Phoebe my dear, sleep is about habit like most things in our lives. You have mentioned so many times that you are a night owl etc, but here is a thought. You say that so often it has become your reality. My study of sleep Reduced much of the same as many other things we pass of as simply, "that's just who I am" We are who we decide to be whether through habit or internal self talk. As for sleep, unless you have a sleeping disorder then it is about your habits. One would read your current habits and say they are not really healthy. I would think you would even agree as you mentioned the challenges of it frequently. Check it out, you may be surprised how much more control you can have with some proper efforts and appropriate forming of good sleep habits.
It takes some time and training, but you can do it.
It is good to hear you had a day of reprieve from the dam paperwork.
I'm still gonna bug you about the craziness of your schedule. That candle is only gonna let you burn at both ends for so long. You really have taken GAl to a level I have not seen in here. Good for sure, just pace it out for yourself my lovely lady.
Cold medicine kicking in and sleep is pulling at my eyelids, so I will bid you good night and hope to chat soon when you slow down enough to have a deeper convo.
Sleep well my sweet Phoebe.
(((((Phoebe)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I'm sorry, SH. I promise a fuller update tomorrow, but right now I have to go to sleep because I'm fully engaged in my crummy sleep habits again. You are absolutely right. I just need to move my body into bed at a reasonable hour and turn out the darn light!
If it means anything at all, yesterday I went to bed around midnight, which is record early for me (thank you melatonin and Benadryl), was awake again at 3:40 and super astoundingly restless (read: physically unable to hold still), took Xanax and ibuprofen to try to combat the restless appendages,, fell back asleep by 5:30, then slept until 1 pm. Holy macaroni. What a mess. I had no idea I could even sleep that late. My days and nights are truly getting inverted.
Tonight, after all that sleep, I didn't take anything and here I am again, awake at 4:20 am. Sigh. I didn't even bother going to bed yet.
Bottom line these days: I don't have a poor sleep schedule. I have NO schedule, whatsoever.
Today's GAL: I spent 6-7 hours with a local friend who is getting ready for a garage sale. It was nice spending time with her. Then I met l-friend for dinner, and came home afterward. I've been puttering around for a few hours... cleaning here, putting things away there, reading this, writing that... a pleasant evening/early morning (I know, I know, I should have been sleeping) at home by myself.
Quick farm update: the flock introduction continues. For the last few days I've had both flocks out free-ranging, and they have been mingling freely. Tonight, I put the babies into the big girl coop after dark. They'll all roost together overnight, and then at first light, the automatic door will open, and everyone can pop out to free-range and go about their day, hopefully without too much squabbling since they aren't actually confined. Fingers crossed.
I have to have them fully socialized and the little ones coop-trained to the big coop before winter. Bird love. : )
I'll try to be better with my sleep hygeine tomorrow. I was doing pretty well in the sleep department until the last 3 weeks or so since I was served. That was when the legal pressure increased dramatically and I've had some setbacks. The shaking is worse again, too. Not as severe as it was initially, but it's noticeable to strangers again. A customer at the bee-keepers' booth a couple weeks ago commented on it. Yeah.
Good night, everyone.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Well, for someone claiming to only have time for a short update, I sure do write a lot. I had plenty of time last night because I didn't sleep even one minute. I went to bed around 5:15, lay there for about 45 minutes, and then I just said "forget it," and got back out of bed. If I wasn't tired by that hour, it just wasn't going to happen.
So... I've got another possible opportunity to reset my body clock. It's going to be another melatonin night...
I journaled all over poor SH's thread in my sleep-deficient state, and, since it was about a pretty major breakdown, I'm going to put it here, too, to keep it here so I can monitor my trajectory over time.
Originally Posted By: Phoebe
SH, it seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I could see him in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.
This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.
At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.
Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.
So, it was a pretty crummy way to spend an evening, but just goes to show that there are still rogue waves out in the ocean, just waiting to randomly crash over me. That one certainly hit without much warning and knocked me for a loop.
Tonight I am going to a ski swap/show to look at used ski equipment and see what the semi-local ski resorts are offering for tickets, lessons, etc. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see all of the gear.
My legal case(s) are starting to ramp up again. I have two scheduled court appearances next month, so now I need to start preparing for my out of state L. I got a break for a few days, but the massive money and soul-svcking vacuum called Divorce won't be satisfied until we're both well-drained on all counts. It's all still just impossible to wrap my head around. I just keep floating along with the current, doing my best to keep my feet up and away from any danger of entrapment by an unseen patch of Rapids.
Well, I'm falling asleep, so maybe a micro nap is in order.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I did get a good night's sleep last night, SH!! I will say, however, that I took Benadry first, as a precaution. I wasn't willing to go TWO nights without sleep. I can handle one, once in a while, but I can't do two in a row. I would be incapacitated.
Definitely just a short note here for now. I have to get going very soon, because H-friend was nice enough to invite me to dinner tonight! She had to cancel our plans yesterday, so she invited me today, instead. She is very easy to get along with.
The ski show yesterday was interesting. I tried on some ski boots, but I have no real idea what I'm even looking for. L-freind really wants to get me back out on the slopes, and I'm definitely willing, I just can't help thinking that it would be smarter to simply rent equipment until I decide how much I like the sport. It's an expensive thing to dabble in.
Hopefully more later. Thanks for checking in on me SH.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I'm glad you got a good night's sleep! It's funny, I had thought about suggesting staying up an entire night to reset your sleep cycle.
I hope you had a lovely dinner with your friend and were able to sleep again last night.
I would take something if I were you. I take sleep meds - very light ones - every night because it's vital for my ability to function and recover. I'm careful with meds and won't take most of what's out there, but something mild, temporary for pain or sleep is not a problem, I think.
I understand this is also an extra difficult time with going through the D process. Hopefully you will do a lot better once that's come further along.
How are things on the farm? Have you walked the fields lately? Any wildlife observations? You seem happier when you connect with your property.
(((((Phoebe)))))
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Phoebe is her name. Taking care of chickens and ice skating are her game. She is a beautiful soul With a hectic schedule. Would you point her to me If my dear Sweet Phoebe you see.
Sweet dreams lovely lady and dear friend of mine. May the sandman drop by and grant you a serene sleep this night.
(((((Phoebe)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You haven't lost me by a long stretch, SH. I'm just keeping busy, as seemingly always, these days.
Today I had my usual appointment with my therapist, and while I had a hard time talking about how I was doing last week, this week I went in in a good mood, and was able to have a really good talk with him. We started out talking about my little melt down-trigger event last week, and it just went from there. Again, I am reminded how kind and available he has been to me since I first started seeing him as a patient. Every single time I leave his office, he reminds me to call him if I need him. The thing is - he really means it. I've talked to him during three non-appointment crises, including one on a Saturday, and I felt badly, doing so, and yet he continues to stress his availability. On his cell phone. He's also made urgent appointments by text within a few hours.
After that I went out with l-friend while he went water-skiing. It was a beautiful evening on a beautiful lake, and I got to meet two more lovely friends of his. He knows a lot of very nice people, and they are all very welcoming. His friend has a single rowing scull, and I used to row crew, so that was pretty cool.
Anyway, more another day.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I wasn't willing to go TWO nights without sleep. I can handle one, once in a while, but I can't do two in a row. I would be incapacitated.
