorrow I will go on an 8 mile run to get back on track for marathon training.
So, H is off on a long weekend trip. I have no idea what he's doing or who he is with, but I'm trying really really hard to not let it get to me.
Have a lovely evening DBers.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I hope you are having a lovely weekend and that you really enjoyed your 8 mile run.
I don't have much to add around the cheating, but at the moment I would be more open to my H to be cheating or the open marriage option that calling it quits. I don't see it as defeat, I just believe that the cheating is not a cause of our issues but a symptom. I don't know how far my H and the OW have gone, it might still be an EA (doubt it) but somehow I feel that she is not the issue. Obviously things would be easier without her, but I would ne have the perfect marriage if she was not a part of his life.
Enjoy your run! You are doing amazingly well xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So it's Friday night. It's been a long week. I am officially home on the couch, eating Chinese food, drinking red wine, and watching "He's Just Not That Into You." It's a little cliche, right? Im going to have to have to catch up on my happiness class and then get some sleep. Tomorrow I will go on an 8 mile run to get back on track for marathon training.
This movie takes on a whole new meaning for me now. Hope that run went well and the ankle is better. When is the marathon?
Pinn, the marathon is next month. Too soon, but I'm ok with walking some of it. I'm doing it so soon because of the location. It's a special place for me and I have to travel there so I am turning it into a birthday trip, too!
The local marathon that I was going to run isn't until January and I don't want to wait that long.
Last night I went out with a girlfriend for a nice dinner. We get along so great because she's also into spirituality and together we are able to share our perspectives about the various approaches to life. It always fills me up when we get together. One of the things we mused over was the fact that through this journey, I've learned a lot about marriage and how there's no "one size fits all." I actually believe that infidelity is more prevalent than fidelity. I really do. I don't say that in a judgemental way..... Moreso in disappointment for what I still believe marriage "should" be. I guess it's like learning that Santa Clause and the Toothfairy aren't real!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi there, Just checking in to journal for a minute. Looks like h and I are going to have another divorce/logistics chat on Friday. I have this brick on my chest that just won't subside. Deep breaths. I'll get through it.
Just wish it still didn't affect me.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Sorry things are progressing faster than you would have liked Feyth. I don't know what to advice you, before my H's big lecture on everything that ever went wrong in our R I was planning to kick him out if he didn't agree to some sort of trying or putting some effort in our future. When he said he was done, I asked him to leave, but could not handle it so told him that he doesn't have to go (he stays elsewhere five days a week and only visits us for the weekend though) and that I will not give him a divorce for at least 1-2 years. Only because like you, I felt like there where stones crushing my chest. I don't know if I actually bought myself any time, I'm in some sort of denial (I call it my weird place) and probably not the best person to offer advice. Just wanted to say that we are here for you, and that I'm looking forward to hearing about your race next week.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
