Trying to detach - part deux

[Coly23]

The story so far....

Girl meets boy
Girl marries boy
Boy decides he doesn't love girl
Boy leaves girl
Girl cries buckets
Boy scratches head in confusion
Girl tries to detach
The story continues.....

[ForGump]

How about:

Woman marries man
Man reverts to being a boy

[hawker]

Hahaha...even though our situations aren't funny those 2 posts made me laugh...hope you guys are having a good weekend

[Altair]

How goes it Coly. Nothing to report here. New pattern of 3 days of nothing then a text "just saying hello seeing how you are doing". Then, three more days of nothing, etc., etc. Glad this long weekend is almost over!!

[Painter]

So Phoebe posted at the end of your thread pretty much exactly what I was going to post at the beginning of this one:

Recognize that you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, and I honestly think that this is one of the most complicated types of grief. Unlike the loss of a spouse, you have the added pain of rejection, and self-recrimination. You are grieving the loss of your ideas of the future, your dear friend, your dreams, your ideas of what your family looks like, the easy comfort of a long-time companion, and much, much more.

Grieving is a process, and one that you must go through in order to reach the other side. First, you need to acknowledge how you are feeling. There is no order to these feelings. You may be angry, then sad, then optimistic, then back to the human water fountain, and you can whip saw rapidly back and forth between those emotions. They are all normal and part of your own individual process. Know that whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal and let yourself feel it. If you fight the emotions, they only grow until the consume you. Feel them, let yourself cry or whatever, and let them pass through you.

This is what I've been doing as well, and what my IC says I'm 'really good at'. Not sure if that's what I want to be one of my main skills, but right now I guess I'll take it.

I think detachment is impossible early on. Putting pressure on yourself to feel detached when things are so raw could IMO be counter-productive because then you have another thing you feel confused over and failing at. We are attached to our spouses because we've been with them for a long time, and it's a long process to detach. We lose connection without losing attachment, and that is very painful.

What you can do, is accept what you feel but still work on your own development. It's easy to focus completely on your spouse and the relationship (I have that t-shirt), but try to make an effort to focus on yourself. In the DR book, you'll find the concepts of 180s, goals, GAL, and other activities and processes to focus on - I would suggest to do something every day that fills you with joy and peace. If you can't be around people, buy yourself some colorful, beautiful flowers and look at them throughout the day. Go to the movies by yourself to see a funny movie (it's a great way to get out of your head for a little while). Buy yourself something nice to wear or a big blanket, bath salts or new bedding, or get a manicure or a massage. Pick up an old hobby. Anything that makes you smile, laugh, or just feel comforted.

Those things fill your tank when you need it the most. It's like running a marathon, it's really important that you take in enough nutrition to handle the load on the body.

There is also a pinned post from the administrators here that this is not a peer counseling site, but a brainstorming forum. So take what you want from the posts you read, see what fits your particular situation - only you know everything that has happened in your R - and leave the rest. Hopefully you will find some of what we have experienced useful, both our failures and successes.

[Altair]

This is a great point from Phoebe-- there's a grieve element before detaching can take place, yes? I agree Coly and I have to grieve something, what is the order of operations here?

[Coly23]

Hi All thank you so much for your posts. I have been reading but have had no energy to post I am so sorry, I hope you do not think bad of me.

Phoebe, I do feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of our 15 years of friendship, our six years of marriage, the loss of my hopes and dreams, of my soul mate. So much has been taken away without even a second thought or a chance to make things right. I think that's the hardest thing not being given a chance. My D said yesterday maybe it was all too good to be true that we both found someone who was a great husband and father and now he has left us.

I had a terrible dream last night that I tried to hug him in bed and he pushed me away saying that I made his skin crawl and he could never love anyone like me. I did something against BD rules and texted him about it and he came back and said that it was an awful dream and I'm awake now so it will be ok. But all I could think was I wish it were all just a dream but this is my realty now and I have to accept it. But acceptance is so hard. I keep beating myself up about why I can't stop crying and why can't I move on but what you are all telling me is that it is too soon to feel that way and that I should go through these emotions and feel each one.

Painter, the pressure to detach from H is enormous and I feel in some way that I am not being true to myself. I know I am probably enabling cake eating to a certain extent but for me as a person maybe I need to let go gradually not all in one go. Maybe that is what is eating me up inside. I don't know. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone to H and scream 'I don't want to play this game anymore!'

SH- I know I need to pull myself together and do stuff for me because this wallowing is making it worse but I don't know if I am ready to go all out GAL as yet. I have booked another session with the BD coach so hoping that's going to help and I'm just plucking up the courage to book some time with an IC. In all my years I have never had to get this much help even when I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks just after we got married I managed to get through it without completely falling apart with no help whatsoever. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

SH, I also looked at the Black Door story, which you have recommended to others, and as much as I though it was great in demonstrating how we fear the unknown it was all a bit too hypothetical for me. I couldn't decide if I would have chosen the firing squad or gone through the door in all honesty! I guess what I am trying to say is a hypothetical example is going to get a hypothetical answer (as I keep telling my managers!) so I need to have some time to think how to apply it to my sich. I will also look at the Guy Winch stuff on-line. But I know do have a fear of the unknown, of my and my D's futures and of having to finally accept the finality of my sich.

H popped in again yesterday after dropping D off from work experience and I tried to keep my distance from him but he still came over and gave me a kiss. He says that he is happy with our arrangement to see each other as a family once week and was I ok with leaving it like this for the moment. I don't know I just wish I wasn't so weak .... :0(

[Cherry]

Some great advise from painter there. I read that and shall take it on board myself. Although I'm trying my best to do these things, I think I too am putting a lot of pressure on me to detach and beating myself up for grieving. But they are right, and you are right. We are grieving a lot, it's like we haven't had a chance to put it right.

I often think this process is more difficult than being widowed. As we are ultimately dealing with rejection too, which from the person you hold dearest, it kills.

It's a process, and so long as we keep doing something for us, we will hopefully get our minds into a better place.

[Painter]

I wanted to continue my train of thought a little (sorry if I'm rambling, I haven't had my coffee yet) - to add that once we acknowledge these feelings, accept them and let them happen, it doesn't mean we have to act them out with our partners. I don't think we need to hide everything - I believe that telling your partner if they open the door for you to share, that 'yes, I'm sad and scared and hurt, and I want us to fix this' is perfectly fine. It's saying 'I'm standing for the M' but not the same as crying and begging or threatening and bullying.

But I think Michele means that we need to take responsibility for ourselves and not sit and wait for our partner to change his or her mind and make us happy again. We can't be a one-note piano that only look teary-eyed and moping at our WAS (or glare furiously). They need to see who we are at our best to be reminded of who they originially fell in love with. It may not be enough in the end, but it is the best chance we have, and even if it doesn't work, we will be in a better place than if we don't do it.

Most importantly, during a time of rejection and hurt, WE need to be reminded of who we are - that we are independent people who have great qualities and that we are not worthless or defective because our WAS chooses to take another path.

Playing into that is the 180s - if we really weren't behaving that well, we can't insist that we were at our best in the M. I feel the 180s are about taking personal responsibility for negative behaviors. When the time is right, I think it's okay to say to our S, 'You know, you're right, I haven't been as loving/hard-working/supportive/financially responsible/participating/etc that I could and should have been. I need to do something about that.' Michele talks about showing it through action rather than words, so not to say 'I promise I will change', but rather do it because you yourself realize it's something you want to change about yourself.

Then you can put your goals at the end of it all. What do you want to see happen? Experiment with different approaches, there's no one solution that fits everyone. See what works and keep doing that. Be patient. Don't set a deadline for yourself, but review and make adjustments if it's not working.

It's crucial to have support in this time. I have leaned heavily on my friends, my support groups, my IC, my son - and they have all been very respectful of my choices and been there for me even if they personally thought I should toss WH in a ditch and set him on fire. I have made new friends and connections that I cherish, people who shared their story with me and helped me another step forward.

Right now, I don't believe my M will be saved. WH is living with OW and we have been separated since April. He has behaved absolutely dispicably. Our blended family has fallen apart and I have been completely devastated over it.

But thanks to Michele's techniques, I learned how to find support, how to find sources of joy in the middle of grief, how to pull myself up by the hairs of my neck, how to review my own behavior without beating myself up or taking responsibility for WH's choices, and even though I have also failed miserably at DB'ing at times, ultimately, I feel that I am better off than WH. Yes, he has our home, his income, a partner, and I'm living with my son, struggling with health issues and a limited income, but I think I'm happier, that I'm a more whole person, and that I'm okay with not being with someone.

I hope this can be helpful.

[Cherry]

Painter, more words of guilt. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom with us. Although I am not the best db-er and I have made mistakes along the way. I truly believe that I would not be coping even slightly like I am now if it wasn't for this online community and mwd's work.

It's really reassuring that although your sitch did not go the way you planned when you joined here, you feel a happier person without wh.