The Fight For Self III

[SH_]

CT1118,

Just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing on my thread and the support you provided.
I read it several times and will refer many more times for sure.
Thank you friend.

[mulesqb]

Mega-GAL today. Six months ago I signed up for a volunteer service to provide a specific type of work to US Veterans. I just wanted to help - the nonprofit read my credentials and asked me to lead. Well, six months ago I had about jack and S going on since my W was out so I agreed. Today was the day for the service and it went about as incredible as things get! I pulled a team of skilled professionals together, pulled off the work, and did a really positive thing for both the public, US Veterans, and my professional industry. Felt so very very good to give back to community. Felt so very very good to give back to me. It is pure when the extrinsic and intrinsic selves are balanced properly!

And I made the paper, which is what I have called "mom candy" for many years. Mom's love that s__t. Plus my dad came out and helped, which was really cool b/c he is a pretty old, still quite strong, does not give an s how he dresses (which is funny) and he told me he was proud of me, which is not something I got a lot of as a kid. Great day.

Much respect CT. You truly embody Strength and Honor. You will be fine, no matter the outcome.

Mules

[CT1118]

Thank you everyone, seriously. I do truly appreciate. Mules, I hope what you said is true, although I believe it will be myself.

The thing is, going through the DB'ing, one constantly finds things they need to work on...at least I do. The surface stuff was easy - few extra pounds, wearing old closes, when was the last time you went out for fun. Then you have to dig, and you find lumps of coal, until you hit veins of coal. So you work on that. But then while you are down there, you are still learning what to look for, case in point...

I felt great on my own about this volunteer service for many reasons. Like I said, I signed up 6 months ago, a time when I was still 3.5 months away from finding the DB forum. I remember thinking at the time I signed up that I will not know where I will be in 6 months, but I just very well may need this experience at that time. So the newspaper article caught my S'd spouse's attention too - she told me that she was very proud of me and how noble it was, how she wised she could be more like that. It took me a few hours, but it clicked when I realized - the validation of a great act is deserved, there is nothing wrong with promoting yourself for creating great acts, but in my mind I was placing her validation above that of others, as opposed to a more equal playing field. I was really glad I caught that path of thinking in my head, know I know what it looks like. Goes to show - such things continue, and the road is long.

Thank you all again. What are you all proud of recently? Take a piece of the thread - its here for everyone.

[JRuss]

CT1118 -- like you I started looking about 6-7 months ago for GAL volunteer opportunities. I gravitated pretty quickly toward something in the hospital. It took a surprisingly long time to get through the application process, interviews and training, but I'm now able to volunteer (I usually go Sundays) at the hospital by going around various wards and visiting with patients, asking what I can do (non-medically) to make their stays better, etc. The main benefit the patients get seems to be the conversation even more so than what I can get for them. I feel so great (but tired -- I'm an introvert) afterwards, to the point where I've asked myself where the line between pure altruism and self-interested behavior is. Am I doing it for the people stuck in the hospital, or for me? And is "both" an ok answer (I think it is)?

[ForGump]

I've asked myself where the line between pure altruism and self-interested behavior is. Am I doing it for the people stuck in the hospital, or for me? And is "both" an ok answer (I think it is)?

I wholeheartedly agree.

One life lesson I learned early in my adult life is that it's arrogant to think that we are complete individuals. We are social animals that depend on family and friends, mentally, materially and socially.

It's OK for you to both give and take from people in need. Not only OK -- quite healthy.

I applaud both of you for your volunteering. I am thinking about doing it myself.

[mulesqb]

Wow, I read this thread and you guys are so much healthier than you think you are. I have the experience of knowing how it ends in D. My problem was that I was too caught up in the minutiae to be good at DB. I learned too late. But a funny thing happened. I liked, no make that loved the way my future was going to look. I was lucky. I was a man who was able to get full custody of my kids. And once I truly dropped the rope I was happy with myself. But let's be clear, there is nothing wrong with fighting for your M and your family and making mistakes. That's why we all ended up here.

Make your changes. But be true to yourself. That deep down self. Don't let anyone change your values or turn you into something you're truly not. I think DB is just helping you find the best version of you. For me it was too late to save my M, but when I got to where I wanted to be, that didnt matter to me because my XW was truly no longer attractive to me. And being around her wasn't weird for me any more. I think that's when you know the rope has been dropped.

I know you all can handle it.

Strength and Honor. You all have it.

Mules

[CT1118]

Wow, I read this thread and you guys are so much healthier than you think you are. I have the experience of knowing how it ends in D. My problem was that I was too caught up in the minutiae to be good at DB. I learned too late. But a funny thing happened. I liked, no make that loved the way my future was going to look. I was lucky. I was a man who was able to get full custody of my kids. And once I truly dropped the rope I was happy with myself. But let's be clear, there is nothing wrong with fighting for your M and your family and making mistakes. That's why we all ended up here.

Make your changes. But be true to yourself. That deep down self. Don't let anyone change your values or turn you into something you're truly not. I think DB is just helping you find the best version of you. For me it was too late to save my M, but when I got to where I wanted to be, that didnt matter to me because my XW was truly no longer attractive to me. And being around her wasn't weird for me any more. I think that's when you know the rope has been dropped.

I know you all can handle it.

Strength and Honor. You all have it.

Mules

If you are a new DB'er and you are poking thru the posts, you should read Mules comment and let it sink in. Sink,in deep.

[CT1118]

The fight for self lately has been more like fight for time. It's good though, all positive, all very positive. Son is having some issues at school, still new though. Work seems to enjoy rewarding the hard worker with more hard work. Wife and I still split. Dog is still little and black and today he smelled like a mule.

Somewhere in there though - making the optimal use of time after obligations remains important. I did actually watch some TV tonight, my son was the opportunity. Then we gave the little black dog a bath. S5 loved it, laughing "Daddy, [little black dog's name] is in my bathtub! That' so silly Daddy!" On the extrinsic GAL level too though, as in I wrote two blogs on management for one class and read a full chapter on trust in leadership for another.
Best thing today, a guy who works for one of the units I am in charge of won a major award at work today; I had worked with the guy's supervisor to get the nomination in and he got it. Cash bonus, time off, and a little internal press coverage. His face - totally unexpected. Felt good to see because he earned it.

So I do hope Newcomers read my threads, because I was where you are today and I am not where the older guards here are now, but...- how does the above tie into DB'ing? Well, I DB'd and I got a life, and the above is a snapshot of it from today and today was a good day. Not what you expect on day 1 here, or even day 60. But you know what? I feel different now, have for a while, because DB'ing is about you and your journey. Not there yet, but I see a horizon, I set goals, I am one day at a time. So yes, this was a journal note for me, but if newbies read it - know it may end up looking like the above; washing little black dogs, reading textbooks, eating a ham sandwich for dinner. But, I feel good about such simple things. I feel content in my own skin. You can get there.

I am taking my son to volunteer with me on Saturday. Not for Red Cross, but for an Arbor Day event. That's right, Arbor Day in October. The tree we plant will be the 28th or so tree he and I have planted together since he was two. Bada*s that my s5 likes planting trees with his dad.

[lt0402]

CT, it's always awesome reading your posts. You're at such a great point right now it's amazing! It's funny how it IS different now. When we all joined the forum a few months ago, everything seemed to be a blur of emotion, confusion, fear, etc.

Now, while not perfect, we at least seem to have gained enough awareness and knowledge to get through the day to day. Some of us (CT!) are further down the path than others (myself!) but we all seem to be a hell of a lot better than we were when we started this thing. I find myself very interested in seeing how things shake out once everything is said and done. It remains a tough path to follow, but that path gets easier with each passing day.

Newcomers can gain a lot of comfort from reading Mules and CTs posts above. Know that there is a point where you can manage the pain and even push past it. It's not as dark as it seems when you first begin the journey.

CT, great post and it makes me glad that you are finding so much happiness as of late! This pretty much encapsulates what it's all about...

Bada*s that my s5 likes planting trees with his dad.

Keep it up brother!

[mulesqb]

CT118 - All I can say is how great you are doing in the defining moment of your adult life. I have no doubt the next phase for you will be absolutely amazing. And I want to make clear I am not advocating giving up or anything like that. Just want newbies to lose the fear. If I had lost the fear I would have been MUCH better at DBing. When I lost it, it was way too late. To me that was the hardest part.

You have definitely lost the fear.

Strength and Honor. You got this.

Mules