Confused on What to Do 2

[AndrewP]

Eagle11 - I think that this will be a good opportunity for you to think hard about what your W has told you and what you want out of a MR.

Your W is getting at least emotional support from OM2 that I presume she's not getting from you. Presuming you believe her stories of rape - no reason not to I suppose - and the related low / no desire that will be a factor you need to consider if you can accept going forward. I don't remember - did she say she wanted a D?

It almost sounds like she's somewhat comfortable with the current status quo - are you?

She certainly is a troubled individual who is struggling with her past. So far she believes that therapy has "failed" her but she has made 7 attempts. It's counter-intuitive but perhaps if instead of seeking her own help she were to volunteer for some sort of crisis line where she can help others she might also help herself? I'm very much not knowing if this is a good idea or a really really bad idea. On the one had helping others like we do here requires us to explore our own feelings in the context of others. On the other, it could create the potential for flash-backs and even worse problems.

Good luck and use the time you've been given.

[Eagle11]

AndrewP, Thanks for the response.

Your W is getting at least emotional support from OM2 that I presume she's not getting from you. Presuming you believe her stories of rape - no reason not to I suppose - and the related low / no desire that will be a factor you need to consider if you can accept going forward. I don't remember - did she say she wanted a D?

I believe the rape story. She told me she was raped when we first started dating. I didn't press her on any details because I didn't really know how to talk about it and she didn't bring it up to me until about a month ago but she didn't go into any details until the other night.

She told me she wanted a D back on 8/8/16 when I found out about everything. I asked her to wait and lets try to figure things out. She agreed at the time, but has brought up that she thinks she needs a divorce a couple of other times since then. She has told me she wanted a divorce but for us to continue living like we currently are (in the same house, with the same roles only not married). I told her no to that. She has also brought up wanting to start over with me but needing a divorce to do that. I told her I didn't understand that. Why would we spend a bunch of money to get a divorce only to try to get back together.

I can accept her sexual issues going forward. I have been dealing with them already for a few years. I didn't know the whole truth that she doesn't feel anything during sex (if this is the truth), but I wish she would have told me that rather than just acting like she didn't want to have sex or making me feel like crap for trying to have sex with her. I don't know if these issues can be fixed but I wish she would try and right now she is not willing. This might sound crazy to some of you, but as much as like sex it's not really a major factor in my marriage. It is a factor, but it wouldn't be the factor in me trying work this out or not.

It almost sounds like she's somewhat comfortable with the current status quo - are you?

I honestly would be ok where we are at right now in our situation if there was no OM involved. Would I rather be back together? Of course I would, but that is not possible right now. When we are together doing anything right now and the OM is not texting her, the attitude she has towards me is pretty normal. When the OM starts with texts she turns. She is still nice towards me, but she reminds of being a teenager trying to pass notes in class without the teacher looking. Last night, she knew I knew she was texting the guy but she couldn't stop. She made a comment about having to text him for something at work and I just said ok. Then she made a comment that her boss was texting her but I know it was still the OM. I didn't ask her who she was texting. I have been good lately. I just act like there is nothing wrong and I'm minding my own business. She is volunteering the info of who she is texting to me.

Last Friday night before she told me her rape story she asked if I still checked our cell phone account because she gets a notice every time I do (this is not true). I told her I've checked from time to time, but I didn't say anything else. She knows that I know how much she texted and I don't know if she wants me to say something or not but I keep my mouth shut.

She certainly is a troubled individual who is struggling with her past. So far she believes that therapy has "failed" her but she has made 7 attempts. It's counter-intuitive but perhaps if instead of seeking her own help she were to volunteer for some sort of crisis line where she can help others she might also help herself? I'm very much not knowing if this is a good idea or a really really bad idea. On the one had helping others like we do here requires us to explore our own feelings in the context of others. On the other, it could create the potential for flash-backs and even worse problems.

I don't know what we be good for her right now. It seems like every week I find something else troubling about her past. I have sympathy for her and I wish I could help her but that is not possible right now. My therapist has given me some reading to give to her if the time is right, but that time is not right now. She is such an impatient person (which she admits) that she feels she just can't do therapy. She thinks she should have her answers right away and when she doesn't she just stops going. She has admitted this to me (she did on Friday night),but there is nothing I can do about it. I have just tried to support her by listening to her and being her friend. Right now that is all I'm trying to be. If one of these EA turn into a PA then I might have a problem with this, but right now there is no evidence that this has happened.

Good luck and use the time you've been given.

Thanks, I guess that is what is good right now. I have time. I have time to get myself on track and maybe with that time my M can get back on track. I know my old marriage is over though. I'm not going to get that back and I don't want that back.

[Eagle11]

I just found out my W changed her name on facebook. She took off my last name and is just going by her maiden name. I don't have facebook so I don't know what else she has changed around, but this kills me. By doing this it also lets everyone that follows her know that we are going through problems. I just don't understand why she would do this. I was having a fairly good day until I found this out and now my world has been turned upside down. I just don't understand.

I'm think she did the same thing back in 2009 when we had our issues. Does this mean she is ready to end this for good? We have been in a good place lately considering all that is happening. I just don't get it and now I'm getting scared of what could be coming. I feel numb right now and I have to help my son with homework, but I can't concentrate on anything.

[MrBond]

If it's an MLC, it's her way of asserting her independence and rediscovering herself. As hard as it is to deal with, you have to remember that this is HER journey. That's why the LBS has no power or control. The WAS wants to feel in control.

Let go of that control and keep focus on you and what makes you happy.

[job]

Eagle,

Stop trying to mind read! She may have changed her FB name so that you don't know what's going on w/her. Maybe she doesn't want others to see what she's doing. Just because she's dropped the married name, it doesn't always mean signal that the marriage is having problems. You need to advise your friends that you do not wish to know what she's doing. This bit of info doesn't help you to move forward.

Another thought, she may have done this so that it does get back to you. Why? Even though you were in a good place lately, it could be that she's not comfortable in getting closer at this time. She making every effort not to feel that warm and fuzzy feeling about you and the relationship and one way to drop ice on any "expectation" that you have about how things are right now is to do something drastic such as dropping the married name on FB. She knows that people will tell you about this and knows that it will put you in a tailspin. Let it go. It's just a minor name change and who knows, it could change again in the next week. BTW, I wouldn't say one word to her about the name change. You don't want to let her see you sweat. They do all sorts of crazy stuff and until you've got papers in your hand or have heard from her lawyer...I wouldn't let this blip on the radar rattle me.

Breathe! Keep the focus on you and your son. He needs you now to help him w/his homework. He's going to pick up on your anxiety and stress so you need to breathe and try not to think about what she's done.

Now....BREATHE!

[Eagle11]

If it's an MLC, it's her way of asserting her independence and rediscovering herself. As hard as it is to deal with, you have to remember that this is HER journey. That's why the LBS has no power or control. The WAS wants to feel in control.

Let go of that control and keep focus on you and what makes you happy.

I am just scared because I don't know what is coming now. I just find it odd that she would do this now. I could almost understand if she did this at the beginning when we weren't getting along but why now? My whole body is numb right now and I won't see her until Thursday night. She is supposed to call home tonight to talk to the kids. I have to act like nothing is wrong but how do I do that? The thing is she probably doesn't realize I know because I don't have Facebook but I heard from a mutual friend asking if everything was OK. Otherwise I wouldn't know anything. I wish I didn't know about this.

[Eagle11]

Job,

I'm trying to breathe. I really am. She texted me today and the texts were nice. I just don't understand.

I am trying to breathe. I'm not going to say anything to her about this. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not going to see her for a couple nights. I need to calm down.

[Eagle11]

Ok, I'm coming off the ledge now. Maybe she did change her name because she doesn't feel married anymore or maybe she did it for independence. She did the same thing back in 2008/2009 when we went through our troubles and I don't remember being as upset about it as I am today.

Unfortunately, learning about the name change made me snoop again (I know I shouldn't have done this). I discovered she and OM2 have texted each other over 200 times already today. I also snooped onto his facebook because his profile is public and discovered his Grandma died on Sunday and her showing was today with funeral Wednesday. Looking at the text times, I'm figuring he has been texting my W from the funeral home where his dead Grandma is. How sick is that? This is like some bad movie I am in.

Oh yeah, After her plane landed I saw she started texting OM1 right away. He is also in town for the conference. I need to get away from all of this. I wish I could just file for divorce and end this whole thing. That would be the easy thing to do, but I'm sticking this out. I told her I wouldn't abandon her and I am a man of my word. That talk I had with her when I told her I knew about OM1 might have been the dumbest thing I ever did. It did nothing for our situation and if anything it freed her up to do more. I told her i wasn't angry with her and I would stand by her. I should have kept my mouth shut.

So while she spends her days with these OM I watch our kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I want nothing in life other than to raise them. Its just she knows she can rely on me to take care of them. I'm sure she has no worries as long as I am with them and that free's her up to do whatever it is she wants to do.

[CT1118]

Eagle11,

Your story made me sigh more times than I could count. I last checked in on Friday and the tales...you made so many statements that I could quote EXACTLY as the same thing I heard, and please believe me when I say EXACTLY. I am not even sure where to pick up.

The rape, the name change on facebook, the need to divorce so that "we could begin again", the premature son (mine was 8 weeks early, but splitting hairs, I ended up taking most of his care), the I have one drink she has 5, the ex wife story while you were young...here I will stop. When it was suggested so many weeks ago I follow your post as a comparison I would have never guessed. I liked what Mr. Bond told you above, as I had not mentioned that part of my wife's FB name change on this board, but it did happen. Anyway, I read for your story as much as for the advice you receive. And I am feeling sapped. I did a big post on my thread tonight, so while I still feel like trolling here, I am not sure how good I am for advice tonight..just wishing you the best buddy.

And to answer your remaining question from my last post to me - my weekend with my son was cathartic, enjoyable, sad, and deepening; he opened up to me in a way that I would not expect a 5 year old capable of. He told me "let's talk" so we did. He said he was sad, that he felt alone, and that he was confused - all due to his mother and I separating, then he asked me if it left "my heart cracked". I could not explain that it did, I could not explain what I did to fill the crack, I could not explain that some of those pieces would remain where they fell, I could not explain how hearts can heal. He is 5 and only by days, I simply told him it is ok for me to feel the way I feel and for him to feel the way he feels, and that it was ok for us to be talking about it. What does one do in the face of that?

[ericmsant2]

I think my self confidence was low because I don't think my family gave me the support that I needed.

I hope you realize that this was NOT YOUR fault. Chances are you parents showed you love the only way they knew how to.

Unfortunately, I have never been the biggest self motivator and I need encouragement and I don't think I ever really received it from them.

You do realize that YOU can change this. Right? Requiring someone else to motivate and encourage you is more of a codependent trait. I am not saying that we all do not appreciate and feel good when someone motivates us – the “require” is the difference. Learning how to be self-motivated would do you good.

That's one of the reasons I have always made sure to tell my kids and my W that I love them.

What about YOURSELF? Loving your kids at the expense of YOU…is not healthy. It is IMO, another codependent trait.

I had therapist I was going to during my 1st divorce tell me this same thing,

Maybe the therapist and I are on to something. Maybe you need to dig a bit deeper here buddy.

I don't feel like wasting my time.

Ummm….from where I sit, you do not seem to be tied up with GALing…so why do you think this would be a waste of your time? Or is it more of the motivation that you mentioned above or are you just afraid of what you can find.

I wish I would have dug into what the problems were in the 1st marriage, but I never did.

“I wish”, “could have”, “should have”……. Notice that you see to give yourself excuses from really digging to deep. Notice the “but”…..

She was just the most beautiful women I had ever dated.

Is outward beauty more important to you than inward beauty? Be honest….don’t blow smoke up my arse. Be honest…is a women physical appearance more important than anything else?

If I keep quiet how can I expect her to understand me and what I am feeling.

I hope you can see more to this than just “her”. The issue is bigger than just “her”.

This is a dilemma I have had for some time. I have often thought about getting back to work, but then I care so much for the kids. I thought I would go back to work one our S6 started school, but then we had another S.

BUT….BUT….BUT…… Excuse….excuse…excuse....
Wash, rinse, repeat….
Notice the pattern?
Look man I get wanting to be home with your kids. I do. And I totally understand the circumstance specific to your younger son.
My point…(assuming you have not figured it out yet)… is….

I just think it would be hard for me to take him to daycare for 10 hours a day. I can't explain it, but if I stayed married I would continue to stay home with him until he started school.

YOU seem to always give yourself and excuse. Chit…I think deep down inside, you may not want to be with your W and the only reason you do is because it is easier and allows you to stay home with the kids.

Was that harsh? Yep I think it was…I also think you need to realize just how much you give yourself excuse from dealing with chit.

Maybe I should feel relieved about the possibility of have a few days a week for myself if we get a D, but I want to see my kids everyday.

Look at this statement….You would feel relieved (something I think you want to really feel) BUT once again you have given yourself from feeling relieved, which is your kids.

No More Mr. Nice Guy just purchased.

Good – let me know what you think.

Gmail

Now look at my tag name…. that is a hint.

I know this might look like cake eating, but I looked at it as a small opportunity to show her change because in the past I don't know if would have gotten out of bed at 4 am to carry her bag to the car.

That statement up there screams….I want to be angry BUT my excuse is……..

My W told me we have a great relationship now as friends but she doesn't know if it can be anymore than that because she just feels numb to me in a sexual way.

It really a horrible thing that happened to your W. Can you be in a sexless M? I am asking YOU. I want YOUR response…and do not mention your W in the response. I want to know what EAGLE wants.

I DON'T get my hopes up because I know everything could change in an instant, but there are little signs that maybe she is not as crazy as she has been.

Notice the BUT again…in this case it is being used so that YOU can GET YOUR hopes up high.

As far as the the OM go, i think OM #1 isn't as serious anymore (although he will be at work conference the next few days). OM #2 is still going strong though. I know she texted him a lot Saturday night and last night.

Snooping are we? The more YOU look at HER the more YOU avoid looking at yourself.

I am just scared because I don't know what is coming now.

So what are you going to do with this FEAR? Face it finally?

I wish I could just file for divorce and end this whole thing. That would be the easy thing to do, but I'm sticking this out. I told her I wouldn't abandon her and I am a man of my word. That talk I had with her when I told her I knew about OM1 might have been the dumbest thing I ever did. It did nothing for our situation and if anything it freed her up to do more. I told her i wasn't angry with her and I would stand by her. I should have kept my mouth shut.

1) STFU
2) Why #1
3) Because honestly…. You are not able to be truthful and honest with her.
4) Why did I say # 3….

I told her i wasn't angry with her

This ^^^^ is why. You’re not angry – really?

So while she spends her days with these OM I watch our kids.

YOU CHOOSE TO – Own it.

So…how is the book….No more Mr Nice guy?