Still alive, still need guidance.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Sandi and mowgli.

It only took a day or so for the high to fade. W did say she thought all feelings were gone until she came back to my house and realize the feelings are still there. And after that there really hasn't been any contact to just go back to doing what I do to let her contact me if that's what she wants.

As for staying at the oM house. He works away and so he isn't there for weeks at a time. And as far as I know she is actively looking for her own place. I will not make excuses for her because I agree if it was as bad and over as she said she would be out of there and staying somewhere else.

The rules you set out Sandi are pretty much exactly what I have planned if it ever gets to that point. And I myself have an app for blood tests too. ( had a alcohol fuelled night). So for my own peace of mind I want the test. Also if she were to fight back I have it right there to show her.

A lot of this is so much easier said than done. So my goal right now is to be pleasant yet unavailable to her as she has no right to use me as she sees fit. It [censored] to go back to being like that as we have been pleasantly getting along before the day she came over.

Since then tho she called me Monday night to talk about nothing really and the boys Tuesday morning and chatted with me a bit. Said she would call that night again and never did. I don't want to be a friend. And from what I understamd( with a grain of salt) is she saw the loss when she spent the weekend.

Here is to one day at a time again... Thank you all

[Tyler12]

Not a lot to update.

Yesterday was a crappy day at work and almost made me quit my job. My manager really ticked me off and I was close to telling him where to go. Unfortunately a change in jobs is not the best move right now as our economy is in the crapper and jobs are a rarity so for now I will stick with a steady paycheck.

Had a very small interaction with W, she called and left a voicemail on my phone.
The message started with her poking fun at my voicemail message, and told me she had found a house and she is really excited about it. She figured I would be on coffee break and wanted to tell me.

I waited a bit and texted back that I don't take coffee when I have the boys so I can leave work early and congrats on the house.

She said oh right haha ok.

That was it. She asked to call S4 later that night and I avoided the phone like the plague. She only saw S4 and heard my voice as I scolded him for taking with popcorn in his mouth.

I felt good that I acted as if and did not try to pursue convo with her, at the same time i feel like it was a missed opportunity to talk to her about something she is excited about. And to be honest I would have liked if she wanted to move home. That is something that may or may not come in time. Her getting her own place is a good thing in my mind tho. It gets her and my boys out of OM house.

So it has been bitter sweet the last few days. Interaction is small, and far between. I have a feeling like I should try and talk to her more, not at a level where I am barraging her with texts. More like a quick question and leave it. If she engages great if not. Maybe another time.

So here is my mind set right now and please comment if it isn't the one to be in. After Sunday's fun day I got too excited about possibility, my mind started giving me scenarios of what ifs. That has mostly faded, I know I am far from a place where we are piecing or even talking about R. And that could be a long way away. I do feel like with OM seemingly out of the picture that this is an opportunity I may should be utilizing. Not to pursue but not to be dark either. Any time I have approached her friendly I get positive reaction however I don't want to be just a friend.

I am wondering what to do with my interactions with her. I am not worried about GaL because I have become happy with my time here. What I am not sure about is if I need to approach her different. I could be wrong as I do still get spinning after what I see as steps forward with W

[Mowgli]

You will have others comment on this Tyler, but imo if you don't want to get "friend-zoned," you have to work on detaching again. Let her come to you with little questions and R talk. That's her job, not yours.

When you burn a bridge, you fix it, right? W burned the R bridge, so it's her job to fix it.

You have to back way off and show her that you're not her friend, you're a man and deserve to be treated like a man.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify, the STD tests are suppose to be on her!! The burden of proof is on her. Don't try to cushion things by offering to have yourself tested....if you are not guilty. Why would you take them, unless you've been sleeping with someone else? I've seen other H's do it, thinking it would go better with his WW. I really believe this is a step she makes in showing her willingness to work on the MR. And if she doesn't.......don't risk yourself by sleeping with her.

And, btw, this is not about you sitting home and waiting for her to make a decision as to what she wants. More than ever before, you need to be busy GAL, and not appear as if you are anticipating a call from her. And should that call come........the decision is up to you. It will all be on your terms.

So, she is back at his house while he's gone? I thought she went to her mom's.

[Tyler12]

Hi Sandi. I will clear things up a bit. I'm getting the blood test because I did sleep with someone. It was a one time thing and it's for my peace of mind.

Second. She never left OM house. And her mom is a 5 hour flight away. Her justification as weak as it is was that all her stuff is there and she was looking for her own place. Which apparently she found last night and is moving this weekend.

She was not as concerned about the abuse as she was about his intoxication around the boys. And picking them up from day care after having "a few". Which was news to me and angered me more than anything.

She has a lot of issues to sort out. And I'm not planning on being the one to fix it.

Since her A has apparently ended she definitely has been in contact more and more talkative. I avoid reaching out first unless it is something that I need like for example yesterday I needed the boys health care numbers for a eye exam today so I asked her for them as I don't have them.

She called the boys this am and she seemed more interested in talking to me than the boys.

I have a full day planned with the boys so that will be my focus today. And hopefully I can keep my mind off everything else, because as much as I didn't want to admit it when you said I'm toast Sandi. I feel like toast lately. Not like 10 months ago, still not good tho.

With winter coming GaL will start getting back into full swing. So adult sports will start up again and I will be trying to organize another if I can get people to actually come out.

I will see how she acts on Sunday when we meet to exchange the boys. No expectations tho. . At least as little as I can. It's easy to say. Oh ya. I'm good, but not telling the 100% truth about my mental state doesn't do me any favours.

So tho I would like her to run to me and embrace me. Or show some affection in Sunday. I am going to try my hardest to not initiate anything. Try to act as if and let whatever will be, be

[sandi2]

I think the biggest mistakes LBH's make at this point, is thinking that the WW will return to the M b/c the A ended. Which, it is way too early to know if it's really ended.

To answer your concern about how to interact with your W, I would say to step with caution. You cannot afford to really open up and allow her to see your true feelings......not yet. She is temp checking, and will probably continue temp checking as long as OM is away. She may, or may not, be considering returning home. IMPO, I think it's a good thing that she's getting her own place. I am very suspicious of women who jump from one man's bed into another's bed, and then rinse & repeat.

You understand that "if" she really ends it with OM, that she'll go through withdrawals, right? And, if she is not informed of how affair withdrawals work, she's going to confuse her cravings to contact OM as loving feelings. Don't underestimate how strong those cravings can get. I think in most cases I've read, that depression usually sets in during the withdrawal period. If she's serious about dumping OM, I hope she'll have healthy support. This period could last for weeks or months.

That leads me back to you. When you speak with her, don't show her too much excitement about her leaving OM's house. Just maintain being Steve McQueen cool (not cold). Some WW's get very skittish if they see their H getting excited over the prospects of her ending an A to mean she's going back to the M.

It's kind of a delicate place for you at the moment. It will be so easy for you to overkill when interacting. I suggest when she contacts you, to be nice but don't put any emotional pressure on her. Pursuit will cause her pressure. Every day you need to give yourself a pep talk about not pressing her. Don't tell her what she needs to do about her new place, or anything else.....unless she honestly asks for your advice. Let her do most of the chit-chat and you validate. I believe validation will be needed to encourage her to not fall back. Again, just don't overkill. I see H's here who overkill with the validation and the W KNOWS he is being fake.

If she gives you a place to say something encouraging, then do it. Just don't run tackle her to do it. Compliments are good, if not overdone. W's can see through those, too. And, women like to hear compliments about something other than their looks (not that they don't like that, too). I'm just giving some clues, while interacting. This is all considering she stays on task of moving out of OM's life. It's very important that you do these as though you are Steve McQueen cool, and not some desperate guy trying to get laid.

You need to keep your emotions and hopes in check when interacting with her. Do not take any of her chit-chat seriously. That needs to be what she sees in you when she's talking just to be talking. You are just laid back and being cool. Stay on guard at all times, or she'll hit you with something that totally catches you unprepared.

If she's crying, upset, or whatever, be extra on guard.

I will stop here, since it's gotten long. When we know more about what she's doing, we can give you more.

[doodler]

Tyler12,

Be sure to take Sandi's advice on being Steve McQueen cool. I chose to emulate Snoop Dogg and it didn't go so well. We'd already had issues communicating, and my WW didn't understand gangsta rap slang at all. In addition, my WW had been a cop years ago, so there was the whole racial thing as well. (When your wife is an ex-cop, you shouldn't ax her if she's dealing dime bags.)

Don't introduce additional variables into your marital troubles; go with McQueen, not Dogg.

[Tyler12]

Haha, I'm sure emulating snoop would get me funny looks as well. I'm going to have to do done Steve McQueen research first tho.

As for her own place all I have said on the subject was congrats. Today she called for the boys again. And was talkative. Again. Texted me she was having a hectic day. To which I responded. I want to hear about it, right now isn't good, busy with boys. I'll let you know when I'm free? I was busy and about an hour later I was able to talk so almost immediately she called and told me about it. I feel I was supportive and listened.

Took the boys to eye exams today. Told her they have good eyes as she asked to know how they did. Again called me to hear about it. I could t stay I phone because we went to Mc D for lunch quick and it was loud and we were eating.

Looking back maybe I'm being too available, yet I am not initiating unless it's about the boys

[Tyler12]

No idea if this is something just took me by surprise. W just added me on snspchat. We have both had it for a long time and I never considered adding her.

I feel like I am probably searching for anything. Yet over the last month or so she has slowly lowered the social media wall she had up against me.

Just something that happened. Thought I would share as it was a surprise

[trumpet]

Tyler,

Two hands on the pole, and don't even reel any line in... yet.

I think you're getting excited. You might just yank the fish off the hook.

I wouldn't post on snapchat. She's probably in withdrawls, and you're a safe copy of what she had. She'll want the real thing soon enough.

Lasting change means her coming to YOU. Wanting the change to happen will be a very big hurdle for her, and you helping won't put her legs underneath her any sooner. Don't baby step yourself - just keep posting, and know we're here to vent to.