SH, I wanted to let you know that I responded to your post on our parenting discussion in my thread.
And I'm glad to see you are accepting Phoebe's advice. I hadn't realized it until she said it, but she's right.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I felt empty with my GAL activities over the summer, almost as if it was just a show to the world that I was okay or something.... I have slowed it down as something was not...well not sure what it was not.
I am actually in a more calm and place of joy of late, but there is a dark shadow that I am trying to head off...
Originally Posted By: Jks
Maybe it's time to up the GAL ante, my friend, even though I have not mastered my inversion...
I remember feeling empty with GAL activities too, like a big phony just doing stuff for show so my ex (H at the time) would think I was fine and did not need or want him. But my heart was not in it. But after a while, I got started being stronger and really WAS fine.
Just part of the process Sh, part of detaching, part of moving forward. You are such a deep thinker, so introspective. I have so much respect for you. For you too, Grl!
It's nice to hear you are so happy and joyful when you're with your D6. It is NOT nice to hear that you feel hypocritical for giving other people advice and challenging them to share a post of joy. A BIG part of healing and growing with this process is helping other people. And you do that so well. Keep it up, eventually it will stick to you too
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Others sharing their experiences could inspire you. At worst you helped others.... . But maybe can help yourself too.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yes to the bambo story. There is another image on the net that depicts this very well. A guy digging a tunnel and gives up and turns back. Another swing or two if his pick and he would have broken through to daylight. In such a tunnel what lies ahead is exactly what has gone before with no sign of a breakthrough until it happens.
I am glad D18 is getting out and about.
As for W's crash I have two thoughts. 1. Empathy is a good quality to have. You don't need to justify it. Maybe it is against DB protocol to have reached out. But to me you did so because that is who you are and not for any return. So that is OK. I may have said you AND D are OK when expressing concern. That is in accordance with h best DB practices BUT becoming a better and truer to self SH, makes priority IMO 2. The first accident was her fault........unless the fire hydrant jumped in front of her car! A second minor accident indicates lack of focus. This is common in stressed/depressed people. Now she could just have been unlucky, but I would put money on her being in a depression daze. Most people can function in this state albeit at a lesser capacity. You cannot fix this but be vigilante about when D6 is with her. I am not being alarmist but thought it worth mentioning. Any direct interference from you will nor be welcome nor helpful.So unless you feel there is danger for D6, observe from a distance
Have a good Sunday
roist, thank you for checking in on my. You thoughts confirm those that I have had as well. I have been concerned as I know she is displaying signs of depression from what I see and is shared with me. I do have some concerns for d6, but only in that she is not paying attention to things. I know she loves d6 as I do...awareness i will maintain. And thank you for the vote of confidence on my decision to reach out to her to see how she was doing. I did ask how her and d6 were doing and then asked how she was as I knew she has had some challenges.
I think we look at a lot of the same stuff. The guy digging the tunnel is one I have seen many times and try and remember. Thank you roist...you have been a true support for me and I can not express my appreciation enough for that.
Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
It is so nice that your wife responded cordially to your concern for her health, even if she claims she did not mean to call you.
In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with contacting her to check if she was okay, as long as you did it without having expectations that something would come of it. I'm so glad your little one is okay.
Thanks RL, I truly no expectations. She went back to being very cold when I saw her at the pickups for D6 this week. I noticed, but did not feel anything more than I would a semi rude stranger on the street. But then tonight, I call to speak with D6 as I am missing her a lot today, and STBX answers... She never answers when I call.. She was polite again... Asked for money for an after school program for D6, but she was polite. But no matter... I will be forever polite to her, regardless of the reasons and always without expectations.......
CT1118..... Wow, your post has been read several times and has had quite the impact in my thoughts.... I am so appreciative that you stopped by and shared.... You really do know the demons dancing in my head... I could sense that without a doubt. Thank you so much.
Rose, I will swing by your thread again...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Maybe it's time to up the GAL ante, my friend, even though I have not mastered my inversion...
Yes Grl...we will discuss the ante and inversion progress for sure....
Quote:
I remember feeling empty with GAL activities too, like a big phony just doing stuff for show so my ex (H at the time) would think I was fine and did not need or want him. But my heart was not in it. But after a while, I got started being stronger and really WAS fine.
Just part of the process Sh, part of detaching, part of moving forward. You are such a deep thinker, so introspective. I have so much respect for you. For you too, Grl!
It's nice to hear you are so happy and joyful when you're with your D6. It is NOT nice to hear that you feel hypocritical for giving other people advice and challenging them to share a post of joy. A BIG part of healing and growing with this process is helping other people. And you do that so well. Keep it up, eventually it will stick to you too smile
RL,
It is good to hear that the emptiness is not just an issue I am having, bu may be part of the process....especially for an introvert like me.....
Yes, the feeling of hypocrisy.... This has been in my mind of late... Maybe hypocrisy is the wrong word, but something is not sitting well with me as I share and help others, yet feel like I am wandering in a place with nothing in it.... You are right though...I know that service is very important...and I want to be able to do it right.... Thank you RosaLinda for you feedback, support and all that you have and are doing for me.
Originally Posted By: roist
Others sharing their experiences could inspire you. At worst you helped others.... . But maybe can help yourself too.
Truth.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hey Howdy, SH!!! I'm very glad to see that you posting here on a regular basis again. My little circle here is shrinking a bit due to my time constraints, but I'm very glad to see my core peeps are hanging in there, especially you!
I will be looking for more signs of joy from you. Try new things and meet new people with the goal of creating a little bit of joy or light for yourself or those around you, but especially for yourself. You deserve a bit of the care you so readily lavish on others. Keep it pure and simple, nothing fancy or requiring huge effort, just find a little thing each day. Seek out laughter.
I look for and find joy with my chickens, while walking my fields, birdwatching (I saw two bald eagles on Tuesday soaring over head as I worked outdoors), hiking, talking to friends and my parents, releasing monarch butterflies into the world... None of those things requires any huge effort or challenge to any introverted tendencies I have.
If you want to stretch a bit, go to a MeetUp of like-minded people - a book club, or a running group, maybe?
I stretched today and went on another MeetUp hike today, and really enjoyed chatting with some new people. I hand't met any new people in a bit, and I thought it was time I did so.
Take it slowly, my friend, but be sure that you seek joy.
Every day.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
So much has been in the brain or on my mind or wandering around in my soul... However one can see or understand, this is what shadows and trains of thought roam the nether lands that are deep inside of me..... That being said, I must dump some of the chaos and randomness out or I fear that I will boil over.... Something just does not feel settled deep inside....
This will be simply my journaling and random babble.... No questions nor inquiries for help... Read at your own risk, as much of this may simply be useless musings and jibber jabber....
First, I have been in a conversation with a neighbor here in the community about emotions and feelings. Much good things were shared and perspectives that varied, but headed in the same direction. Good conversation and learning.... This post and my reply in the moment have cast a shadow over my thoughts and mood since...
Originally Posted By: SH_
Originally Posted By: BluWave
Thank you for stopping by.
I welcome all advice, feedback, thoughts and hijacks. I'm not great about posting consistently, but I try and make my way back and read up on folks.
SH, you are correct that not feeling isn't possible, as that would mean that one was just stuffing emotions, and they are bound to resurface in less healthy ways. I actually feel many things but what I mean is lately I don't feel much attraction and love for my H. (that was hard to admit and even brought tears to my eyes)
Like most of you, I want my M. I want my family intact. I recognize that it is also the best thing for our children and our finances. I appreciate the value of being with the same person over time. I don't think that splitting up and moving on to the next person bring people more happiness. I understand that people make mistakes and that he made a terrible mistake. I even understand how this happened.
If all of you in DB land came together and created a list of what the wayward would need to do for the LBS to find forgiveness and have success in piecing, well he is doing it. But, there is a big but. None of that is changing the way I feel.
I am trying to go with my brain and not my heart. I choose each day to do what I believe is the right thing. I think I can accept what happened. But, I just don't know how I will feel over time. There is something I know I will need and want in love. It makes me so sad to say this, but I just don't know if this will work for me in the long run.
-Blu
Blu
Reading this creates a swirl of thoughts and emotions in me right this moment...
I have had these same thoughts running through me with much frequency....
I have fought to suppress them... Shed some tears as you have just now.... Told my brain that we gotta get it and the heart on the same page... Tried to suppress the emotions... Bottle them up.... Tuck them away... and throw them out....
I have struggled with feelings of guilt, because how can I be at this point after such a short time.... My W, did not cheat on me, nor do anything to me, except leave in a big hurry.... I felt that it was out of the blue, but with each passing day I look back and see signs and red flags popping up for years.... Have I thrown in the towel so soon? I am still DBing...but is has been for me....and only me....not to bust the d....not since she left.... After she called me the other night, my d18 said I was acting odd...she asked me just out of the blue, "Dad, would you take her back? I responded so quickly, that I was in shock... I replied, "No." "She would have to do to much work for me to even consider it....." I then paused in my own state of shock as d18 looked at me..... I then said, "I'll cross that bridge if we get to it." "But for now, I must complete putting myself back together and move forward."
Anyway, there I go again, babbling on.
My point Blu, is that what you share is huge. I have sensed that you have hinted at this, but you have now expressed it. And guess what? This is your right and choice to make. He did what he did, and is working his way back, but as I read a recent post by job, one of the options is that the LBS has moved on when the WAS/WS returns to reconcile.
I strongly believe, that you are putting in the work and when the time does come, you will know it and you will be able to say with your head held high and all the confidence in the universe...."I have made my decision, and it is......"
Blu, there will be no shame, regardless of that decision. You have taken time, and put in the work, and even as he has done so as well, by him making the decision he did in the past, that means the next decision is yours.... There is no wrong or right, except, for what ever it is, that you deem is right for you.
((((((((((BlueWave))))))))))
Why has this cast a shadow in my mood..... Is it perhaps, because I stopped and faced a demon that has stood in my path for more years than I want to admit....? Still facing it...trying to determine how to defeat it....
My friend Blu has fought tooth and nail to do all that is right for her, her family and her WH.... She has put in the time and has earned the right to say out loud that in spite of all that WH has done to try and return form his horrible choice and most betrayful act a man can take....she may not want to take him back. There is no shame in this. Yes there are MR that survive this betrayal. But there are also LBS that weather such a betrayal and move forward in life without reconciling and not only survive, but thrive....And no one judges and most commend them.. I simply do not think that there is a wrong or right, black or white answer here.
But, this is not the shadow for me as I have not suffered this betrayal...... I have felt the pain it causes second hand from my closest friend, from those I call friends here and from others that were more than simple acquaintances.....
So what is the shadow.... The shadow is as I replied to my friend, I shared that I am at, or even past the point of wanting to reconcile.... My W did not betray me.... She simply left me.... WAW's tend to have some valid reasons for doing so.. Mine may have had more reasons that I want to admit.... I have not put in much time to DBing.... I feel numb to her...her actions...her words...anything that includes her...... And the impact of my D18 asking me if I would take her back.....when it has not been a thought for me for some time now...
Why?
Was I really checking out of my MR a while back? I recall vividly thoughts in my mind that go back years of not being in the MR with her because we simply could not seem to connect.... There were times that I entertained the thoughts for perhaps more minutes than I am proud to admit....I never acted on any of the thoughts....and I would always tuck them away and then try to do something to build our MR, because this was my duty as a H and father....
But did I do it because I loved her....? This is the shadow... My mind is not showing me this and continues to paint different pictures to present to me... I honestly think that my own mind has repainted history for myself that I am starting to doubt many things about many more things..... Grrrr.... The dull pain of emotion is boiling.... Tears today at random moments... Tears that I can not put meaning to... Tears as I write this now....
Would I take her back? No.. Not now I would not... It is a moot point as she will not come back...
My thoughts rarely go to her any given day, except when I get to exchange D6...
Now this is a dull pain I do identify... I miss D6 every moment she is not with me... But I feel myself adapting with the emotional habits of my life to build the wall..... in the case I lose the opportunity to have her.... Yes, this haunts me and my dreams... I can't stay living in this state... She won't stay living in this state much longer... What will the battle for my child look like? I can not think on this now... I can not allow worry and anxiety for this to move in.
My MD agreed to let me try and ween myself off of the AD's... Slightly hesitant, but supportive.
I must know if the numbness is the meds or if it is me... I must face myself now. I must learn the truth and understand if I was the one that tore my family apart because of years of poor thoughts and doubts about my MR....19 years.... I must determine the correct history, face it, hold the proper accountability and then build from there.
There is a battle to be faced and fought..... I must look myself in the eyes and know who and what I am... Only then can I shape myself into the person someone can love and trust.... Only then can I look in the mirror at the man on the other side and say that I am proud to meet him.......
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Ramblings of a broken man part 2- Still the disclaimer to read at your own risk...
So I am an avid runner. Everyday up at 4 to go for a few mile run... This week the runs have landed to inspiration, motivation and some tears as the mid beats me sometimes and take over the thought train.... I run with music in my ear and my taste in music is varied... My iPod runs a random track so the sequence is never the same... This morning it was as if a higher power took over the sequence and tried to pass a message to me... Bear with me as this may sound corny to some, and I am not exactly one to believe things of the supernatural, but the following are the tracks that played and some of my heads thoughts as they came through.... Emotions were firing, and my run was so brisk, that when I finished I was not even sure if I ran my normal route as it was all a blur.
Here is the sequence of songs.
Quote:
Nickelback- What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting on a lightning strike? Are you waiting for the perfect night? Are you waiting 'til the time is right? What are you waiting for? Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear? Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer? Don't you wait another minute here? What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top Believe in every dream that you got You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for? You know you gotta give it your all And don't you be afraid if you fall You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for?
Are you waiting for the right excuse? Are you waiting for a sign to choose? While you're waiting it's the time you lose What are you waiting for? Don't you wanna spread your wings and fly? Don't you really wanna live your life? Don't you wanna love before you die? What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top Believe in every dream that you got You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for? You know you gotta give it your all And don't you be afraid if you fall You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for?
Tell me what you're waiting for Show me what you're aiming for Whatcha going to save it for? So whatcha really waiting for?
Everybody's gonna make mistakes But everybody's got a choice to make Everybody needs a leap of faith When are you taking yours?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top Believe in every dream that you got You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for? You know you gotta give it your all And don't you be afraid if you fall You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top What are you, what are you waiting for? Believe in every dream that you got What are you, what are you waiting for? You know you gotta give it your all What are you, what are you waiting for? You're only living once so tell me What are you, what are you waiting for?
What are you, what are you? What are you, what are you waiting for? What are you, what are you? What are you, what are you waiting for?
Seriously!? What am I waiting for? I have printed the lyrics and will read them daily.
Quote:
Matchbox 20 "Unwell"
All day staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train And I know, I know they've all been talking about me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they'll come to get me Yeah, they're taking me away
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be How I used to be Well, I'm just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be I'm just a little unwell
Um, yeah....This is me... I'm not crazy...just a little unwell.....
Quote:
Ashtar Command "Deadman gun"
Your hands upon A deadman's gun and you're Looking down the sights Your heart is worn, And the seams are torn And they've given you reason to fight
And you're not gonna take what they've got to give And you not gonna let them take your will to live Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give And luck won't save them tonight They've given you reason to fight
And all the storms you've been chasing About to rain down tonight And all the pain you've been facin' About to comin' to the light
Your hands upon A deadman's gun and you're looking down the sights Your heart is worn, And the seams are torn And they've given you reason to fight.
And you're not gonna take what they've got to give And you not gonna let them take your will to live Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give And luck won't save them tonight They've given you reason to fight
And all the storms you've been chasing About to rain down tonight And all the pain you've been facin' About to comin' to the light
My heart is worn....the seams are torn...and I have been given a reason to fight My daughters I am not gone take what they re going me anymore....you can't have my will to live on...I have given all that i can give....I have a reason to fight on..... I am looking down the sights.....my aim is on a better and more fulfilling life!!
Quote:
Five for Fighting "Superman"
I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive I'm just out to find The better part of me I'm more than a bird I'm more than a plane More than some pretty face beside a train It's not easy to be me Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me Up, up and away, away from me It's all right You can all sleep sound tonight I'm not crazy, or anything I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me It's not easy to be me
Irish stopped by my thread and called me a SuperHero..... It touched my heart that day... But... I'm not that naive I'm just out to find The better part of me Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me......
Quote:
Imagine Dragons "Demons"
When the days are cold And the cards all fold And the saints we see Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail And the ones we hail Are the worst of all And the blood’s run stale
I want to hide the truth I want to shelter you But with the beast inside There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide
When the curtain’s call Is the last of all When the lights fade out All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made
Don’t want to let you down But I am hell bound Though this is all for you Don’t want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed We still are made of greed This is my kingdom come This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide
They say it's what you make I say it's up to fate It's woven in my soul I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright I want to save their light I can't escape this now Unless you show me how
When you feel my heat Look into my eyes It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide Don’t get too close It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide It’s where my demons hide
Demons..... Don't stand to close.... It’s dark inside It’s where my demons hide
Quote:
Nickelback If today was your last day
My best friend gave me the best advice He said each day's a gift and not a given right Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind And try to take the path less traveled by That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? If today was your last day (If today was your last day)
Against the grain should be a way of life What's worth the prize is always worth the fight Every second counts 'cause there's no second try So live like you'll never live it twice Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above That you finally fall in love If today was your last day
If today was your last day Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars Regardless of who you are So do whatever it takes Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life Let nothin' stand in your way Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day And tomorrow was too late Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past Donate every dime you have? Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above That you finally fall in love If today was your last day
I must live each day as if it were my last....
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind And try to take the path less traveled by That first step you take is the longest stride
The longest stride.........
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
