Maybs - Pt3

[cheesyt]

darkness - i love what you posted. I'm going to give it a try.

maybs, try to keep focused on you and work. I know you have lots of things coming up that are tough and not fun. you'll get through them!

[hawker]

I agree, that is a good post from darkness....gonna try it as well! Hang in there Maybs, you seem to be doing good, it will be tough but you can do it!!

[maybs]

I don't know if you two have tried making these lists yet... But I'm finding it difficult!

I think maybe I just have too much going on to focus on it properly...

[hawker]

I have not tried it yet. So did you make it through the the day yesterday ok?

[MoveFrwd]

I don't know if you two have tried making these lists yet... But I'm finding it difficult!

I think maybe I just have too much going on to focus on it properly...

Yeah....it isnt easy to objectively look at who you are and figure out how to improve yourself.

It's easy to say "Im going to go to the gym!" and while thats good, we typically dont get divorced because of being a little bit out of shape.

I'd recommend to take some time out to try to really focus as you go through the exercise. Its a life-shaping event!

[hawker]

Good luck tomorrow Maybs! Let us know how your mediation went. (((Maybs)))

[maybs]

Mediation was yesterday. I did technically get what I wanted and somehow I still feel crappy about it.

W was super different then she has been. I've been trying not to think about it too much but what I look at yesterday compared to when she moved out I see a huge difference.

When she moved out she was angry and spiteful and basically told me she hated me in a thousand different ways. Then we didn't speak at all for a month. Then all of August she would text or call me nearly everyday to temp check me. I saw her the last day of August and she was completely withdrawn from me, couldn't even look me in the eyes to hold a conversation, but yet she kept lingering like she wanted to talk.

Since the end of August I haven't really spoken to her at all. She only temp checked me a couple times. The only time I initiated contact was to wish her a happy birthday, but that's all I said.

Then yesterday...she was so different towards me. Our big issue was the house and I honestly don't think she decided to let me keep it until she was sitting in that room with me looking at my face. I didn't pressure her to give it to me, she's known I wanted it and I knew she wasn't sure she would agree to that. While we were waiting for our agreement to by typed and printed so we could sign she actually talked my ear off. About everything, things she hasn't talked to me about at all in months.
- her job and a bunch of details about it that she's excited about.
- her health stuff - medical equipment she's getting and is going to have to learn to use. Her C-peptide levels on her most recent blood work. How her insulin needs have changed drastically as her body creates less and less on its own.

A bunch of other stuff. I listened and validated and I felt like that's all I could do. I can't offer her support for those things like I used to, she fired me. And it felt weird that suddenly she was turning to me for these things and in my head I just kept thinking "why don't you tell ow about this? Why aren't you turning to her to support you?"

I have been kind of down since the mediation. But not because of anything she said or did. It just is the mediation itself. This still isn't what I want but I've accepted that it's what she wants and that's fine. Mediation just made it so real and it's got me in a weird space...

[PsySara]

Be gentle on yourself, no one ever expects to be sitting in a room dividing up stuff with someone we thought we'd grow old with. I's ok to feel whatever you're feeling. Eventually you'll be back to your strong and confident self.

[Coly23]

Mediation is a big deal Maybs so as Sara said give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel down for a bit.

Just remember you got over a huge obsticle and you are still standing. From now on you know you can face any challenge and you won't break. You are getting stronger every time....

[maybs]

Thanks Sara and Coly. I have been taking it easy on myself. I know it's normal to feel a little down about everything and I think I'm pretty much recovered from the experiences.

Really nothing will change too much for me anyways. We had pretty much separated everything when she moved out so it was really just putting it all in writing.

Haven't heard from her since.

Not going to lie to cheer myself up a bit a bought myself a few thing yesterday. I needed some new black boots and I got a super good deal (75% off!!) so I got 2 pairs and then I went to the mall and got myself a few new pairs of jeans and also ordered myself a new video game.

I also bought my niece her presents for her birthday next Friday.

It was great therapy, getting to treat myself to some things (even if they were practical things that I realistically did need for winter, well minus the video game). Plus the mall is a good half hour from my house so driving there and jamming to some music was also good therapy.

I feel much better today.