Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
for those who are unfamiliar with my sitch, I'll give a brief update
W and I continue to "date" but W is reluctant to call it this. She said she just wants to spend soem time together to see how she feels. This was after nearly 10 months of separation.
She says she wants to meet up, but doesn't really seem committed and is reluctant to make plans. However she keeps on doing it - I'm trying to ensure I'm not being pushy (v hard) and even suggests family things to do.
W had a major "breakdown" around 3 weeks ago (see last thread) and came round crying etc. She really opened up then, and putting things together really has confirmed for me she is in MLC.
I want to make sure I'm doing the right things, since she really did not like my DBing (in terms of NC and showing her what a D would look like) but so far does not seem to show the committment I'd need to be confident we could work it out.
Thoughts?
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Maybe she's looking at the time you spend w/her as just friends getting together. She doesn't want to classify as dating because it may up the expectations level and she doesn't want to give you the impression that she's softening up. You started out as friends and I would continue down the friends avenue for a while.
Are you the one that is always makng the plans to meet up? If so, turn the tables and allow her to do this. If she doesn't do it, then go on about your business.
If she's in MLC, it takes years for them to go thru the entire crisis. While she's doing so, work on yourself. Don't sit around waiting for her to call or meet up. Do things on your own and for yourself. When she senses that you are pulling away and living your life w/o her in it, she'll start to contact you. When she does, don't pursue her, just go about your normal day.
Again, friendship is the beginning of any relationship and that's where you will need to start at. Can you do this? Can you keep your expectations at zero or close to zero?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi job, yes I do feel what you are saying does apply - I just find the lack of any forward planning rather hard to deal with.
Due to a couple of reasons: it is hard being on your own so I do like to have something planned for my evenings. I also do want to spend time with W but I'm not willing to sit around waiting on her if I can keep myself busy. Hence I don't want to waste an evening and like you say if she wants to be with me she'd better let me know. I just want to make sure I'm not coming across as "rejecting" when the reality is I don't want to be stuck at home.
This evening I've just had an invite to a meal out - trouble is it's way too little notice as I've sorted our family meal for tomorrow so think I'll pass on this one but suggest we do it at another time as it's not convenient. I know I shouldn't be but I'm annoyed she has suggested this so late, and also that there is no reason why she couldn't do this any other night than the one I have the kids for tea.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Well another 2 days roll past and again I go through the full rollercoaster of emotions.
Went a walk last night with W, D & S since W did not want a late night. Walk was only 1/2 hour which was disappointing for me but I did not let it show and had a good time with S. W did not really make much effort to talk with me, which was a shame since our other dates meant we had a good catch up.
Tonight she arrived and then had stuff to say about her looks. She really seems obsessed about getting old and her appearance, this seems bizarre since I still think she looks amazing and my close friend has told me this too.
W seemed to go in the huff quickly tonight when asking about some item of clothing for D - I said we'd get it over the weekend but she went into complete escape mode at this and left within 30 secs. Not too sure what I've done wrong there but not going to get upset or dragged into it.
Wondering what the next steps are now. I have stepped back a bit and W is still suggesting we meet up but I feel like there is no progress to show for it i.e. no changes have been made. I'm loathe to start a chat about relationship since W standard answer to tricky topics like this is "I don't know" - infuriating!!! especially since she has had a year to get to bloody know!
Not too sure about why to post all this other than to say we keep having contact but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Also she is very limited in what she will do regarding a "date".
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Wow, this is a tough call and I can understand your frustration but Mlc will take a long time and she may be unsure of her decision so she keeps checking back--
I think because the confusion is in them and has little to do with us or the M, she may not get the answers she is looking for or the happiness she wants by either staying or leaving…
I think this process takes time
Best bet as you are doing,,take care of you find a hobby..golf, tennis ,yoga make some new friends get an animal take a class be a good friend to her but at same time create a new life without her since she is only willing to share a little bit of herself. she may get curious But most importantly, you will find other areas of interest to keep yourself busy and maybe a little less available-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi all, yes finding it very difficult for the above reasons - seems like mixed messages.
What I'm finding really hard is wondering how do I show my changes (since it's been so long since BD) if she is not around to see them. I wonder how much notice she is taking of me and my improvements (which I have done for me btw) and then panic.
I keep reading mlc takes a long time, and I know she is still having all the symptoms, but this is coming up for nearly 2 years of mlc behaviour and I'm starting to worry that this is it...... forever.
I know this is me focusing on all the negatives and giving her too much headspace, it's just when we are doing things on these "dates" I get the impression she isn't really that bothered about them.
Like I said I think all I can do is step down and see what happens, but this was one of my flaws before where I would rarely initiate any dates - time for a 180? or not since the feedback is not overwhelmingly positive?
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
MLC will take as long as it takes and we urge folks not to focus on the timelines that have been posted over over again on the forums. Those timelimes are just estimates/guidelines and each and every person will have a different timeline because their crisis is as unique as they are. I hate to say it, but two years is a very short period of time. I'm sorry.
She notices the changes you are making. She may not be around you a lot, but she definitely notices changes and she will not say anything about them. She can also sense your moods and pick up on things by your body language and reactions.
Here's a thought, instead of going out w/her sometimes (when she suggests it), tell her you have other plans and go do something on your own. When you are readily available, it tells her that you are right where she left you and knows that you will be there for her. Sometimes we have to change up a bit in the way we do things w/them. You can't be old reliable all of the time. It's okay to plan other things and leave her guessing as to what you are doing. It will not discourage her from asking you again...don't be afraid to try new things. If something is working, fine, but if it's not, then try something else.
Keep your expectations at zero. Try to remember, she's depressed and there is no "joy" in her life right now. They go thru the motions and might find some joy, but it is short lived.
Try to keep the focus on you, start GALing, and give her plenty of space and time to work on herself. The less she focuses on you, the more time she'll have to focus on herself and hopefully look within and realize that happiness comes from within, not externally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi job I really appreciate the reply. I just think I'm struggling since I've been doing these things for so long now but it doesn't feel like much is changing. Guess like you say I need to focus on me for a while again
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
