What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coconut]

Het SH... Maybe eating at me is the incorrect phrase to use... Maybe I should say "telling of her mindset"... Or something..

I have no anger or resentment... I have been hurt by her, I found forgiveness for her, but I'm having a hard time finding love for her. It is instinctual for me to try and protect her, I have to fight myself to stand back and let her make her own decisions. I'm a planner and have a hard time that she's not making any decisions on where she's going or what she's going to do... Geesh, she still hasn't packed a single thing.. I hate having to build short term plans to house my stepson because I don't know if he's going to have anywhere to go.

I am really having a hard time figuring out how she feels or what she's going through.. To be honest, the way she's treating this, I don't even think it has really set in that she needs to move. The things I've heard from others I don't see, other than that one late night text about this being really hard for her, I haven't seen anything to indicate she is sad about losing me, although she did seem happy when she found out I turned down the out of state job. But I don't know if that was just for sons sake.

[Ginger1]

Het SH... Maybe eating at me is the incorrect phrase to use... Maybe I should say "telling of her mindset"... Or something..

I have no anger or resentment... I have been hurt by her, I found forgiveness for her, but I'm having a hard time finding love for her. It is instinctual for me to try and protect her, I have to fight myself to stand back and let her make her own decisions. I'm a planner and have a hard time that she's not making any decisions on where she's going or what she's going to do... Geesh, she still hasn't packed a single thing.. I hate having to build short term plans to house my stepson because I don't know if he's going to have anywhere to go.

I am really having a hard time figuring out how she feels or what she's going through.. To be honest, the way she's treating this, I don't even think it has really set in that she needs to move. The things I've heard from others I don't see, other than that one late night text about this being really hard for her, I haven't seen anything to indicate she is sad about losing me, although she did seem happy when she found out I turned down the out of state job. But I don't know if that was just for sons sake.

You don't need to find love for her right now. Nor do you have to figure out what she is feeling or what she is going through. Just worry about what you are feeling and going through right now. If there really is no anger or resentment, or even this love you say you are having a hard time looking for, then let her do her thing, you do your own. Don't worry about her planning, don't protect her, let her do her things at her pace. If it effects your life, then speak up.

Did you maybe worry to much for her, plan and put pressure on her in the M when she was taking things at her pace, whatever it may be, and you tried to keep her up at your pace? Maybe now it's time to not do that anymore:)

I think you might want a tad bit of vindication. We all do. We want them to second think what they did, be remorseful, regretful, sad, even if we don't want them back. Our ego's are a bit bruised and we don't want to think our love was for naught. Which it wasn't, don't worry.

She may be doing what she needs to do without your help. She may have it all figured out. You don't know.

Take care of you now, and if your son is worried about having nowhere to go, I bet he will come to you. He probably would have by now.

[SH_]

Cnut

To clarify my thoughts on putting yourself in her shoes is not to understand what she feels per se, it is more to try and take her perspective.....
Perspective of you....
What can you see in you when you step out into her perspective....
True forgiveness can occur when we can see it from their point of view...
Again, we don t have to agree with it....
But if we can remove our perspective, ie your planning, your desire for her to feel a certain level of remorse, meeting your needs, then we can truely forgive.
And the forgiveness is for us, not her.

To sum up my babble here, a wise man on e said to me, "SH, honor their struggle."
In this simple wisdom, this is how we can take out all of the things you write about her in your story and set them aside, and know, she is in her own struggle and we can not know nor understand it, but we can honor that she must act and learn from it on her own.

Cnut I love to watch your progress as you have come a long ways and you have much more to go, I am cheering for you from the stands.
I hope that if nothing more the sincere support I send you can help.....

[sandi2]

Me - But understand the guilt she feel right now is overbearing on her,

I have to ask, b/c I am always seeing LBH's referring to their WW's "guilt". Why do you think she feels any guilt? Have you seen signs from her that looked like she felt guilty? Remember, she is into self-justification, and that applies to her friends, family, etc. Anyone who doesn't support what she's doing, she'll just "unfriend" them.

Sandi2 / Wonka,

If you see this, can you stop by lostaf's thread and make sure I'm on the right track with my advice?

Looks fine to me.

So I'm really not sure what she plans on doing, or how she's going to do it unless she gets the whole fire department to come pack her up and move her. I'm seriously thinking of borrowing money from mom to rent a two bedroom place so son has a place to go until she gets something, because I just don't know how it's possible for her. I've tried to bring up the subject twice, but just like everything else, she doesn't share info or ask me for advice, so I'm just going to stand back and watch the crash, and make sure my S is taken care of.

Your W will find a way, and if she doesn't......that's great! Do not pay for her a place to stay, Coconut. She will never experience loss or consequences for her decisions if you are there to rescue her. I know......you are concerned about the son, but she had that boy before you were in the picture, and she will find a place for him to stay. In the meantime.....do not help her.

Do you remember me making a statement about how it's like she's having an EA with the FD? Not in the sense she might have with one man, but she gets a high from the FF/FD. When she chooses it over her marriage/family/home.......there must be a payoff coming from somewhere.

[Coconut]

Sandi2,

As for telling BFF that WW guilt is overbearing for her, I think it was just an easy way to tell BFF to stop beating WW up over what she's done. I really believe that WW needs BFF to remind her of what her life used to be, and I don't want to see them stop talking. You think me and WW are hard headed, you should see those too interact. Anyway, I don't think she feels guilt for my sake, or for what she's done, but I think she feels guilty that it is causing son all these changes.

As for what she will do, I have zero plans on saving her, i'll watch her go homeless, or move in a friends house and have no where to put all her furniture, or whatever.. I have no plans on making it easier on her, and I have no plans on helping her pack or move (other than I am going to help son pack up some of his stuff since I'm almost done packing). My intention is only to make sure my son has somewhere to stay that will cause the least interruption possible to him, if she isn't able to give him someplace. I will not tell her that, I will just wait until move out day and bring him home with me if needed.

I rented an apartment that is at the entrance to my neighborhood, literally like 750 feet away from my house, so he would still take the same bus to school, still have access to his friends in the neighborhood, etc.. and just FYI, I rented there because I love the area I live in, I realize it is going to make me sad to drive there and not go home, but I can't tell you enough how great the area I live in is and I didn't want to leave it.


ok, so something that I've been thinking about this morning.. I've never felt like this, and I'm not sure what to make of it, not sure if it's detachment, or something unhealthy (I'm going to discuss with IC next apt). I literally have no sadness about losing WW, nothing, nada.
I find myself get sad when I think about:
- not living with son
- not living with dogs
- not getting to see the small palm trees I planted grow
- not being able to have family over to swim in the pool
- not being able to sit on my patio drinking coffee and reading paper

but when I think about not being with WW anymore, I feel zero, nothing, nada... I don't understand. I don't feel anger towards her, we actually chat about stuff now and I don't feel like I'm faking anything when I just chat, I don't get sentimental and have zero desire to bring stuff up. Other than enforcing my boundary about telling me about FF stuff (which doesn't even bother me anymore, but I still enforce my boundary), I don't feel like I have to make her understand anything, or feel sorry for anything, or anything at all.

Maybe it's just because I'm focused on logistics of my move, making sure I secure my apartment, figuring out when I want to move what in, planning my trip to the mountains with brother and mother (which by the way worked out to be the day after closing), but I just have zero desire to think about a future with her, and actually find it hard to do so. Maybe it's just today and yesterday, maybe it will change again, but it's how I feel.

I realized going to bed last night, that I no longer miss her, I no longer wish she was in my bed, and prefer it that way..

I'm just journaling, but it's incredible the difference I'm feeling now compared to 5 months ago when all of this started. I never thought I would amount to anything without her, I didn't know if I could even exist, and now I think that I am going to be better without her.

[lostasf]

Cnut,
I appreciate all of your help so far with my thread. I noticed in your previous thread that one of the areas you may be interested in is Greenville, SC. I am actually located in Greenville, SC and may be able to give you some tips/advice related to the area if it really comes to that. What line of work are you in?

[Coconut]

Hey lost, I'd rather not discuss my line of work, but if I do find something up in Greenville I'll definitely look you up to get info on housing. Right now though, I'm finding a lot more positions available on TN side..

[lostasf]

Hey lost, I'd rather not discuss my line of work, but if I do find something up in Greenville I'll definitely look you up to get info on housing. Right now though, I'm finding a lot more positions available on TN side..

Ok, My apologies for asking that, I can respect that. That's great though that you are finding some opportunities up there.

[Coconut]

no worries, no harm in asking, I didn't take offense... I'm pretty open, just wanna keep some anonymity..


So the buyers (of our house) wanted to bring their parents by yesterday to look at the house, so we set the time of their visit the day before. I no longer take care of all the chores that I used to do around the house, so I've been cleaning all my dishes as soon as I'm done using them, and I have been doing the other dishes every other time (I used to always do the dishes). Anyway, my WW hasn't been doing anything around the house since we stopped showing the house, she's let the dishes pile up, it drives me crazy, but I just leave them.

So anyway, the people were coming by to look at the house 30 minutes after we get home from work, so I got home, changed and was heading out to meet some friends for dinner and drinks. On my way out, she was freaking out because the house had clutter everywhere (hers and my sons stuff) and dirty dishes all over the counter. I walked past her, told son that the people were coming over to look at the house for about 30 minutes, and I wasn't sure if his mom was taking him somewhere, but if not, he should just head out for a little while.

Then I said bye to WW and she made a comment, something similar to "Really nice of you to help me get everything straightened up" or something, I was walking out and couldn't really hear her. So I turned around and asked, I wasn't able to hear you, were you talking to me? She said never mind, and I said ok, then she made another off the hand comment about cleaning as I was walking out. Then son went to WW as I was leaving and asked if she was taking him somewhere, and she said no, I have a FF meeting but I have to hurry and get this stuff cleaned up. I just left.

Then I text her and said
"I didn't want to get into an argument about it, but I think it's important that it's understood, I'm not doing all of the dishes or cleaning all of the house. I clean my dishes after I use them and I do all the other dishes every other time, but since the last time I did them you haven't done any dishes so I had no intention of doing those.

She responded
"Yes, I did the dishes and cleaned the entire kitchen right before we did the viewing. Other than some coffee cups I haven't used really any dishes so the dishes are obviously sons. I didn't ask you to do all of them, but it would've been nice for you to at least start them and I would have finished them... it is what it is."

Now the old Coconut would of mentioned that she did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen 1 1/2 weeks ago, and did she really think the dishes only needed to get done every week or two. I would have also mentioned that she had 9 coffee cups (yes I counted them) in the sink, plus the plates she used for dinner the night before, plus any other dishes that she's used after I last did the dishes over a week ago... but nope, not the new me. I just left it at that and met up with my friends.

not my monkeys, not my circus.. She will realize how much housekeeping I've done over the last 8 years once she moves out. I'm a very clean person, her, not so much.

[Coconut]

Just gotta shake my head, sometimes I wonder how my WW ever made it through life without me.. I'm a thinker, planner, take my time and do it right kinda guy... She's hectic, never allotting time needed to get stuff done, always running late or rushing to leave, stressful type life.

So I overslept today, I woke up when WW knocked lightly on my bedroom door to get something, I heard her slightly open the door and then close it (I'm assuming she saw me sleeping and thought it would be fun to let me continue oversleeping and really be late, she knocked at the time I usually leave the house). So anyway, she didn't know she woke me up, but after waking up for a few minutes I got up and started getting ready for work.

I got ready pretty quick and was ready to go was just waiting for my coffee to finish brewing, and my WW left with S to take him to school (I'm guessing he overslept too since I usually wake him). 5 minutes later, she texts me and says she made a wrong turn (they way she would go to work) and asked if I could call my mom, ask her to pick S up from office and take him to school... I was a bit dumbfounded.

I could of taken him to school, she was supposed to be taking him to school, but because she made a wrong turn, she expected me to ask mom to go to our work then take him to school (not very close)... Absolutely dumbfounded, so I just replied get off at next exit and take back way to school, she said too late, i'll just put him in break room and leave work to take him when I can. I didn't reply, not my monkeys...

So I walk by her office about an hour and half later, and she yells out to me that son is in break room, I said ok and kept walking.. She then say's loudly, nice talk. I went back, I said what do you want me to say, I saw your text and I know he is here, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'll leave and take him? she said "well one of us needs to, but I guess I will go take him", when she said that I simply replied "ok, sounds good" and walked away.

I didn't want to point out how completely ridiculous it was that she couldn't figure out how to get him to school and that he was even at the office, and because of that I completely refuse to clean up her mess, but I didn't want to just completely ignore her either...

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I am a little slow to gather my thoughts on how to respond, and after I walk away I always think of things I should have or wish I would've said.. I think it's the introvert in me. It's always easy for me to come up with a sarcastic response, but it takes me time to really think about a response that effectively addresses the issues.