What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coconut]

ok, I couldn't resist contacting her, so I sent this text:

As a husband and father, I took on the responsibility of doing whatever needed to be done to take care of my family. That would include take care of housework so my family could enjoy activities outside of the house, take care of appointments to buy and sell our houses, do all the shopping and as much cooking as needed, and anything else needed regardless of why it was needed.

But I am no longer the man of the house, I'm a temporary roommate, i'll take on a fair share of responsibility, i'll do my part, but I am no longer willing to fix things for you. The reason I'm sending you this text is because I believe your actions are making son resent me, thinking that I'm being mean to his mother. This morning, I could have taken him to school, but you chose to, and I wasn't going to call my mom and ask her to go all the way to work because you made a wrong turn and couldn't figure out how to get him to school. I'm not trying to be mean, I don't hate you, but I no longer feel like I need to be there at your beck and call..

But your reactions like I'm not doing something I should be doing has got to be very obvious to him. I don't want to have this conversation with him because it's not his problem, I would do anything for him without question, but I don't want to involve him in our relationship, and I believe that leaves me vulnerable to him getting negative feelings for me."

[SH_]

Silence and smiles are two powerful tools. Smile is the way to solve many problems and silence is the way to avoid many problems. -unknown

"There are times when silence is the best way to yell at the top of your voice."

"Silence is the best way to answer a fool"

"Silence is sometimes the best answer."

"Work hard in silence. Let success be your noise."

"The wiser a man is, the less talkative will he be."

"Silence is the source of great strength."

"Much talking is the cause of danger. Silence is the means of avoiding misfortune. The talkative parrot is shut up in a cage. Other birds, without speech, fly freely about." -Saskya Pandita

Cnut- It is time for you to fly freely outside of the cage.....
Your words have no meaning for her.....
Why continue to waste them.....?

[SH_]

ok, I couldn't resist contacting her, so I sent this text:

Cnut,
Do you recall the DB principle about cheeseless tunnels?
Might I encourage you to go ahead and break up your campsite in this one.....
There is no cheese here....

Also might I suggest that you discontinue use of text as a means to simply get things off of your chest to her....
I know that you understand my point here.

Be well today my friend and remember, are you reacting or responding?

[Mowgli]

Dance like no one is watching... E-mail and text like you may have to defend it in court someday...

[sandi2]

I am with you, on this one, Coconut. I realize there is a time to be silent........however, when dealing with a WW, there are times you need to tell her the straight of it. Silence is often seen as agreement or approval. To a WW, it often means cowardness. It goes back to the disrespect and whether you choose to ignore it or address it.....and choosing your battles wisely. She is making snide remarks and insinuations....and possibly influencing your son. This also follows the day she expected you to jump in and clean up her mess, when the new owners were coming...... (and you chose to ignore that one).

May I remind everyone that this is not a WAW, nor a W in MLC.......she is wayward. Sorry, but to constantly remain silent as she continues to pick & poke at you (still showing her disrespectful attitude)....all b/c she is spoiled with you (and apparently others) jumping in and catering to her.........

Wheeeee.......well, I know I feel better now.

[Coconut]

and just to close the loop, here is her response:

I didn't say anything to son about you not helping me out. I didn't ask you to take him this morning because you start work earlier than I do & figured you were already going to be late. I have never said anything to Austin about you no helping out or anything at all that would make him resent you. To the contrary, I only say nice things about you because I very much want to preserve your father/son relationsip.

The only reason I asked for your help is because you are his dad. I wasn't asking for me & I didn't say a word to son about you not being able to or unwilling to take him. I screwed up this morning & I admit that. I took care of it. But I'm offended that you think that I would ever say anything bad to son. I have not and will not.

<<end>>

Cheeseless tunnels... no where did I say or imply that she said anything to him, only that he can see her crappy attitude when she has to take care of something. oh well, que cera cera...

on a brighter note, I wasn't able to get the apt. right outside my neighborhood (they weren't able to give a 7 month lease) so I went to another place 5 minutes away, it's got a great gym, and lots of places to have guests over and barbecue, pool, volleyball, etc.. it's a real nice place and is only $1,200 a month, which is unbelievably cheap for the area... I get the apt on 10/01/16, so I may just move in that weekend and get away from the disaster that is going to be her trying to move out by the 13th.

[Coconut]

Wonka / Sandi2 / any other vets...

Would you mind stopping by lostasf's thread and provide advice on setting or enforcing a boundary regarding his WW texting OM in their marital bed.. I put a summary of what's been said at the beginning of his new thread.

[SH_]

I am with you, on this one, Coconut. I realize there is a time to be silent........however, when dealing with a WW, there are times you need to tell her the straight of it. Silence is often seen as agreement or approval. To a WW, it often means cowardness. It goes back to the disrespect and whether you choose to ignore it or address it.....and choosing your battles wisely. She is making snide remarks and insinuations....and possibly influencing your son. This also follows the day she expected you to jump in and clean up her mess, when the new owners were coming...... (and you chose to ignore that one).

May I remind everyone that this is not a WAW, nor a W in MLC.......she is wayward. Sorry, but to constantly remain silent as she continues to pick & poke at you (still showing her disrespectful attitude)....all b/c she is spoiled with you (and apparently others) jumping in and catering to her.........

Wheeeee.......well, I know I feel better now.

I have learned a new perspective here from you sandi.
I apologize cnut for my misinformed advice.
I have not experienced your challenges, but I do learn from it as I have followed along since you arrived,
I thank both you and sandi for sharing.
My life long friend is 2 years into a WW sitch.
My friend argues with his WW about these types of things constantly and it just appears cheeseless to me, because they continue the same back and forth never making any ground....
She does not appear to have made much ground in being respected, and he has reached a point of calling out what I perceive to be petty things about her......

So please share with me, is text a good medium to communicate when setting the lines of respect?
When does the LBS know that he has laid down the lines for respect?
How does the lbs know when to make the point and when to back off?

Any thoughts that you cnut and sandi can share will help me as I am the only one he talks to about his sitch.
I am working on getting him through the DB book and into the forum, but meanwhile I want to give him valuable thoughts and wisdom.
He wants to save the MR, but he is slipping into the WAH mode, she has stuck around for 2 years....
Anyway if you have some thoughts, cool, but I don't want to take away from what you going through cnut, nor share thoughts of mine that are off track...

[Coconut]

SH, no worries.. your opinion was valid, as it was your opinion and you explained why you felt that way. I may have said more than I should have in my texts, so that may have muddied the waters.

I'll give a little more information as to why I did it by text. The first time she gave me snide remarks, my son was in his room about 20 feet from us, and the second time we were at work. Neither situation was one that I wanted to confront her face to face and create a scene. But I felt that it was important both times to know the reason that my actions were what they were, I want her to recognize that I am standing up for what I feel is fair and justified, and I don't want her to think I'm doing it because I'm upset or just want to be mean..

In either case, if we were alone I would have addressed my concerns face to face, but text was the best option I had in those situations. Prior to texting, my interactions with her in both instances, I stood firm, I did not mumble or cower, I said as much as I could without causing a scene and then walked away and ended the conversation. My text was just to make sure she knew the meaning of my actions (or in these cases, my inactions).

[Coconut]

Also, as far as bickering back and forth, I don't do that with her, these two instances just happened to be back to back days.

In the instance of the dishes, they've been piling up for over a week, every day I see them and it bugs me.. But I don't go address it with her every day it bugs me, I simply do not do them for her. I would have never addressed it with her (or done them) had she not made comments to me under her breath. For me, the line was crossed when she tried to, in her own way, reprimand me for not helping with the dishes or straighten up the house.

So my suggestion to your friend would be not to argue with his WW constantly. He should identify the real issues, what really bothers him, and only address those big picture things.

For instance, my WW still never goes grocery shopping, but I'm not going to just stand by and watch my son go hungry because there's no food, so I go grocery shopping. But when I go, I only get the things him and I like, I don't buy the things for her that I used to. I don't harp on her about not going shopping, she just goes without the stuff she likes unless she goes.