Feeling Lost 3

[job]

Keep the focus on you. Things are changing...but very, very slowly. Have you heard the old saying "a watched post never boils"? I apply that to people in crisis and the lbs is looking for changes in them. Changes for the crisis person has to happen internally and we can't see those changes taking place. So, be patient and continue moving forward.

[srt]

Argh, having a bad day today with trying to sort out childcare arrangements with w during upcoming holiday.
W wanted to go out for a meal with kids to agree this - an arrangement which gives me no say in terms of when I get the kids. Also knew their would be conflict as w basically has started to make plans again before sorting out times.
I've refused saying we need to sit down and talk about this so it is not a problem as Easter and summer were.
W has not done this and now wants to play the "I'm being awkward" card.
She ended up saying she would just be taking them regardless. I did not react well to this and said that I would not be agreeing to that.

I'm so sick now of feeling like I'm second best in this. I've said to her we needed to sort this as w has some "dating" idea and I was unsure if she would want to do family days during hols.
Going to go dark for a few days as she has had many chances to get this sorted but so far has avoided it, tonight included.

Trying not to let this get to me, I'm just annoyed at her selfishness. Will ensure I plan some awesome days just for me and kids during holidays to make up for this.

[job]

srt,

I'm sorry that the childcare arrangements aren't going well. How about doing a calendar and both of you filling in the blocks so that you both know when and where and how to work out the "kinks" on childcare issues? Some separated parents do this and it's helpful to refer back to it if you need to.

Just a thought...

[CaliGuy]

srt

Selfishness and Entitlement are just part of this MLC thing. Sorry to tell you its just a part of the whole package and for me are indicators that the crisis is alive and well.

I can not tell you what will happen for you and your sitch as they are all different but I will say for mine the holidays always sparked movement as my W/STBW/Running out of things to call her ... is/was very family based and Thanksgiving/Christmas are the high conflict days. I pretty much give up Christmas as she likes to take S up to her parents and he can celebrate with the big family .. cousins and the sort ... Thanksgiving we split. For me the day does not matter as S and I celebrate our own way on our own time with new traditions and all.

Its hard at first, but know even though she may not show it its hard for her to ... be the rock and pick your battles but above all things put those little ones first ... they are whats most important during this time and will thank you for not making bad memories over what should be looked back on as good times.

[srt]

I'm just pissed as I have said all along we need to arrange when we have them in advance so we can both make plans. She then fails to do this despite me mentioning it every time hols come up in conversation.
Fed up of feeling like a doormat on this. No one is ever going to be able to get what they want in the holidays every time but it feels like I'm always getting the dregs...

[CaliGuy]

Get a separation agreement done up, protect your rights as a parent .... Spew will come but just keep your eyes focused on what's important

[srt]

Another check in folk.

This has been a very tough week. W accusing me of being awkward over holiday arrangements - W unable to understand that what she wants or says is what has to happen for hols.

Finally got it arranged after 2 terrible phonecalls and having to go round to hers. The spew and insults thrown around though make me wish I hadn't bothered and just left it, however I thought it would be best just to get it arranged.

Cue now W being distant and b@tchy about things. She also doesn't like it that "I don't tell her anything".

Wondering now how to conduct myself in this sitch. She has previously said she wants to date, but reality didn't seem the same as she was always reluctant or tired or ....... you get the picture.
She had no problem however going on a "date" if children were involved, especially if it was in my time.

I feel I have been dragged back in and re-attached (I know, I know) yet now really see she is still deep within MLC, prior to this week I thought she had been making some progress and seeing some sense, guess this just shows how wrong I was, or how erratic she can be.

I'm thinking now to step completely back and basically go as dark as I can with kids again. However I'm not sure if this is the right things to do or not. She has said she hates this, but equally has done nothing to resolve it, only words - no actions.

Starting to lose the will to save this too, I can't see her changing her attitude or accusations towards me since she has always seemed selfish in regards to children and her family with little time for me and mine.

What do people suggest?

[srt]

I should add I was talking close friend last night about this and asking his opinion and what other close family friends were saying and thinking. (friends which are on her side of the family - he is somehow related to me through my W side)

He said others were clear of the opinion she is in MLC due to lots of reasons - getting tattoo, moving out, more drinking, endless facebook "happy" stories, spending money etc.
I was asking him what they honestly thought, not what I wanted him to tell me and that's what he said. He said many simply said I'd be better off without her.

This got me thinking since it wasn't anything like that I was looking for, just some kind of reality check in that what I was observing was the case - just incase I'd gone cuckoo and was imagining or wishing things to be MLC. From the sounds of it I'm not the only one who thinks this is what is going on.

[job]

srt,

Sorry you had a rough week, but it's behind you now. I would suggest that you go a bit dark and only contact her if it's an emergency. Allow her to come to you when she's ready. If she contacts you, keep the conversation civil/light and if she starts to get nasty, say something like this "w, I'm sorry you feel the way that you do, but I'm going to hang up now. I will be more than happy to discuss things w/you when you aren't angry". You don't need to sit there and take the spew and insults. You can only control yourself and if it gets out of hand, hang up or walk away. You are not her whipping boy.

I know you are still trying to convince yourself it's MLC, but the only person's opinion that matters is yours. Everyone has an opinion, and sometimes it's not what you want to hear. So, be careful when asking for those opinions...it opens up doors that you may not want to have opened right now.

Continue to focus on you and your children. Going dark or no contact is for you. It helps you to detach and again, you don't have to be in the line of fire for her spew and insults. I wouldn't invite her to do things w/you and the children since she has her own visitation time w/them. Give her some space for a bit. Once she gets that anger out of her system, she'll contact you and act nothing has ever taken place, i.e., the spewing and insults.

[srt]

Hi job, thanks for the reply.

I suppose I was looking for affirmation of my opinion she is in mlc. As I've said before, now 1+year from BD I'd have hoped she would have made some progress in sorting her issues but I guess that is for her to own. I know these things take time too....

What do you mean by opening up doors? I don't think I understand the point you are trying to make.

You echoed my thoughts on contact. Prior to last week most of the anger and spew had gone, it was disappointing to have to deal with that again and I wished I'd just bailed out now by saying I'm not tolerating anyone speaking to me like that. As for the future yes I'm just going to act as if (although dealing with the hurt and anger I now have about this is tough - watch out my next physical GAL activity is going to get a roasting!!!)